A Painful Lesson In Humility

It has been over a week and I still feel sick every time I think about it. But I am also thankful.

It was Saturday morning and the day my girls had been looking forward to for weeks... their first true ballet recital. Costumes, make-up, the whole deal. And Mima was here to see it! They were so excited!

We got up early, bathed the girls and washed their hair. I brushed their ponytails to smooth perfection, twisting and rolling them into fat ballerina buns. I applied a little foundation, powder, and blush to their shining faces. We even topped it off with a little swipe of glitter on their eyelids and a sprinkle in their hair.

We were right on time. Walking out the door at exactly the time we planned. The costumes were in the car as we scheduled in plenty of time to dress when we got there. With a smile I even tucked a last minute tube of lip gloss and bottle of shimmery body spray into my purse. Everything was perfect.

We got to the recital hall just as planned. Seth was going to drop us off and take Benj to go pick up some roses for the ballerinas while they dressed. They would be back in plenty of time to get great seats. I opened the back of the van to retrieve the costumes...and that's when it hit me.

I had forgotten the ballet bag.

The bag that contained their ballet shoes, tights, and extra costume pieces (including, but not limited to the feather trimmed gloves that were Leila's absolute favorite part of her costume.) Yes, that bag. I was horrified.

Suddenly our perfect morning was thrown into chaos. Seth sped away leaving my mom and I with the girls and costumes. The gravity of the situation began to hit me. We live 35 minutes away, at best. There was just an hour until the recital began. Not even enough time for him to get home and back, not to mention to dress the girls. Right there on the sidewalk I burst into tears. "I'm so sorry, girls," I choked out.

Knowing I had to pull it together and be the adult, I decided we would get them dressed so at least they would be as ready as they could be. We dressed and prayed for Daddy to get back as quickly as possible.

We went upstairs to the backstage area where I explained my colossal mistake to the teachers, telling them that there was really no way Seth would be back before the recital started. They assured me that it probably wouldn't start on time and that they would adjust the order of the routines, if necessary, to give as much time as possible to get the needed items. I spent about half an hour with the girls, trying to reassure and encourage them. I put on a smile and told my sad Leila that Daddy was bringing her gloves. Our friends showed up and had an extra pair of tights that fit Leila, which I put on her. I saved seats in the auditorium and then, even though I knew it was way too early, I went to wait out front about 15 minutes before the performance started.

My stomach was in knots. I felt physically sick. How could I let my girls down so badly? How could I be so stupid as to go off and forget nearly everything they needed for their special day? I'll be honest, that bag didn't even cross my mind that morning. What was wrong with me?

In my heart I cried out to the Lord. Over and over I begged Him to somehow save the day. "Please, God. Don't let me let my girls down. Don't let me break their hearts.... Please ease Seth's way.... Please help him to get here in time.... Please.... Please.... Please, God." I was pacing and wringing my hands, a nervous wreck. As I paced and prayed, it hit me.

Only the day before, as we were preparing to go to the dress rehearsal I had been so hard on Talia because we couldn't find her ballet shoes. They weren't in the bag. I had called the rec center where we go to their lessons and they didn't have them either. I lectured her about responsibility and keeping her mind on what she's doing and how sooner or later irresponsibility is going to cost her. "Now you don't have ballet shoes for your recital," I had said with an air of superiority. (We later found that her shoes had gotten into her friend's bag and received them back at the rehearsal.)

Now it came to my heart. No. NOW she didn't have shoes for her recital. And it wasn't her fault, it was mine. I had no grace for her mistake in not keeping track of her shoes when we still had a whole day to find them and now I was begging for God's grace to cover MY mistake in completely forgetting them (and a whole lot more) when it truly mattered. I knew in that moment that I never wanted to forget the pain of that realization: that I expected perfection out of my little girl that I could not even deliver myself. I had no grace for her mistakes, pridefully expecting that somehow I was bigger and better than that.

The truth is no matter how much I plan, no matter how "on top of it" I feel, all my best efforts are not enough. I am not better. I am just the same. I am a mere human being with faults and limitations, with good intentions, but a finite ability to carry them out. The expectation my kids should exhibit the values I have taught them to perfection is ridiculous. And the idea that being a "good mom" equates with perfectly ordered rows of ducks is categorically false. In truth, the better my plans work out -feeding my pride in my own abilities- the worse mom I tend to be. I fight, trying with all my might to keep all the balls in the air, to keep everything under control, to be everything, do everything. And I forget my need.

Quite simply, I need Jesus. I need his strength to accomplish the most important tasks each day. I need his peace to quiet the anxiety in this season of our life that some days threatens to overcome me. I need his Spirit to control me, giving me life-giving words to say, wisdom to teach and correct, love to spill out over my children. I need his grace to cover my gross inadequacies, even when I am too prideful to admit they are there.

And so I prayed that God would never, never let me forget that day, but use it to humble me and remind me to give mercy, grace, and compassion to my children, remembering that we all need those tender gifts.

Around 11:15 Seth pulled around the corner and thrust the bag out of the driver's window into my hands. I ran into the building and up the stairs, searching through the bag as I ran, rummaging for shoes and accessories. I entered the backstage area and literally threw Leila's shoes and accessories at her feet. Another teacher ran up to me asking for Talia's shoes, telling me that her class was in que to go on-stage. The recital had started on-time, at 11:00 and all the classes had already performed except for Talia's and Leila's classes.

I hurried into the auditorium and down the aisle to my seat as Talia's class was filing up the opposite aisle onto the stage. A second later, as the teacher arranged the girls on the dark stage, Benj slid into the seat beside me. Seth had found an open parking space in the closest lot to the recital hall and had come in right behind me. Right on cue he whipped out the video camera as the stage lights went up.

Talia was tights-less, in shoes she borrowed from an earlier dancer. But her face lit up as she saw her Daddy and brother. She danced beautifully.

Next Leila's class filed onto the stage. Leila was leading the line, fully costumed, gloves and all, with a radiant smile. She was clearly tickled pink with the experience of performing and danced with adorable charm.

I am so thankful. I am thankful that God redeemed my mistake, allowing it to be a beautiful memory after all. I am thankful for the sweet spirit of forgiveness and even compassion my precious girls extended to me in my weakness. I am thankful that Seth and Benj (and Channah) were safe during their hurried trip. I am thankful that none of us missed even a moment of the performance. I am thankful for the way the teachers extended grace to me and cared so sweetly for my girls. And so much more. But most of all I am thankful for the painful lesson in humility that reminded me that the measure of a mom is not a standard of perfection, but rather a rule of love, compassion, and grace. Lord Jesus, help me never forget!

My sweet ballerinas, post-recital

Train Wreck

What started out iffy got worse and then much worse and ended with "oh my word, it's 5:45. I should probably make dinner." Yep, it was that kind of a homeschool day.

A friend and I were talking the other day about how we each picture the other's (and everyone else's) homeschool as a picture of perfection while our own is typically chaos. Well just in case you suffer from the same delusions of grandeur, this, my friends, is a window into the chaos.

We started out late and a bit grumpy. Last night was our first Wednesday night back in church activities, which means we arrive home late and exhausted, so naturally we were all dragging a bit this morning. Additionally, Benj's allergies were bothering him and he was complaining of a runny nose, watery eyes, sneezing, and a sore throat. I gave him a Claritin and proceeded to spread butter and honey/jelly on everyone's toast to whining from the baby who wanted everything in sight as long as it wasn't on her tray. After whining to receive and then refusing to eat toast and some mango, the baby went back to bed.

The rest of us proceeded downstairs for school. Benj decided he was too sick to sit up for our morning meeting so he laid on the floor and zoned out while I tried, in vain, to recall him to the topics at hand. I decided to let it go since he wasn't feeling well.

Next I set the bigger kids loose to accomplish some independent work while I set up a couple of things upstairs. The next thing I knew Benj was laying on the couch trying to take a nap. "Wow," I thought, "he must really be sick." I told him if he wanted to sleep he could go lay on my bed. About 15 minutes later I went to my room to find him playing on my bed, no longer looking as if he was about to pass out.

Willing to be flexible, I figured maybe I should just go with a more fun/casual approach today and switched gears. I announced a play dough project would be taking place at the kitchen table. Kids came flying from every direction. (Play dough doesn't come out very often at our house.) Leila made a bee-line for the play dough box and started getting out all the various molds and play set items we own. I explained to her that we had a special play dough project today where we were going to make something specific so we weren't going to get out everything. The next several minutes were spent comforting a wailing little girl who claimed I hurt her feelings because she wanted "that stuff." Once I finally announced the project (to create an animal that doesn't really exist, as a means of appreciating the enormity of God's task in creating the world) they set to work, but I quickly realized the folly of giving tired children a creative assignment. Benj did just fine, but Talia got frustrated right away with her inability to slap together the perfect model she had in her head and spent her time cramming hurriedly constructed pieces together and smooshing them up because they didn't look right. Leila didn't want to participate because she didn't know what to make and then once I gave her a suggestion, didn't know how to make it, and ended up happily hacking her lump into chunks with a plastic knife. Meanwhile, Benj got bored and disappeared again and Talia was still sitting at the table with nothing constructed when we were ready to move on. Play dough ended in more tears and Benj laying/reading on my bed again.

By this time we were about 2 hours into our school day and had pretty much nothing to show for it. I decided to consult the principal and called Seth. He suggested I feed them an early lunch, put them all down for naps, and proceed with school when they woke up later in the afternoon. I agreed. Of course, right about this time Channah woke up and so I was juggling a still-grumpy, hungry baby and several other details when I poured the milk into my Magic Bullet mugs to be blended into smoothies for lunch. 20 minutes later I realized I poured milk - dairy milk - into ALL the cups, including Benjamin's when after drinking over 1/2 of his smoothie he told me his throat was suddenly hurting much worse. Mom of the Year, people. Right here.

I administered all appropriate meds while Channah whined that she wanted the rest of her smoothie, gave the whiner a graham cracker, and made Benj another smoothie (correctly this time). Lunch ended late (instead of early, as planned) and I sent everyone to rooms for naps. Everyone wanted the CD player for naptime (we only have one portable player) so 2/3 of those involved were pouting when all heads were finally on pillows.

I figured they would all conk out immediately. I was 1 for 3. 45 minutes later Talia was playing with her stuffed animal and Benj was laying on his stomach playing with something under his bed. I informed them both in no uncertain terms that they were to go to sleep immediately (knowing full well that I couldn't possibly enforce that ridiculous command) and once again consulted my calm husband. (In case you can't tell, by this point I was about to go through the roof.) We agreed to give them 20 more minutes to respond to my instruction and then get them up for a phone call with Daddy and to complete school. When the 20 minutes had expired they were both asleep.

A couple of hours later they woke up and we re-started school, which, mercifully, went fairly smoothly. Benj still wasn't very perky but considering my colossial mistake at lunchtime I figured he that was probably legitimate and didn't push him. We were still going strong when I went upstairs to get something and realized, you guessed it: "oh my word, it's 5:45. I should probably make dinner."

The Painful Process of Parenting

(From the Archives: a previously unpublished post mostly written in February 2012)

I have often wondered, when facing various situations that I encounter on a regular basis in my strange and wonderful career as a mama, "why didn't anyone ever tell me ... ?" No one ever told me, for example, that as a mom I might find chunks of poop in my washing machine after the load (a dark load, by the way, with no underwear in it) had been run ... TWICE. Or that I might forget basic points of grammar and become quite vocabulary deficient as the effects of sleep deprivation settled in. I'm not sure I ever really adequately grasped how quickly I could go from "zero to panic" when we are outside and I suddenly realize I'm not sure where my two year old went. Often I am surprised and exasperated and humbled and exhausted by the weighty task of parenting. The past two days have been those kinds of days.

Yesterday I started a new process in the ever-challenging realm of caring for my children's health: keeping a speech journal for my sweet Leila.

Let me back up. Back in October (2011) our very, very quiet little girl began suddenly to explode with speech. It seemed like one day she was barely putting two words together and the next she was speaking in 5 and 6 word phrases! Shortly thereafter, however, she began to develop a stammer that seemed to accelerate with each passing week. We weren't overly concerned, but at the same time we thought it would be a good idea to get an outside opinion on this completely new-to-us development. Fortunately, Leila was already in an early intervention program, seeing a physical therapist weekly for her significant gross motor delay so at our 6-month assessment meeting I asked about the possibility of qualifying for a speech evaluation. We were approved for an assessment that same day. Our initial visit with the speech therapist determined that Leila's stammer was not due to difficulty with the speech patterns themselves, which was good news. A limited number of speech therapy sessions were nonetheless recommended to allow us to better determine the cause and give us some strategies for helping Leila correct the pattern before it became a bigger issue.

So I find myself, after 2 sessions of speech therapy, faced with the task of documenting (as completely as I am able) each instance of stammering throughout Leila's day, recording the words or phrases on which she stumbles (and which parts of them) and the details of the situation (who is involved in the conversation, the noise level in the room, whether she is initiating interaction or answering a question, etc.) I was prepared for the fact that recording this information all day long would be a logistically difficult task. I was not prepared, however, for the emotional difficulty of my assignment. As my role at this stage is just to observe and gather data I am having to sit by and watch her struggle painfully to communicate. And not only to watch, but to focus on and pick apart and analyze and record the details.  I have patiently waited in silent tears for her to stumble as many as 15 or 20 times on a certain word or syllable before she was able to complete her thought. I can't adequately express what a painful process it has been to magnify my sweet little girl's struggle in this way.

Like so many tasks in parenting, keeping Leila's speech journal is something I am doing because I love her and I want to get her the help she needs to grow and succeed, not because it is in any way enjoyable to me. And yet, even as I strive to do what is best for her, God is using this process that brings me pain to do what is best for me. I am reminded of this biblical truth:

"No discipline [instruction, teaching] seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." (Hebrews 12:11)  

Earlier in this same chapter of Hebrews we are urged to, "endure hardship as discipline." (v. 7) This tells me that God can use this hardship to discipline and instruct me in selflessness, gentleness, love, and probably a hundred other heart attitudes He wants to work in my life. And it gives me hope that the sometimes painful process of parenting my children has a greater purpose. Yes, I am hoping that keeping Leila's speech journal will yield information that will help us give her the freedom of easier speech, but this season can also bring about an abundance of blessing as God uses this trial to train and mold my heart. I'm looking forward to that harvest!





Update on Leila's speech: She has now graduated from speech therapy and her stammer is nearly nonexistent. The process of keeping the journal helped us to determine that she was not having difficulty with any specific speech sounds and that her stammer was more developmental and situational in nature. Developmentally, she was having to learn the muscle movements associated with words she knew, but had not spoken. Her speech "exploded" so quickly that her mouth was sometimes just unable to keep up with her brain. Another layer to the problem was that she was just trying to be heard! She wanted to join the conversation, but wasn't always able to keep pace with the rest of the family (especially the more... ah-hem... talkative members) so she would "hold her space" by repeating a word or sound over and over until she could figure out how to say what she wanted to say. By employing strategies like slowing down the pace of our conversation, asking less direct questions, and making sure she knew we had time to listen to her, she improved greatly within the span of about 3 months. We had a huge "relapse" when Channah was born (which the speech therapist warned us might happen), but after about a month she was able, once again, to articulate and speak without a stammer. We are so thankful for the expertise of our wonderful therapist and that this issue was resolved so quickly.

I found a blessing!

I haven't been blogging much lately. There's a reason for that. (Well, I mean besides being too busy.) I haven't felt like I have anything constructive to post. And by that I mean that life has looked pretty bleak from where I sit these days, which is in the rocking chair, on the couch, at the kitchen table holding and rocking and patting and shushing my precious but very fussy baby girl.

I'm not gonna lie to you, these past 6 weeks have mostly been incredibly difficult. Most of that period Channah has cried 50-75% of her awake time and often part of her should-be naptimes as well. (We had a brief interlude somewhere in the middle where she was much less fussy, but the past 2 weeks have been worse again.) We think her crying is mostly due to tummy discomfort--gas pain and acid reflux--and have been treating her with medication, which has helped some, but has not revolutionized our life like we hoped it would. So, unfortunately this has not been the blissful newborn experience we were all hoping for.

But(!) today I had a thought! It was the glimmer of sunshine I prayed for this morning when I prayed for the strength to be a good mommy today, even though I was dog tired and even more discouraged. All this time I'm spending rocking and soothing my fussy girl allows me to slow down and not miss the little things. I know, for example, that today she tried to blow a raspberry. As her little tongue was stuck out she gave a faint blow and then immediately broke into the most adorable smile. She knew that she was onto something! What a sweet little moment. Just the memory brings little tears to the corners of my eyes. And I already know her little personality so intimately. I spend a couple of hours, at least, every day locked in eye contact with her, exchanging smiles and coos or soothing her with soft words and safe arms. I know the different pitches and meanings of her cries (sometimes). I know what makes her smile. As a mama of four these are the little things I could easily miss.

What amazes me is that this matches right up with my theme for this year: "The Little Things: Treasuring God's Blessings." I chose this theme in January (even though this is the first I've blogged about it). It seemed appropriate for a year in which I would have the sweetness of a newborn baby to treasure up in my heart. I must admit I pictured blessings of a more...um...happy nature.

But God knows. He knows that I tend to fill my time up with projects and activity, always tweeking and fixing, and letting the little things go by unnoticed. He knows that I want to do less and be more but I don't naturally know how to fulfill that desire. He knows that on my own I would get to the end of the year and sadly look back, realizing that moment by moment, day by day I forgot to notice The Little Things. So He gave me a fussy baby who forces me to lay aside my daily agenda, pause (sometimes for days at a time), and take the time to enter into moments in the life of my children. I still have a long way to go in learning to truly treasure the blessings of my new daily routine, but by God's grace I am daily intimately acquaintanted with The Little Things.

Smiling Girl, 8 weeks old

Potty Training "in a Day" (or 4)

Be forewarned: this post will most likely only be interesting to moms of toddlers who are looking for a potty training method. Unless you are in this category I would skip it if I were you. :)

Since Seth posted that we subscribe to the "potty training in a day" method on facebook a couple of weeks ago I have had a few people ask about how we do this. I decided this is a good time for me to write this post since any pride I had in the fact that our first two children were potty trained in 1-2 days is demolished. :) Leila took 4 WHOLE...LONG days. But! She is completely potty trained now, and for what it's worth, here's how it happens at our house....

(Disclaimer: As with many subjects within the realm of parenting, I think this is one good way to do it. There are also other good ways to potty train that work better for other families. Just so you know.)

Overview
This will be a long post, so here are the basics in a nutshell:

• This method requires my total and complete attention for 1-4 days.
• It is important to make sure the child is "ready" for potty training. None of my kids have really shown the classic signs that we are usually taught to associate with readiness (asking for a diaper change, going off to "do business" privately) but I do look for ability to understand and receive instruction, interest in other transitions that we deem "big boy/big girl" milestones (crib to bed, for example) and age. Our kids have tended to be ready closer to age 3 than to age 2.
• Once we take off the last diaper, we do not wear anymore diapers (or pull-ups, except for nap & night).
• Since this process is not a behavior-based process, but rather the learning of new skills, we use rewards to reinforce the desired skills. We have used both sticker charts and food "treats."
• "Staying dry & clean" earns one reward.
• "Using the potty to stay dry & clean" earns double rewards.
• We set a timer and sit on the potty every 10 minutes throughout the day (extended to 15 or 20 later in the day, depending on how we are doing). This is not optional for the child. When the timer rings it is simply time to sit.
• After the first success we call Daddy to share the news. This is always a big moment. :)
• When an accident occurs we practice the entire process 10 times in a row to reinforce the new desired habit. (Please note: This is intended to reinforce habit & muscle memory, not to punish the child.)
• When we graduate from the every-10-minutes phase we sit on the potty at (loosely) scheduled times: before meals, after meals, before nap, before bed, etc.
• At an appropriate time in the process the entire family participates in a "Yay!" party.

Preparation
The first thing you must know about potty training in a day (or four) is that it takes complete commitment to this one, and only this one task. I completely clear my schedule. No school, no chores, no errands, no phone calls. I am prepared to work with the child almost exclusively for at least one whole day (but I plan on 2-4 days). I don't plan on sneaking in a load of laundry or dishes or even making dinner.

Before we started this time I sat my older two children down and explained to them that they were going to need to play by themselves a lot that day, that I wasn't going to be able to help them as much, and that they were going to need to be very patient when they needed me. I played up their maturity and independence and explained that when they were Leila's age I spent an entire day with them, teaching them how to use the potty. (During this conversation I also explained that Leila was going to be getting some special drinks & treats to help her learn how to use the potty. I told them I would give them their own treats later on in the day, but the potty treats were just for Leila. I also let them in on the "secret" that when Leila learned how to use the potty we would have a "Yay Leila!" party and we would ALL get to taste the special treats that Leila had been getting.) I have read that it is best to send the older kids to grandma's house for the day, or weekend to avoid all this. I don't have that option, living 2,000 miles away from both sets of grandparents, but if I could I would definitely do that!

There are several things I gather before the Big Day:

• Plenty of clean underwear/panties. We have about 12 pairs.
• Plenty of clean pants. I like sweatpants, jeans (esp. lined with jersey knit), anything absorbent. I put these all in a big stack in a central place, along with the underwear/panties.
• "Fun" drinks, different from what my kids normally drink. We used lemondade this time.
• Treats. Something with lots of small pieces like M&Ms, smarties, fruit snacks, Skittles....
• A timer.
• A doll (We do not use an expensive "potty doll.")
• An absorbent pad. I use chux pads from the hospital, but you could also use a folded up towel.
• Pull ups (for nap & night).

The Big Day
I always start potty training after breakfast so as soon as we get up in the morning I make a big deal about changing the LAST diaper! We start really talking up the underwear/panties that we are going to put on after breakfast.

After breakfast I make sure I have everything assembled in one place that I will need for the day. I actually wear an apron with pockets so I have the treats, my phone, and the timer handy. I prepare a sippy cup with a special drink, gather my stack of dry clothing, and get a stash of books, games, and other things to keep us occupied in one area.

Once I am prepared the big moment has arrived. We put on the underwear/panties! Then I say for the first time what will become my mantra for the next few days: We are going to learn how to keep our panties dry and clean. I explain that when you feel like you need to go pee pee you need to stop your pee pee until you sit on the potty, then you make your pee pee go in the potty.

To illustrate I take the child to the potty, along with the role-play doll and our sippy cup. I give the child a drink from the sippy cup and encourage her to give her doll a pretend drink. We play with the doll for a few moments and then I ask the child to check to see if her doll is dry. I show her how to check with two fingers and, of course, the doll is dry! We break out the treats! The child gets to give her doll ONE treat (which, after the doll pretend-eats, I let the child eat). This is one M&M, one smartie, etc. I explain that we get one treat for having dry and clean panties ! Then we take another drink and play for a few more moments. This time we pretend that the doll needs to go potty. We go through all the steps: pulling down the doll's panties, sitting on the potty, making a "ssss" sound (I pour water in the potty from a little cup) and then looking to see that the doll went potty! Time for more treats! This time the doll gets TWO treats and I explain that we get two treats for using the potty to stay dry and clean. This is usually the end of the usefulness of the role-play for us, but it gets the point across of what we are trying to do.

Then I start the cycle I will repeat throughout the day:

• Remind and encourage the child to drink frequently.
• Set the timer for 10 minutes at a time.
• We play together and I ask frequently (every 1-2 minutes at first), "do you need to go potty?" (While we play I have the child sit on the absorbent pad.)
• Sometimes we have our first accident before the timer rings (see "First Accident" below), but if we make it the whole 10 minutes without an accident I announce that it's time to check to see if we are dry. We both check for dryness and if dry, I give the child one treat.
• I have the child sit on the potty. I don't ask, I tell them, "OK, it's time to sit." We sit on the potty for no less than 4 minutes at a time to give us a greater chance of having an "accidental success." I usually read books until they get bored. Between books I reinforce the language: "Now you are sitting on the potty. Can you make your pee pee go in the potty?" 
• If nothing happens after a little while we pull up the panties and re-set the timer for 10 minutes.

This is the basic process most of the day.

First Accident
We have always had our first accident before our first success, so I'll talk about that first.

Once it becomes obvious that the first accident is occuring or has occurred (I can usually tell by the surprised look on their faces) I jump into action. I remind the child "stop your pee pee until we get to the potty" and get them to the potty as soon as possible. The first time there is usually nothing left to actually go in the potty, but we sit anyway and talk through the process again: "when you feel like you need to go pee pee you need to stop your pee pee until you sit on the potty, then you make your pee pee go in the potty. We want to keep our panties dry and clean." To reinforce the language I am using I sometimes gently press the wet panties against the child's upper thigh to illustrate "wet" and then, as we change into dry panties we talk about how "dry" feels.

It is important, especially with the first accident, to maintain a fun, encouraging tone and to reassure the child that he/she hasn't done anything wrong! Learning to be a big boy/girl takes practice. I try to focus on how proud I am that they are trying and how exciting it will be to figure it out!

After the clothes are changed it is back to the beginning of the cycle. I re-set the timer and start the 10-minute process again, alway pushing the drinks! (Note: In the overview I talked about practicing 10 times when an accident occurs. I have tried this process after the first accident and found it frustrating. Therefore, I now like to wait until we have had a successful trip to the potty once or twice before I introduce this element. One thing at a time. :) )

First Success
I mentioned above how important it is to handle the first accident appropriately. Surprisingly, it has been my experience that it is equally important to handle the first success with sensitivity. Two of my children have been somewhat startled by the new sensation and needed reassurance that they really did the right thing. Leila actually cried after she went in the potty for the first time!

Of course the first order of business is to reward the success with a double treat! Next, we call Daddy with the news. (I do this while still sitting on the potty in case something else happens to come out while we are on the phone. :) ) Then I introduce the habits that go along with using the potty: pull up the panties & pants, flush the potty, wash hands, etc., all the while encouraging and celebrating this big step towards being a big kid!

When we are done with all this I start the 10-minute cycle again.

"Number Two"
We have handled bowel training differently with each child, depending on his or her personal schedule. For us, being potty trained and being "bowel trained" have been two separate events, with the later occuring about a week after the former. I don't have an easy answer for how we have accomplished it, other than if the child has a particular time when I know she does her business I make that a scheduled time to sit on the potty for awhile. I have even set the potty in front of the TV and put on a short DVD to keep her sitting there for a good long time. Other than that, I do my best to catch them at the very beginning of the act so I can help them start to form the new habit. Leila is still about 50/50 on getting her #2's in the right place. I do have a few tricks that worked with the first two, but I'll spare you the details. If you are interested email me. :)

Accidents
Once we are into the process and have had a couple of successful trips to the potty I start introducing the muscle memory/habit reinforcement process. When an accident occurs we do everything we did for the first accident and once everything is cleaned up we practice the process 10 times in a row. I first tell the child that we are going to practice staying dry & clean 10 times, then we do it.

Here's what that looks like:

• We go back to exactly where the child was and what she was doing when the accident happened.
• I say, "When you feel like you need to go pee pee you need to stop playing (eating, or whatever) and go to the potty. You say, 'I need to go potty!' and you stop your pee pee. Keep it inside your body. Go fast, fast, fast to the potty!" (All the while I am physically maneuvering the child, helping her jump up, walk quickly to the potty - or even carrying her - etc.)
• When we get to the potty I help her pull down her pants/panties, to show how we need to do it fast and sit.
• I say, "Now you can let your pee pee go in the potty. See? You stayed dry & clean! (I rub the dry panties on her leg.)"
• We get off the potty, pull up the pants/panties and I announce cheerfully, "Great job! That's ONE."
• We repeat the entire process, counting each time and keeping the tone light & fun. Sometimes I have experienced meltdowns after several repetitions. If I can distract and keep going I do, but if it becomes a major issue I let it go. With Leila I actually didn't introduce the practicing element until day 3 because I thought it would cause more problems than it solved. Once she was more comfortable with the process we introduced this element and that is really when we turned the corner and began to see the lightbulb coming on!

Celebrating
A fun thing to do once everything is "clicking" and the child is definitely getting it is to have a family party. Whenever we are celebrating a success in our family we tend to call it a "Yay! Party." In the case of Leila being potty trained we had a "Yay Leila! Party." This was a time for us to celebrate Leila's success and also a time for everyone to get to share some of the treats Leila had been receiving as part of the potty training process. For example, we all drank lemondade and had M&M's for dessert.

Nap and Nighttime
With experience my personal philosophy has become that nap & nighttime dryness will come in time. I really don't do anything extraordinary to push it. For Benj it came almost immediately. He wasn't napping anymore by the time he was potty trained so that wasn't an issue. He wore pull-ups at night for about 3-4 months but was almost always dry so after awhile I quit. I can't remember that he has ever wet the bed. Talia had a dry pull-up consistently after naptime after a couple of weeks. She took a long time to become night trained (8-9 months?) I just let her wear pull-ups until she was consistently dry in the morning. (I personally think that uninterrupted sleep is worth buying pull-ups for awhile.) It eventually happened and she almost never wets the bed now.

A word about naps for the first few days: The first day the child definitely needs a break! I put a pull-up on and don't worry at all about instructing her not to pee in it. With Leila, since the process took a few days, I did skip a nap one day because I felt like we were really losing momentum each day at naptime. It seemed like she would "save it up" to empty in her pull-up and then by the time we got enough liquid back in her to cause her to need to go again it would be that hectic time of day when Daddy is getting home, dinner prep is underway, etc. and lots of accidents would occur. The one day I did keep her up from her nap I had her sit next to me (on her absorbent pad) on the couch and look at books. It did help to be able to keep the momentum going on this one day and it was not necessary to skip another nap.

Conclusion
If you are still reading you must be definitely interested in this method, in which case I will encourage you: the benefits are worth the high time investment! I have really enjoyed that the short process helps us keep a positive focus. Although there can definitely be frustrations or discouragement, eventually perseverance pays off and both of you can look back and say, "Look what we did!"

Lunchbox Roundup

Here's the thing: lunch is forever a mystery to me. I never know what to make. I mean, I know about the basics. We do pb&j (well, for Benj it's sb&j or h...but I digress). So anyway, I'm not opposed to the obvious but, well, you know, there's only so many sandwiches you can eat. And also one of my goals this year was to improve the general healthfulness of our diet, which sort of disqualifies endless rounds of the aforementioned sandwich.

So I'd like to ask the readers, if you would kindly participate, What is your favorite lunchtime menu?

Oh, and since I would like this to be actually helpful to me I'm going to ask for ideas that fit into these guidelines:

• Easy. Think "making a sandwich"--that's about how much time it should take. The exception would be if you have a suggestion that can be made in large quantities ahead of time and frozen. But even then I just don't do complicated/time-consuming. (I'm guessing I'm not the only one....)
• Homemade with simple, natural ingredients or simple pre-prepared foods. By "homemade" I mean only that it's not a pre-made meal or a box mix-type of thing. Unfortunately I just can't do things like heat up a can of soup because of Benjamin's allergy restrictions. Feel free, however, to suggest a fabulous, easy, homemade soup because even if your recipe has things in it that we can't eat I can probably modify it. :) An example of simple pre-prepared foods might be yogurt.
• Healthy. You know, balanced, not excessively fat-laden.... Nothing ultra-fancy just...sensible. The whole foods/organic/you-shouldn't-eat-x,y,z-main-food-groups school of thought is completely lost on me...just so you know. :)

I can't wait to see what we come up with!

Age-Appropriate Chore Lists

Quite awhile ago I was influenced by a wise older mother to consider the benefits of training my children in specific duties so that by the time they entered their teen years they could successfully accomplish the basics of running a household. This seemed like a lofty goal to me, but also one worth pursuing. How to accomplish, or even begin to attempt this feat, however, was a bit more difficult. In true Kiersten-fashion I decided that I couldn't even begin to work toward this goal until I had a plan all mapped out. (Sigh. This "all or nothing" streak in me definitely has it's downsides.) I set about researching. I located and sorted through dozens of chore lists suggested for certain age groups. I cut and pasted, rearranged and consolidated, considered and planned over a period of several days until I had what seemed to be a good plan all mapped out in a handy-dandy Excel spreadsheet.

Benefits of Chore Training
I have been using these spreadsheets for about 2 years now and it has proven to be an extremely valuable tool for our family. Not only have they given me focus and direction for my training, but they have given the kids a sense of accomplishment as they have worked on and mastered new skills. Here are just a few of the benefits of chore training we have experienced first-hand:

• Promotes less burn-out for Mama  Any mama of young children knows that caring for every need of even one child is super exhausting! In my infant/toddler days a fellow mom (one with slightly older children) encouraged me that as the children got older each would begin to be more of a "plus" in the family, adding back into the life of the family while progressively "taking away" less and less. (This is not to minimize the blessing of young children, only a comment on their general effect on the logistics of the family in the first months of life.) Having a plan for assigning age-appropriate duties has helped us in the process of the "take-away" to "plus" transition, making for much less burn-out for Mama! Teaching my children to sweep the kitchen floor is certainly not the most efficient way to get the floor swept for those months of training, but over time they are gradually able to take over the task until it is no longer my job but theirs!
• Teaches our children to be others-focused  We all want our children to think of others, but how do we get there? Of course we talk about it and hopefully we model it, but another component is to expect it. One way we have begun to expect our children to think of others is by giving them jobs at home. As they do their jobs I try to emphasize that just as Mama cooks dinner for the whole family and washes the family's clothes, their jobs are a needed service for the good of our family. I believe my children's time is not wholly their own, merely to be spent on their own pleasures, but that I must teach them to spend themselves in service to others and in working hard for the glory of God.
• Helps me to overcome perfectionism  One of my biggest struggles has been and continues to be perfectionism. If left to myself I could definitely be one of those moms who would just do everything myself to make sure it gets done "right." Having a methodical system for teaching chores to my children has held me accountable to not fall into this trap.
• Reminds me to focus on the important, not merely the urgent  If you asked me what I want to accomplish in the few short years I have to shepherd my children I would likely give you a list of virtues, skills, and attitudes I believe to be crucial to a God-pleasing life. But ask me how I spend my days and some days you might not see any connection! We all seem to lament the tyranny of the urgent in our lives. We can tend to spend our days putting out little "fires" and wonder, as we fall into bed, "what did I really accomplish today?" By making a plan I was able to take that plan and build time in to my day to carry it out. Now many days my children are being trained in what I believe are important life lessons of skill and character little by little. And, as a bonus, as we work together over time there have become progressively less "fires" to put out!

The Lists
There is certainly nothing original about my chore lists; they are simply the result of compiling many ideas from various sources. But since it has been so helpful to me to have these more comprehensive list compiled, I would like to share them with my readers. On a logistical note: because I put lots of hard work into this project, please do not copy or post these lists on another blog or website without my permission. You are welcome to link directly to this post. These lists are for personal use only; please do not distribute. If you would like to use this resource in another context please contact me at: mamakiert@gmail.com. Thanks!

 9-12 months

18+ months

2+ years

3+ years

4+ years

5+ years

6-7+ years

8-10+ years*

11-12+ years*

13+ years*

*Please keep in mind my children are 7 and under. Tasks listed on these lists are based on recommendations from various other lists only.

Each list is arranged in the following sections: Personal, Household and "As a Learner." In the first two sections new age-appropriate tasks are listed as well as the tasks already learned from preceding lists. When a task is carried over from a previous list that task is placed in italics. In this way each list becomes a comprehensive record of skills from which you can draw your children's daily and weekly responsibilities at the given age. (I do NOT require my children to do everything on the list at any given time. The list is only a list of skills they are able to accomplish.) There are two exceptions to this format: 1. When a task becomes too easy it is dropped off the following list (i.e. "Do simple errands" from the 18 mo.+ list is dropped off of subsequent lists.) 2. When a task is learned progressively the next, harder step will replace the earlier task (i.e. "Sort laundry [hand things to child to put in appropriate piles]" from the 3+ list is replaced with "Sort laundry [clean and dirty] with supervision" on the 4+ list.)

The third section lists tasks the child can be learning to do at the given age. This concept is based on an apprenticeship model. For an apprentice to master the skill the following process is followed:

1. The master craftsman demonstrates the skill while the apprentice watches.
2. The master craftsman works hand-in-hand with the apprentice, guiding him through each step of the process.
3. The master craftsman watches while the apprentice demonstrates the skill, guiding and correcting immediately, as necessary.
4. The apprentice completes the task alone; the master craftsman examines the final product.
5. The apprentice is fully trained and able to complete the skill on his own.

The first three steps are what I have in mind for tasks listed in the "As a Learner" section. I have built into my schedule a 15-minute period each morning for teaching and training my children in these tasks. Sometimes we don't need this time if we are not working on a new skill, but it is helpful to have that time mentally set-aside for the times we do need a little training time in the mornings. Typically a task listed in the "As a Learner" section of one list is moved to the "Personal" or "Household" section on the following list.

How I Use the Lists
I have printed out a copy of each list for each of my three children (up to the current age of each), which I keep in a binder. When I started I checked off each skill they had already mastered, giving me a clear picture of the things we needed to work on. Even though Benjamin was nearly 4 when I began this system there were skills on the 2+ year list that he had not yet learned. I focused on teaching these skills first. I place a dot next to skills we are currently working on. When I think the skill is mastered I place a check on the list. When we move to a new list I first consider if a new level of skill may be appropriate for the new age (i.e. should I teach him how to dust more thoroughly than I previously required?) If so, I do not check it off; if not, I check off the item and use it to form the basis for a list of potential chores.

Periodically I review the lists to give me fresh ideas for assigning chores. I have two children who are able to do independent chores so I normally choose a core set of chores and then have the children alternate on a weekly basis. For example, currently our after-breakfast chores are: check/empty small trashcans and dust. One child checks and empties the bathroom-sized trashcans while the other picks one room to dust. The next week they switch jobs. After a few weeks (months?) I might choose 2 more chores for this time.

I'm still tweaking my system and I would love to hear how you approach chores in your family. What are your ideas?

First Day of School!

I think it's safe to say that I would have been a complete mess this morning had I taken Benjamin to Kindergarten to drop him off this morning. I have been emotional enough as it is! Yesterday was "promotion Sunday" at church and between seeing "K and 1st Grade" on the door and having multiple people comment on his pew-sitting in church (at our church Kindergarteners sit through church with their parents), I got teary several times. I can't believe how much my little boy has grown up!

Fortunately for me I'm not only the mama of a Kindergartener, but also the teacher--so I got to keep my big boy here at home this morning for his first day of Kindergarten. We had a great day!

Our morning actually started out a bit rocky. While Benj was beyond thrilled to be starting Kindergarten at church yesterday, this morning he had a bit more of a poker face about the whole thing. I'm not sure what was going on there, but thankfully his attitude improved after breakfast. Talia, on the other hand, was as happy as can be about her first official day of Preschool. Happy little Leila was just along for the ride. :)

Over the weekend Seth and I were sharing memories from our first day of Kindergarten with the kids. Seth specifically remembered that both of his parents took him to school. He wanted to be there for Benjamin's first day of Kindergarten too so he went into work late this morning.

After breakfast we went outside and took our "First Day of School" pictures.

We also got some of the teacher with her class. :)

At lunchtime I asked the kids what their favorite parts of school had been so far. Talia liked her new pencil box (chock full of new school supplies :) ) and our handwriting lesson, in which we played games with the Wood Pieces she will use to learn to build capital letters (to help her learn the names for each piece). Benjamin also loved Talia's games with Wood Pieces--they motivated him to finish his independent work quickly. :) Benjamin's other favorites today were learning about dinosaurs via our internet-linked Children's Encyclopedia and reading our new chapter book, The Boxcar Children.

We had a great start to our new school year! I can't wait for tomorrow. :)

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 4a

4. Don't measure yourself by someone else's standard; the results will not be accurate!

A few weeks ago the kids and I were talking about measuring. We first explored the idea of a unit of measure. How many papers long is Daddy's desk? How many Talias long is this wall? How many Benj-hands wide is this doorway? Next we progressed to learning some vocabulary for measuring. I explained that one unit we can use to measure is feet. Having just experienced measuring with various implements, including their own body parts, the kids latched right on to the idea of measuring in feet. I set them to the task of measuring the length of our school room area rug in feet. Confidently they each began to mark off the prescribed distance in a heel-to-toe pattern, counting meticulously: one ... two ... three ... four. But there was a problem! When they reached the other end, each came up with a different answer. This, of course, was the point of my little educational activity: an introduction to the need for a standard unit of measure.

It is a simple illustration with an obvious (to those of us who aren't 4 and 5 years old) outcome. Yet, how often do we employ the same childish technique of measuring ourselves by someone else's standard? According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, one of the earliest meanings of the word standard was simply, a "unit of measure." It later took on the meaning "authoritative or recognized exemplar of quality or correctness." We often take what we would call someone else's "standard" and apply it to ourselves using the second meaning, rather than the first; at least I do!

I'll admit it: I got sucked in. As a new-ish mom with two small children, I knew just enough about the attractions of the online social world known to some as "mommy blogs" to get myself in trouble. For a time I read blog post after blog post written by these amazing women, some of them friends, all of them roughly my age and at my stage of life, who were doing all these wonderful, perfect, amazing things with their lives. Their children were always groomed perfectly with adorable little hairstyles and designer clothes. They always had amazingly artistic photographs of their children engaging in self-initiated creative activities or producing galleries of artistic wonders. Their houses were always spotless. Their days were always spent baking artisan bread, taking picturesque picnic lunches to the local park, and refinishing furniture to decorating perfection. Well, some of them were doing some of these things, some of the time. But I put all those lovely pieces together in my head and was convinced (and yes I do realize that this is a completely irrational statement) that somehow everyone else's life looked like that, and mine? well, mine was an endless mountain of dirty dishes and squabbling preschoolers. In my mind there was a mommy standard, in the "recognized exemplar" sense, and I wasn't meeting it.

I wish I could remember exactly how the realization came to me, but one day it crystallized, just as clearly as if I had always known it: I can't expect my life to look like someone else's because we don't have the same life! Once again, it was an embarrassingly simple truth, but its very simplicity brought hope to my envy-sick soul. 

In the next post we will delve into 4 reasons we should measure ourselves by a unique standard, and how we can find rest in establishing the correct standard.

Other posts in this series:

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 1
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 2
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 3

Our Incredible Dentist Experience!

A few weeks ago I took the older kids to a new dentist. I searched the insurance website looking for a pediatric dentist, but I couldn't find one anywhere near us. I settled on a family dentist office close to our house (which is a feat, since we live out in the country :) ).


I tried to prepare the kids for what they might experience, thinking that Talia, who is in a fearful phase, would be especially anxious. I needn't have worried. The staff were incredible! They exclaimed over everything from their sweet faces to their shoes. They asked them tons of questions about themselves and then showed them all around the exam room before they even sat in the chair. They let them explore the equipment, push buttons, "ride" in the chair, and pick out a character toothbrush all before they even mentioned opening mouths.


When the time came to sit in the chair they each got to pick out a pair of sunglasses to wear when the hygienist turned on the bright, overhead lamp. These kids were in heaven! I'm sure they felt like movie stars!

The dentist was equally kid-friendly. She was hilarious and the kids liked her immediately. When we left each kid got stickers, a sugar-free lollipop, a new toothbrush, a mini tube of toothpaste, and a paperback book about going to the dentist, which the dentist had inscribed and signed. (The book was because it was their first visit to this office.) Needless to say they can't wait to go back to the dentist. Great job Mortenson Family Dental!

Mary Kay Makeover!

Last night I had a Mary Kay party here at our house. Talia had been thinking about joining us for the party, but at the last minute decided to watch a movie with Daddy & her siblings downstairs. She was so disappointed at the end of the party that she had chosen the movie, "Miss Stephanie" (the Mary Kay consultant) took pity on her and left a color card (makeup samples) for us to play with. Talia and I had our very own private Mary Kay party this evening, complete with a makeover. Here is the lovely lady ...

Finally! Our First Day of School!

Our life has been in a bit of upheaval lately. Suffice it to say, we were planning to move this past Saturday and had been planning toward that end for a couple of weeks when, about a week before the move, we found out that things were on hold with the house we planned to rent.

Buried somewhere in the mountains of boxes were 5 small boxes containing all the books and supplies I have been carefully collecting all summer to start homeschooling Benjamin this fall. Originally I planned to start school on the 16th of August, giving us plenty of room in our school schedule for trips, holidays, and other family events. When we made plans to move at the end of August I planned to postpone our start date. With our move now tentatively scheduled for the end of September/beginning of October, I knew we should go ahead and get started with school, but that was easier planned than executed.

First, we HAD to get our life back to some semblance of normality. We couldn't even move with all those towers of boxes taking up significant portions of our already minuscule living room and bedroom, not to mention the general atmosphere of upheaval that was cluttering our minds as much as our home. So Seth and I spent yesterday afternoon moving all our packed boxes along with a couple of empty bookshelves to a storage unit. Seth stripped down our family mini-van and converted it into a cargo vehicle deluxe. While he drove loads of boxes to storage I went to work filling our empty shelves and closets with packing materials and empty boxes. The result of this effort was a delightfully clean and clear living space after a month of mess. Ahh!

Moving one of the empty bookshelves in the living room and some of the kids' "living room toys" to their bedroom allowed us the space to construct the little table and chairs we purchased a couple of weeks ago to become Benjamin's desk. Seth went to work expertly constructing tiny furniture, while I unpacked the boxes I had set aside during our earlier purge. (Fortunately I had marked all the school boxes with "Open First" stickers, so they were easily identifiable.) After a couple of hours, this was the result of our efforts:

Everything was ready for Benjamin's first day of school.

This morning the kids woke up and immediately remembered that today was an exciting day. As I've said before, they normally read books until I come to get them up, but this morning they both emerged, tousle-headed and sleepy-eyed with a look of anticipation reminiscent of Christmas morning. They explored their new tot sized space, standing anxiously near their pretty new table, but not daring to sit down. They opened the pencil box filled with new crayons, scissors, glue sticks, pencils, and miscellaneous other thrilling treasures. They examined the slate and chalk. I pointed out that there was an envelope on the table. "What does it say?," I asked as Benjamin looked down at it. A big grin spread over his still-sleepy face, "It says Benjamin Riley!" He opened the card from his Daddy and Mama with all the pride of a very big boy. Hungry to take on the new-felt mantle of responsibility, he raced off to his room to get dressed, his sister following close behind him.

Throughout the morning Benj remained aware that he had crossed over some imaginary threshold into a weightier realm. When I asked him to help me put the milk away instead of grunting and groaning over how heavy the (2/3 empty) milk cartons were he bore his burden with dignity and declared happily, "I'm a big school boy helper!"

I should have realized that gorgeous new table and all those pristine supplies were begging to be used, but I blindly started out by introducing our Bible verse and character trait for the week, next settling the kids both on my lap for an educational look at a few classic nursery rhymes. When I laid the book aside and announced that we were going to take a little break to do our morning chores Benj collapsed in a dramatic swoon. "But I wanted to do schoooool!" I realized the next thing better be sitting at that table and using those brand new scissors or I was going to lose him forever. :)

We did have a little incident with those scissors.... Today was essentially the first time Benj had ever used scissors. For one thing he doesn't have a lot of strength in his hands and previous attempts have been frustrating for both of us. Another factor has been that Talia, while feeling like she can do everything Benj can do, truthfully sometimes lacks the maturity necessary to accomplish certain tasks (like weilding a pair of scissors--yikes!) So we sat down to do our first "real" (in Benj's opinion) school activity, making an "F" sheet to kick off our introduction to the letter of the week. In retrospect I'm not sure why, but I expected Talia to get bored fairly quickly and scamper off to play. She sat down, just as attentive as Benj, fully expecting to participate in this highly exciting activity. I quickly hunted down an extra pair of safety scissors and a spare glue stick (which, thankfully, weren't packed) and we commenced cutting and gluing magazine clippings of faces, frogs, fruit, and flowers to blank sheets of white paper. Somewhere in the middle of all the cutting and helping and "oh no! I put the glue on the wrong side!," Benjamin managed to cut 3 small but prominent holes in the tummy area of his polo shirt. Oops! Note to self: further instruction in cutting is clearly needed (preferably while Talia is napping).

I did take advantage of the quiet afternoon hours while the girls were napping/resting to cover some material I thought Benjamin would enjoy in a more one-on-one special time with just Mama. One of the books he has been most excited to start reading is the Berenstain Bears Science and Nature Super Treasury. As soon as the girls were down he brought it to me with an air of great expectancy. We opened to the first page, page 4, where we learned that a year is made up of 4 seasons or can also be identified as 12 months. On pages 6 and 7 we learned that January 1st, the first day of the first month, is called "New Year's Day" and that on this special day you wake up your parents by ringing a bell and shouting "Happy New Year!" (Let's hope that illustration didn't sink in deeply enough to be remembered 4 months from now.) Having completed the first reading assignment I closed the book. Benj was mortified. "But Mom! We only read 3 pages!" I explained that the assignment for today was to read through page 7. Tomorrow we would read the next section. He continued to sag with hearty disappointment. "We can keep going if you want," I offered. "But we won't have anything to read tomorrow." "YEAH! Let's keep going!" He perked up. "It's ok if we read the part for tomorrow." So we did. And he was satisfied.

It is so fun to see Benj (and Talia) giddy with the excitement of the prospect of learning. And so extremely satisfying that I get to be the one to see it all happening. I hope our school year continues on with as much fun and energy as it has started. :)