Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 4b

Last Friday I shared this lesson: Don't measure yourself by someone else's standard, the results will not be accurate! Just as Benjamin and Talia will obtain different results when they measure the same rug using their own (different sized) feet, we will gain a skewed perspective when we measure our success by the achievements of others.

As I understood that "I can't expect my life to look like someone else's because we don't have the same life", I began to realize I should measure myself by a unique standard because of the following four (at least) factors:

• Different priorities. Here's the thing: all those women I envied didn't care about the exact same things I care about. There are facets of life and parenting that are important to me which may be only marginally, or not at all, important to others. Likewise, a season of life may lend a greater sense of urgency to certain endeavors. Choices about child discipline, finances, lifestyle, goals, health, and reaching out to others (and how these all come into balance with one another) are just a few of the factors that will cause even families who share the same basic core beliefs to operate quite differently from one another.
  
  In the trenches we had a few simple priorities: to continue to honor and serve God, to keep our marriage strong, to raise our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, and to finish the degree! (OK, there might have been a few more things sprinkled in there, but you get the idea.) I've talked before about my part in the dissertation writing process, mainly to take care of many of life's details so Seth could focus on writing. In light of this, one of my most basic priorities while we were in survival mode was to keep things simple. If I got too elaborate in my daily routine or too ambitious in my project list I inevitably ended up stressed out and burned out. Grouchy too. I had to learn to let go of my lovely idealistic picture of what it meant to be a good mom and instead to embrace our family's priorities and the activities that went with them.

• Different circumstances. Although we moms tend to group ourselves by various factors (I place myself in groups like this: moms of multiple children, moms of toddlers/preschoolers, homeschoolers, stay-at-home moms), our circumstances often vary widely. Number of children, season of life, health challenges ... many factors make up the specific set of circumstances in which each of us parent.

As Seth and I strove to work as a team to complete his doctoral program I gradually came to realize that I was not superwoman! And while we’re on the subject, let me just blow that one wide open: the superwoman image is a myth! None of us can do it all, but for some reason we keep feeling like we need to pretend that we can. Sometimes we do this by maintaining a front (always having the right answer, never sharing our struggles, even blog posts can contribute to this "I have it all together" lie if we're not careful). Sometimes we just hold ourselves to impossibly perfectionistic standards. This is nothing more than pride! During dissertation days there were some things that were just beyond the scope of my abilities at that time, and that was perfectly OK. It was (and is) ridiculous for me to waste one ounce of emotion feeling guilty for being human.

• Different personalities (and different parenting styles). We all know that personalities are as varied and unique as the billions of individuals who make up the population of the world. I have come to the conclusion that the same is true of our “mommy personalities” (parenting styles). I have never met even one other mom who handles every single situation the same way that I do. And since that is true it only makes sense that there is really no such thing as one standard by which I can measure my effectiveness as a mom.

In the early days, while I was still trying to keep up with Mrs. Jones, to modify the cliché, it eventually became clear to me that my son's behavior was suffering for my wandering. Benjamin was a very, VERY stubborn infant & toddler. He didn’t exactly catch on quickly when it came to learning acceptable (and unacceptable) behaviors and often required much more discipline than other children his age to acquire these skills. Consequently it was important to me to be VERY consistent with him in the beginning. Allowing even one loophole could cause him to persist in searching for another for weeks! I eventually found that in order to accomplish my goals for Benjamin I just couldn’t take the luxury of being “out and about” quite as much as other moms. It was important to me to be home where I could quickly and firmly administer effective discipline, as opposed to being at a playgroup or out shopping where I was more distracted and less free to deal promptly with situations that might arise.

• Different children. Both nature and nurture contribute to the wonderfully individual little people we have the privilege to raise. Each child comes with an ever-developing, unique combination of personality, physical ability, academic capacity, health factors, and spiritual understanding, to name a few of the many angles at which we must understand and guide our children. It therefore stands to reason that a one-size-fits-all "world's best mom" t-shirt isn't going to fit very many of us.

Some of you may have heard me mention before that my children hate crafts! Things have gotten a little better since we began homeschooling and they have learned that organized activity can be fun, but the majority of the time they balk at the idea of sitting down at the kitchen table to engage in some little activity I have cooked up for them. It used to make me mad. "What is wrong with these children??," I would say to myself after some attempt at fun dissolved into yet another round of complaining. I have no idea why some kids love to create and mine don't, but I've since decided not to stress out about it. Their minds are active and constantly learning: they spend hours in imaginary play!, they love music!, they tell me stories!, they love to read! Ultimately, does it really matter if we do themed crafts for every holiday or have boxes of artwork to tuck away for posterity? There are some ideals I just have to let go for the sake of loving my children for who they are.

When we consider our unique priorities, circumstances, personalities, and children it might be easy to come to the conclusion that these are the factors which should shape the unique standard by which we measure ourselves. The only problem, of course, is that although we think we know what is best for our lives, even our own intuition and best guesses are often flawed.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...." Proverbs 3:5 (emphasis added)

"All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the LORD weighs the heart." Proverbs 21:2 (emphasis added)

The unique standard by which we should measure ourselves, then, does not begin with our own knowledge, but is rooted, first and foremost in God's standard. And look what happens when we accept this:

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Trying to do it on my own, trying to be or do something for which God did not create me, trying to operate by a faulty standard, is a burden! Jesus says we must do three things to shed that burden. We must 1) realize our own efforts aren't making it ("come to me"), 2) submit to Him ("take my yoke upon you"), and 3) set our minds on his truth ("learn from me"). As we do that He will give us a different kind of a burden, a burden that isn't heavy because it's the one He created us to carry!

When I submit to God's plan for my life and quit carrying around the burden of that false standard, whatever it may be, I am free to see that my life, measured by His standard, is found completely worthy because of Christ's blood shed to cover my sin. In this I can truly find rest. Praise God!

Other posts in this series:

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 1
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 2
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 3
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 4a

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 4a

4. Don't measure yourself by someone else's standard; the results will not be accurate!

A few weeks ago the kids and I were talking about measuring. We first explored the idea of a unit of measure. How many papers long is Daddy's desk? How many Talias long is this wall? How many Benj-hands wide is this doorway? Next we progressed to learning some vocabulary for measuring. I explained that one unit we can use to measure is feet. Having just experienced measuring with various implements, including their own body parts, the kids latched right on to the idea of measuring in feet. I set them to the task of measuring the length of our school room area rug in feet. Confidently they each began to mark off the prescribed distance in a heel-to-toe pattern, counting meticulously: one ... two ... three ... four. But there was a problem! When they reached the other end, each came up with a different answer. This, of course, was the point of my little educational activity: an introduction to the need for a standard unit of measure.

It is a simple illustration with an obvious (to those of us who aren't 4 and 5 years old) outcome. Yet, how often do we employ the same childish technique of measuring ourselves by someone else's standard? According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, one of the earliest meanings of the word standard was simply, a "unit of measure." It later took on the meaning "authoritative or recognized exemplar of quality or correctness." We often take what we would call someone else's "standard" and apply it to ourselves using the second meaning, rather than the first; at least I do!

I'll admit it: I got sucked in. As a new-ish mom with two small children, I knew just enough about the attractions of the online social world known to some as "mommy blogs" to get myself in trouble. For a time I read blog post after blog post written by these amazing women, some of them friends, all of them roughly my age and at my stage of life, who were doing all these wonderful, perfect, amazing things with their lives. Their children were always groomed perfectly with adorable little hairstyles and designer clothes. They always had amazingly artistic photographs of their children engaging in self-initiated creative activities or producing galleries of artistic wonders. Their houses were always spotless. Their days were always spent baking artisan bread, taking picturesque picnic lunches to the local park, and refinishing furniture to decorating perfection. Well, some of them were doing some of these things, some of the time. But I put all those lovely pieces together in my head and was convinced (and yes I do realize that this is a completely irrational statement) that somehow everyone else's life looked like that, and mine? well, mine was an endless mountain of dirty dishes and squabbling preschoolers. In my mind there was a mommy standard, in the "recognized exemplar" sense, and I wasn't meeting it.

I wish I could remember exactly how the realization came to me, but one day it crystallized, just as clearly as if I had always known it: I can't expect my life to look like someone else's because we don't have the same life! Once again, it was an embarrassingly simple truth, but its very simplicity brought hope to my envy-sick soul. 

In the next post we will delve into 4 reasons we should measure ourselves by a unique standard, and how we can find rest in establishing the correct standard.

Other posts in this series:

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 1
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 2
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 3

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 3

If you are just joining us, here are the first two posts in this series:
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 1
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 2

3. Embrace your "Normal," whatever that may be.

Last spring I joined a Bible Study lead by my pastor's wife. God has since called them to another ministry, but I am so thankful that God used Ms. Lynette to speak truth into my life during the final months of the dissertation. Lesson #3 is one I learned from her.

I can hear Ms. Lynette's voice, quite clearly in my mind, "We've got to learn to live in our 'New Normal,' whatever that is! Sometimes we've just got to be big girls, quit whinin', and just do it!" (That, by the way, is a loose quotation. :) )


I confess, this was often precisely what I needed to hear. By the end of our PhD process I often did not feel like continuing to do the right thing, and even more often I struggled to think and believe the right thing. Too often I was "whinin'" in my heart, if not outloud. Of course, it wasn't a "New Normal" I was struggling with, but the old "Normal," which, in my mind was getting...well, old.

Looking back I can see a marked difference between the times I made wise choices despite my feelings (aka: embracing my "Normal") and the times I acted out of emotion (aka: discontentment with my "Normal"). Choosing to wash dishes, do laundry, make beds, bathe children, cook, and clean up messes, despite exhaustion and the overwhelming temptation to sit at my computer in my pajamas all day, often lifted my spirits and renewed my energy. Giving into the temptation to neglect my responsibilities, however, lead to despondency, further exhaustion, and a greater struggle with sins such as anger, impatience, and selfishness.

Not surprisingly, this observation mirrors a biblical principle:

"Each one should test their own actions...for each one should carry their own load.... Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:4-9

God tells us we should test ourselves to see if our actions measure up to the responsibilities He has given us. Our actions are the seeds we sow. If we act to please ourselves God plainly tells us we will reap destruction. Applications of this include spiritual consequences (such as defeat in struggles with sin, a sense of separation from God), emotional consequences (such as depression, fear, guilt, shame, anxiety, anger), practical consequences (such as problems in relationships, losses, fruitless efforts), and even physical consequences (such as sleeplessness, lack of energy, stomach issues). If, however, we act to please the Spirit, we will reap the freedom of living life as God intended.

God gives each of us different sets of circumstances for different seasons of our lives. We aren't always going to feel happy or fulfilled in what He has called us to for any given season. But, as Ms. Lynette so clearly impressed on me, embracing "Normal" means we have to keep doing the right thing, even when we don't feel like it, trusting that the emotion will eventually follow.

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 2

For the first post in this "Lessons Learned in the Trenches" series, click here.

2. There's Always Something....

"Things will get better once we ________."
"I'll do (think about, start, get around to) ________ when things calm down."
"I know I need to ________, but things are just so crazy right now!"

These phrases, and other mantras like them were common in my thinking during the long battle. We would often laugh about what on earth we would do with ourselves when, for the first time in our ten years of marriage, Seth didn't constantly have schoolwork hanging over his head. We pictured ourselves sitting on the couch in the evenings, flipping channels or reading for pleasure.

I certainly won't say that we have not had any increase in our leisure time, nor will I maintain that our stress level and pace of life is entirely unchanged. But, as I recently heard someone say in regards to an I'll-consider-it-when-things-calm-down attitude, "When have you ever had a calm week in your life?!" I think most of us tend to believe that our stressful circumstances are temporary and that a less hectic future is in store for us if we can just make it around the next corner. Unfortunately, there's always something.

Our life is definitely more balanced now than it was while Seth was writing. There were periods during which we barely saw him and hardly ever ate a meal together as a whole family. There were exhausting weeks of doing nearly all the childcare, dish washing, cooking, cleaning (what little got done in those days), bathing, and discipline alone. So some of the "extra time" we expected to have once school was done was absorbed into those aspects of family life that had suffered some imbalance. But I also found that in the absence of one Pressure, others were quick to arise and vie to take its place.

In the beginning I promised this series would be encouraging. Thus far it seems I have painted a rather bleak picture with my second lesson. Is there hope in this reality? Yes! I have learned that while there's always something, that stress and burn-out are not the inevitable results, neither must this truth always further a hectic lifestyle. Rather, the following principles have come to guide my thinking about this second lesson:

• The Christian life is a "race that is set before us." Paul encourages us to "lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and ... run with endurance ... looking to Jesus." (see Hebrews 12:1-2) 

  This passage tells us how we should run ("with endurance"), what allows us to keep running ("looking to Jesus"), and also WHY we are running: the "race" is "set before us" by God! In this sense life is supposed to be an endurance race. If we are obeying God we will be running--long and hard. But if we run in the strength of Jesus the race will not overwhelm us. To use another biblical metaphor, the result of submission to the yoke of Christ (obedience to His plan for our lives--our "race") is a "burden" that is easy and light, because it is the one He created us to carry!

• Serving God and fulfilling His purpose for my life is not "over there" but here.

  It is so easy to get in my mind that when I get to that place I will really be able to start doing what God wants me to do with my life. The thing is, the destination is always changing. When I get to college ... when I get married ... when we start our family ... when we graduate from seminary ... when Seth gets a teaching job.... Turns out the old cliche really is great advice: bloom where you're planted. This is both a lesson of (1) contentment and (2) action: (1) quit waiting for this or that to happen in order to gain happiness (in this context: quit waiting for this busy season to pass) and (2) get busy with the work God has for you to do! No more excuses!

• A full life is a blessing; a busy life is a curse.

The stress and burn-out I mentioned above are some of the negative effects of busyness. Busyness is me trying to do more and be more than that for which God created me: trying to attain perfect standards, fulfill assignments beyond my giftedness, or a hundred other little distractions with which I can fill up my life. Fullness is God working through me each and every day to accomplish His purposes.

I have a cheap, orange plastic paintbrush I keep in a jar in my kitchen. When I see this paintbrush each morning it reminds me to pray what I call my Paintbrush Prayer: "God, paint the picture You want to create on the canvas of my day. And please use me as your paintbrush." It is amazing how full, yet peaceful and energizing my day can be when I simply acknowledge that I am not the master craftsman, only the tool.

• Living a life that lines up with my priorities means saying "no" to good things to embrace what is best.

Once again, the fact that there's always something can lead to major stress and burn-out in our lives. Especially as a mother of three pre-school children I can find myself in this mode pretty quickly when I am not careful to guard my time and monitor my commitment level.

In our dissertation season of life I tried to keep my activities outside our home to a very bare minimum. If I was overcommitted to outside activities and thus less attentive to meal preparation, clutter control in our home, and our children's routines, it was a distraction and source of stress for Seth. After graduation I was able to consider opportunities with more openness. But it has still been necessary for me to carefully consider my involvements.

I have found that if my reality is ever going to match up with my priorities I am going to have to budget time for those important tasks, just as I would budget money for a needed item. When I began to budget out my time and rearrange my schedule according to my priorities I made an interesting observation. I wasn't able to simply cut out all the "bad" things, the wasted time, and paste in the things of value. You see, I wasn't really spending my time on worthless pursuits--it was pretty much all good stuff! But as I tried to look at my time through new lenses, I recognized there were good things that weren't best. There were tasks I had taken on because I felt I "had to;" some of my pursuits were motivated by guilt, fear or obligation, while some were merely old habits. In letting go of some of these good things I made more room to live in light of the important, not merely the urgent.

We are still learning the fine art of balancing life with three children, church ministry, work (in a field unrelated to Seth's career), career development, running our home, friendships, health, finances.... But I have learned that I can't count on our "three ring circus" to leave town anytime soon, so I'm going to have to learn to juggle!

Lessons Learned in the Trenches (of Doctoral Studies)

I started this post series in November. I decided to pull it out and dust it off since it's encouraging stuff I really want to share!

As I wrote a couple of days weeks months ago, I have recently been processing our whole school/Ph.D./dissertation experience at a deeper level. Honestly, I've been thinking to myself, "It's about time!" I have been wanting for some time to write about our experience, desiring to give personal testimony to the faithfulness of our mighty God. But the thoughts just would not flow. I didn't have a single idea for how to take the enormity of our experience over the past 11 years (and more specifically the microcosm of the past 2-3 years) and condense it into a meaningful composition. So I didn't write anything.

This morning it hit me: "Lessons Learned in the Trenches." Yes, that was the angle I had been searching for! God truly has taught me so many (many!) lessons, especially over the past 3 years which have easily been the hardest of my life. For so long the road seemed endlessly hard and the progress (especially in my own sinful heart) depressingly meager, but finally emerging from the shadow and standing here on the other side has allowed me to recognize just how much God has done in my heart. And so, as a testimony to God's amazing faithfulness and love, I would like to begin to share with you some of the lessons I learned in the trenches.

1. God is faithful, good, and loving all the time.

This sounds cliche and churchy, but it is truly the core of what I learned in the darkness. I found my belief in the validity of this statement challenged on more than one occasion as I processed the many, many challenges, setbacks, and disappointments of the final stretches of this hard road. But what I have come to believe, more firmly than ever, is that the human response of "how could God let this happen to me??" exists when we have a wrong view of God. It all comes down to who is on the throne of your heart.

Truthfully, I must admit that during the periods of greatest discouragement I wrestled with thoughts that maybe we were on our own; maybe God didn't care much about our misery.One of my recurring questions was why God would continue to allow setbacks and difficulties that were completely out of Seth's control to prolong suffering for our family. We prayed fervently that God would reward our diligence by orchestrating a timely end to the dissertation. We heard, "no" in answer to that plea several times before God finally gave us the desire of our hearts. More than once I looked at the long, dark tunnel still ahead and felt abandoned by God. One night as I expressed my feelings of abandonment to a friend she reminded me I was in good company--Jesus expressed precisely that anguish when he cried, "My God, why have You forsaken me?"

I don't pretend to know why God allowed Seth's Ph.D. work to drag on for so long, but I do know that for as long as I entertained any hint of the thought that the reasons were grounded in God's lack of concern and love for us I was tortured and miserable. Even as my faith was weak, again and again in the darkness God offered me rays of the light of His Truth. And the Truth was/is, it's not all about me! God's purpose for me is good, but the way that His purpose fleshes out in my life is about his world-wide agenda, not necessarily my moment-by-moment comfort. In tiny increments I began to understand, and finally to fully embrace beyond a doubt, that God is faithful, good and loving, even when I don't understand how that could possibly be true. Feeling abandoned by God is sometimes part of life (let me point again to Jesus), but that even in that pit God is there; the feeling that He is not does not alter this truth. Further, belief in truth I do not understand is a choice. When things are going badly I can choose to entertain lies that tell me God doesn't care about me or I can choose to simply say, I don't understand it, but I'm going to trust Him.

Stay tuned for:
Lesson 2: There's Always Something....

Goals for 2011

I know most people usually post a New Year-related post around, oh, say, the 1st of January. So, I'm a little behind. Meh {shrug}. Oh well. (On a related note, be looking for our Christmas New Years Family Update letter in your email inbox soon.)

Here are a few of my personal goals for 2011. I'm excited about everything God is teaching me already this year!

• God - to adopt prayer as a theme for direction and focus this year ...
• Seth - not sharing, but I have some :)
• Benjamin - to foster independence and eagerness to take on responsibility, to be more consistent about his allergy regimen (meds) and more creative with his food options
• Talia - to help her control her tongue and become more thoughtful of others through careful listening, to provide muscle-strengthening activities and experiences to challenge and strengthen her (she is diagnosed with low muscle tone)
• Leila - to read outloud to her more often, to implement physical therapy strategies consistently (No, she's still not walking; yes, she is 20 months old.), to monitor weight gain and healthy intake, to teach basic first-time obedience (another round of the "terrific two's" coming right up!)
• All Children - to teach them to work and serve others cheerfully through implementation of age-appropriate duties ...
• Taking Care of Myself (physically, mentally) - to run a 5K, to get up earlier than the children consistently, to get 7 hrs. of sleep every night, to read 12 challenging books on subjects such as parenting, educating children, biblical counseling, biblical topics, wisdom/life topics and to take notes/journal as I go ...
• Homemaking - to keep my plan simple enough that I will stick with it, to provide easy, fast, healthful, economic meals for my family that fastidiously accommodate Benj's allergies
• Teaching/Mentoring, Ministry & Relationships - I have several goals in this area, mostly involving specific relationships and ministry opportunities, which I'm not going to share publicly. The main focus of my goals in this area is to focus on my strengths (like one-on-one relationships) and not spend a lot of time and effort in areas where I am simply not gifted (like leading small groups).
• Finances - to continue to shop wisely and hunt for excellent bargains, but to let it occupy a much smaller chunk of my time and attention, to actively work to reduce our budget, not just get great bargains ...

Do you set goals for the New Year? What is your favorite goal for this year?

A Theology of Suffering

When Trials Come

Words and Music by Keith Getty & Kristyn Getty

When trials come no longer fear

For in the pain our God draws near

To fire a faith worth more than gold

And there His faithfulness is told

And there His faithfulness is told

Within the night I know Your peace

The breath of God brings strength to me

And new each morning mercy flows

As treasures of the darkness grow

As treasures of the darkness grow

I turn to Wisdom not my own

For every battle You have known

My confidence will rest in You

Your love endures Your ways are good

Your love endures Your ways are good

When I am weary with the cost

I see the triumph of the cross

So in its shadow I shall run

Till He completes the work begun

Till He completes the work begun

One day all things will be made new

I’ll see the hope You called me to

And in your kingdom paved with gold

I’ll praise Your faithfulness of old

I’ll praise Your faithfulness of old

As I listened to the lyrics of this song in the car Thursday morning on my way to the pediatrician’s office I heard them with my heart as I never had before.

We’ve had a bit of a rough week. The situation is best left imprecise in this context, but I will characterize it as a potentially severe disappointment of what we thought was to be the fulfillment of a long-cherished hope. The effects of this impending setback will include much work that will need to be un- or re-done, an overhaul of our fall schedule, possible continued health problems, and the surrender of a happy dream. Like I said, it’s been a rough week.

Wednesday night I was overcome with discouragement. A minor irritation became a major source of frustration as I viewed it through the dark lens of our sad news. The more I wondered “why?,” the more discouraged I became. I began to think not only about our own (relatively minor) sufferings, but all the pain and suffering we’ve encountered this year. I thought about my friend Becky who lost her dad to suicide just after Christmas. I thought about another friend, also Becky, who completely unexpectedly lost her husband in March and is now the single-mom of 3 young children. I thought about Mary who survived breast cancer only to have her house burn to the ground a few years later. And others—friends who have had miscarriages, friends who have lost jobs in which they have served faithfully for years, friends who have been unjustly accused and endured the ill-effects of something they didn’t do, friends who suffer quietly day by day as they live with major medical conditions. All these people love God. Every single one is a shining example of Christ’s love to the world around her (or him). To my knowledge the suffering they have endured is not of a disciplinary nature. I quickly became overwhelmed with the crushing question: “WHY?”

I knew there must be an answer, but I couldn’t for the life of me remember what it was. I flipped on the light and opened my Bible, hardly knowing what I was even looking for. I settled in Romans, chapter 5 where I began to just fill my crushed soul with the refreshing water of truth. I read and read, one chapter leading to another where a thought would send me searching somewhere else. Here is what I found:

1. Suffering reminds us who we are & Who God is.

I like to think I’m in control of many things. Or if I’m not in control, I want to be. Suffering forces me to acknowledge that, in fact, I have no “say so” except that which God allows. What appears to me to be a situation that worked out the way I wanted it to is always and only the loving blessing of God in my life. And if that blessing is removed from my life tomorrow my Father is still loving and faithful and will continue to provide everything I need, exactly when I need it.

“But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, ‘Why have you made me like this?’ Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honored use and another for dishonored use?” Romans 9:20-21

“The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21b

2. Suffering forces us to acknowledge God’s power and depend on God’s provision. (Suffering gives us a greater opportunity to entrust ourselves to God.)

When I am in the comfortable groove of everyday living I tend to act as if “I’ve got this one covered.” Taken to the practical level, it is often as if I’m saying, “Thanks for getting me started, God. I’ll take it from here.” I assume everything will continue on its natural trajectory and in such thinking I tend to forget from Whom the abundant provision for my blessed life comes. When that comfortable plan is thrown off-track it reminds me that the comfort of God’s grace and the knowledge that He will meet every need is far superior to my paltry plans.

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12.8-10

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33

3. Suffering refines our faith as fire refines gold.

I have heard the analogy of the refiners fire so often that I, at first glance, I can hardly identify what it means anymore. This week I have considered afresh the meaning of this word picture. A precious metal is made, by fire, more pure and valuable. As the impurities are burned away the integrity and quality of the metal is increased. This really is a beautiful image for suffering. As much as I wish to be taken out of the fire, to just have things be comfortable and easy for a little while, it is a beautiful and comforting thought that suffering and trials are burning away the impurities of my heart so that what is left will be stronger and more pure, to the praise of God.

“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” I Peter 1:6-7

4. Suffering produces, in our lives, a picture of the gospel.

A clay jar was, in the ancient world, quite a common vessel, put to use in a variety of everyday contexts. There was nothing very spectacular about a clay jar. The Scripture says my life is a clay jar into which God has poured a precious treasure: the hope of salvation. When my life is going according to that comfortable plan I mentioned it can easily begin to appear (to others and to myself) as if the value is in the vessel. But when the exterior begins to crack, or even shatters completely, it reminds me that I am worthless on my own; it is only the life of Jesus, manifested in me that gives my life true value and meaning. On my own I was a sinner, unable to come to my Holy Maker, but because of the precious blood of Jesus Christ, shed on the cross for MY sins, I can come to God as a pure and spotless daughter.

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.” 2 Corinthians 4:7-10

5. Suffering is a means by which we have the opportunity to draw others to God.

The ultimate suffering, of course, was endured by Jesus as he took on every sin of every sinner who ever lived in the whole world and paid the price for that which He did not do. In this suffering He made it possible for you and I to be forgiven by God and for that relationship between Creator and creation to be made right. As I face difficulties I have the choice to follow the example of Jesus by walking the hard road of trusting God in the midst of the pain. By this I may have an opportunity to encourage someone else to turn to my loving God to walk with them through their own suffering.

“For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.” I Peter 2:21-24

6. Suffering provides us with unique opportunities to develop godly character.

"He found him [Jacob, Israel] in a desert land, and in the howling waste of the wilderness; he encircled him, he cared for him, he kept him as the apple of his eye. Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, that flutters over its young, spreading out its wings, catching them, bearing them on its pinions, the LORD alone guided him, no foreign god was with him. He made him ride on the high places of the land, and he ate the produce of the field, and he suckled him with honey out of the rock, and oil out of the flinty rock.” Deuteronomy 32:10-13

There are many references in Scripture to the wilderness. Interestingly, it not only represents a time of hardship and suffering, but many times the desert is also a place of spiritual sanctuary, a place where God cares especially tenderly for his precious children. As I wrestle and struggle under the loving watch-care of my Father I have the opportunity to allow the pain to strengthen my character, much as the physical pain of athletic training builds up muscle. God allows suffering in my life to help me develop the godly character I long to possess.

“…we rejoice in our sufferings , knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:12

7. Suffering brings with it a unique blessing, when we endure the suffering in a godly way.

Sometimes I find myself clinging to the false idea that those who serve God faithfully shouldn’t have to suffer. For example, since we’ve already sacrificed the last 10 years of our life to the completion of seminary so that Seth can serve God in the teaching capacity to which he has been called I find myself believing we should be exempt from further life complications. When I admit to this mindset I realize how laughable it is. Of course faithfulness doesn’t exempt us from further suffering—you can open to nearly any book of the Bible to find ample proof of that! Still, God notices the quantity of our sufferings. He allows some of His children to suffer more than others (and I fully realize that many have suffered far more than we have), but those to whom this hard calling is assigned will also receive a unique blessing. All will eventually be made right by a just God who loves His children.

“For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God.” I Peter 2:19-20

“But even if you suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed.” I Peter 3:14a

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted…. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 5:4, 10

8. Suffering teaches us to live no longer for human passions, but for the will of God.

Somehow in the times when I grasp, even for a few moments, what is truly and eternally important, the “stuff” of life just doesn’t matter that much. It’s not easy to keep in perspective how temporary and fleeting my small life really is, but suffering reminds me to line up my priorities with that which truly matters, sometimes by depriving me of my agenda.

“Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God.” I Peter 4:1-2

9. Suffering causes us to ask God for good gifts, which He wants to give us.

“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” Romans 8:31-32

Because of the nature of our current difficulty, I have had to remind myself that God will provide, in His timing and way, the good things we are asking of Him. I have heard many say that God cares about our holiness far more than He cares about our happiness. I think this is a biblical statement. However, I think I can sometimes take that to mean that God doesn’t care at all about those things that would fall more under the “happiness umbrella.” This is a false belief about the nature of God’s love for me. As a parent I don’t always make decisions based on what will make my children happiest—if I did they would do nothing but watch movies all day long and their diet would consist of about 4 foods, which they would consume in large quantities for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. BUT, that doesn’t mean I don’t love to make them happy. If I have to choose something hard because it is best for them, I will do it, but if I can give them something pleasant without harming them body or soul, I will do it because I love them.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you, then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:7-11

10. Suffering is worth the privilege of knowing Christ Jesus, our Lord.

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.” I Peter 4:12-14

These 10 reasons help to answer my difficult question: “Why does God allow Christians to endure so much suffering?” As I finished reading in the pages of I Peter however, I was challenged to respond, not by endlessly searching to answer my why? questions, but by faithfully trusting my loving Father and continuing to obey Him daily.

“Therefore, let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.” I Peter 4:19

Finally, I was encouraged to remember the result of submitting to God’s perfect plan for my life, even when it hurts:

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” I Peter 5:6-10

Foundations for Biblical Counseling

This post is a bit out of the ordinary for me. Nevertheless, I was so struck by the profound implications of a recent study of a passage of Scripture I decided I needed to share publicly what I found there. I hope it will be an encouragement to you, dear friends, as it was to me. 

I have been digging back into some of my biblical counseling (my college major) textbooks lately and remembering with great awe how completely God has provided in His Word everything we need for life and godliness. In preparation for a meeting I had with a friend from church recently, I was searching for a way to encapsulate the foundations for Biblical Counseling using an encouraging passage of Scripture--the idea of God Himself giving us hope that He can change us. I was personally encouraged that God has given us just such a hope in Romans 8:1-17. You may want to continue reading with an open Bible as I have not quoted the text here.

This passage contains some powerfully encouraging facts (for the Christian):

• I am no longer under God’s condemnation for my sin. (v 1)
• I am set free from “the law of sin and death.” (v 2) This means I don’t have to do these things anymore. Sin has no power over me! 

  “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm, therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 6:1 (emphasis mine) 

• The Law condemns me since the Law is a perfect standard and is therefore unattainable. With it alone, because of my sin, I could not reach God. I was hopeless. (v 3)  But!, I am no longer dominated by sin. My nature has changed.  When I became a Christian I began to walk by the Spirit, bearing the very seal of God. (v 4) 

  "And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee." 2 Corinthians 1:21-22 (emphasis mine)

  
  

  "But God's firm foundation stands, bearing this seal: 'The Lord knows those who are his,' and 'Let everyone who names the name of the Lord depart from iniquity.'" 2 Timothy 2:19 (emphasis mine)

• My mind is set (by God) on the Spirit. (v 6) This is not a matter of mustering up the goodness to keep my mind there by sheer willpower. It is set there by God as a fact of my salvation. (see v 5)
• I have life and peace with God through the Spirit. Notice Paul doesn’t say “to set the mind on the Spirit leads to life and peace” it says “to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” It's already done. No condemnation (see v 1).
• Because I am “in the Spirit” I am not in the state described in verses 7-8 (hostile to God, does not submit, can not submit, can not please God.) (v 9)
• My body is dead because of (my) sin, but the Spirit in me is life because of (Christ’s, not my) righteousness. (v 10)
• God gives me life through the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead. Not just eternal life, but life in my "mortal body." I am reconciled to God so that I can live on this earth the way He intended for me to live. Jesus said, 

  "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10 (emphasis mine)

Only after I remember these remarkable facts about my salvation am I urged to change the way I live. In his commentary on Romans, John MacArthur points out, "All biblical exhortations to believers are based on the blessings and promises they already have from the Lord. Without the provisions we have from Him, we would be unable to fulfill the commands we receive from him."

Based on the facts above I am strongly urged to respond:

• by no longer acting as if I have an obligation to live according to the sin that seems, some days, to permeate every pore of my being. (v 12)
• by recognizing that living according to my sin makes me miserable and separates me from God. But even as I resolve to "put off" my perceived obligation to sin I must "put on" a conviction of the truth that by the Spirit I can put to death the deeds of the body and LIVE! (v 13) 

  "...put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and...be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and...put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:22-24

• by not falling back into slavery and fear, but instead choosing to dwell securely in the love of my new adoptive Father. (v 15)
• by recognizing the hope I have: hope for now, that I can conquer sin in my life and live in freedom, and hope for eternity, that I will one day, at last, be glorified with Christ.

I was so encouraged in reading and studying these verses! They give me hope and courage, strength and understanding of my position. They tell me that change is possible, freedom is possible, righteousness and godly living are possible for me to attain. What an encouraging thought! I hope you are also encouraged in that thought today.