The Missional Impact of Motherhood

This afternoon I was reminded of a Truth that I have not considered well in a long time:

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. (Titus 2:3-5)

Perhaps it struck me so forcefully because in the last two years we have made major adjustments in our life in order to live missionally - that is, to be intentional with our lives for the sake of the Gospel of God's lavish grace. As a family, and individually, we regularly consider how we can best position ourselves to show the true nature of God's love to those around us. I often wonder how I can be effective in this task when my days are so full of laundry, dishes, homeschooling, changing diapers, disciplining, and picking up, yet here in this familiar snippet of Scripture is one hugely obvious avenue of gospel influence within my realm! The way I live my life - my love for my husband and children, my work in my home, my character, my actions - can cause others to see the beauty in the Word of God or give them ammunition to discredit it openly or perhaps just disregard it's power.

To be perfectly honest I have gotten lost in the busy days, the messy rooms, the discipline, the many many many many words, the irritations... and have largely forgotten the sacred purpose to the tasks God has given me. I want to better celebrate the unique influence God has given me for His kingdom by embracing my roles, no matter how mundane and menial they may seem at times.

Toward this end I am planning to start a project I have had on my mind over the past few weeks and post my progress on the blog. I am seriously behind on keeping up with our family photographs. Seth suggested that I tackle one month's worth of pictures per week, putting them in a folder and choosing favorites for a book. When I finish one year's worth I can make a digital scrapbook on a photo site for that year. While I'm at it I will post my favorite blasts from the past on the blog. Sounds like a plan to me! And in the process I hope to remember that these are sacred moments. As a friend frequently reminds me via her facebook posts, "The days are long but the years are short."

This I Know

It has been a ridiculously long time since I have written anything here and who knows if anyone visits this dusty ol' corner of the internet anymore. But it seemed an appropriate place to process out some thoughts about a significant experience our family had this year on Christmas afternoon.

After a relaxing day of opening presents and spending time as a family, we piled into the van to go to a friend's house for Christmas dinner. We all marveled at how the snowfall from the night before had given us the quintessential White Christmas we all dream and sing about. We were almost to our destination when disaster struck in the form of a patch of slush on a freeway on-ramp. We lost traction and ultimately spun 180 degrees, slamming into the concrete barrier, and coming to a stop on the shoulder. The engine was sputtering so Seth turned the car off and started to make phone calls. Meanwhile, I got into the backseat to check on the kids. Everyone was shaken up, but unharmed. After I was satisfied that the kids were not hurt, I tried to get back to my seat, but I was unable to open the sliding door from the inside. I squatted down in the space between the seat and the door and prayed that other drivers would slow down. Unfortunately, the slushy patch continued to present a hazard and two other cars lost control, hitting each other further up the ramp. Then a fourth car hit the same patch and came sliding straight for us. We had hardly any time to react before it slammed into the front of our car. The kids were terrified, but mostly unhurt (Channah did have a tiny gash on her chin). Seth was badly bruised on his forearm and had some other bumps and bruises, but my head struck the plastic handle of Judah's infant carrier and I sustained a pretty nasty laceration to my forehead. Shortly after the second impact a friend arrived to transport the kids to safety. I got to visit the ER where they called in a plastic surgeon to stitch up my head, but thankfully determined that I was otherwise in tact. About 4 hours after the accident we were reunited with the kids in the safety of our friends' home. Needless to say it was a Christmas we will never forget.

I share this story in part for the value of written memory, one that will now be part of our family story. But what compels me to write is to record part of a much bigger story, the unfolding of which has been powerful to the point of utterly overwhelming me. From the very beginning of this journey - as early as the moments I lay alone in the ER - I knew God had protected us. Images of what could have been came unbidden to my mind. I knew that I could have easily lost my husband or my life if circumstances had been only slightly different. Later I realized God's hand of protection once again as I learned that Benj & Leila had also taken their seat belts off after the first crash. I knew that God was good. But that He was about to take this horrific circumstance and use it for great good, many times over, did not enter my mind.

Our church has recently been studying the biblical picture of the church as a body. We have been learning that we need each other and can not expect to function without the support of those God has placed together in the family we call Hope Church. We have been privileged to have a front row seat from which to witness the body of Christ functioning as a unit. Seth and I, as individual parts of the body, were not capable of functioning on our own through many aspects of these past couple of weeks. We found ourselves time and time again in places of need, large and small, and our church family responded with the true love Jesus says His followers have for each other:

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth." (I John 3:16-18) 

We have been loved well! Not just with words, but with actions. Dear friends risked their safety on the dangerous roads that night to bring us to safety and to be with us in the hospital. Dinner plans, skype calls, transportation plans, and sleeping arrangements were interrupted and rearranged. It was decided (mostly for the sake of our frightened children) that we would spend the night where we were. Our friends sacrificially gave up their own bed for us and slept on couches so that we could rest well that night. Words of concern and compassion poured in, prayers were lifted up. And this love continued far beyond these first expressions. The next few days were a jumble of painful details, emotions, and physical repercussions. Our Hope Church family responded immediately, generously, and practically providing meals for several nights and impromptu babysitting on several occasions.

Knowing our only car was totalled, we began to discuss how we would go about replacing it. We were forced to face the fact that while 6 months or a year ago we could have paid cash for a used vehicle in an emergency situation, we could no longer do so. We have been hit hard financially over the past year with many different unexpected expenses that have been completely out of our control. As we discussed our financial situation all the tears that I had not yet cried came pouring out. For me, this was the lowest point emotionally.

A couple of days later we received a large gift from some very dear friends from a former church we attended. We were humbled and so blessed by their generosity. It was a much-needed boost of encouragement. A couple of days after that, we came home after looking at the fifth van in three days. We were a little discouraged because we wanted to buy it but not having money in hand and unable to secure the loan we were applying for that day, we lost it to another buyer. There was a little envelope in the mail from some other friends. Inside were not only experienced and wise words of comfort and encouragement, but also another large gift. The very distinct thought came into my heart that this was God's way of saying to me, "See? I'm taking care of you." I shared these incredible blessings with a close friend of mine and she commented, "When the circulation is cut off to the hands and feet the heart and lungs work harder." Again, the beauty of the imagery of a body caring for its individual parts for the well-being of the whole hit me with its power. Just as the EMT at the scene of the accident had taken steps to stem the flow of blood from my head, our brothers and sisters in Christ were working sacrificially and tirelessly to stop the bleeding in a metaphorical sense. The next morning we were further blessed by our church family as they gave generously to help us with our financial needs. Again, we were humbled, encouraged, joyful and grateful for how abundantly God was providing.

A little over a week after the accident we purchased a used van in good condition. Not wanting to keep the expensive rental car through the entire settlement process, we took out a somewhat modest loan to pay for the car and were soon sitting in our new car. Shortly after everything was finalized, we received a call from a family member. In the course of that conversation we again experienced amazing provision as we learned that we were going to receive a third large gift. 30 minutes after we took out a loan we did not want we had the means to pay off a large portion of it. A few days later Seth received a check from our church for the amount of the offering that had been received on Sunday. We were overwhelmed by the generosity and sacrifice of our precious church family. With that gift God had provided for us the exact amount we needed to pay off the car - with $10 to spare!

In my mind everything had now come full circle. But God wasn't done yet. The next day Seth came home from work and told me he had talked to the total-loss adjuster from the insurance company that day. In all the details, I had completely forgotten about the insurance settlement for the car! It had been an older van that had a few issues. We weren't expecting a huge settlement, but still, in that moment I thought it would be awesome if it was a few hundred dollars to help us pay for the rental and registration fees for the new van. The amount he handed me on a piece of paper was larger than I was expecting. My eyes overflowed right along with my heart. Later we realized that the settlement would cover not only the rental and registration, but also a couple of repairs we need to make on the new van AND help pay off the small amount remaining on a loan we had to take out because of the huge loss we sustained last year on the sale of our house.

This fall I have wrestled with some discontentment over what God was requiring of us - continuing large-scale financial loss and prolonged living in a cramped apartment. I have been learning to discipline myself to act on my belief that God is love and His will is always best. When we had the accident I remember thinking, "I guess this is why God pressed me so hard to surrender our housing situation because now we will be in the apartment for a lot longer." Little did I know that He would use this situation to actually bless us financially! I have learned through this experience that God truly works for our good. It's not just a nice thing to say.

Another significant experience for me was seeing God care for me in ways only He could. There were times when my thoughts and emotions caused me to panic and experience great fear. In many of those moments I prayed for peace and He gave it to me. For many days I experienced battles with intense emotional lows. I asked Him to restore my joy and He did. I leaned on God and found Him to be my rock.

The last huge spiritual lesson for me, so far, has been the most amazing of all. I mentioned a close friend with whom I was sharing this journey in pretty specific detail. I texted her when we received the check from the church and she texted back that she had fallen to the floor crying. She had been praying for a specific amount, and God had answered (with $10 to spare). She said the fact that God clearly answered "yes" to a specific prayer gave her hope she had not had in a long time. This was hugely significant because over the past couple of years she has had some incredibly difficult circumstances to deal with. A couple of months ago the past 2 years culminated in a situation that brought even more significant heartache. Since that time I had been particularly impressed with a heart to pray for hope for her. A direct result of our accident is that God has begun to answer that prayer. That He can take a terrible circumstance and turn it around, not only for our good, but for the good of someone I care about deeply is overwhelming to me.

I am so thankful for the things God is teaching me through this difficult season. I understand joy in the pain so much more clearly than I ever have before.

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

I know this to be true - not only because I choose in faith to believe it - but because my heart has experienced it.

A Painful Lesson In Humility

It has been over a week and I still feel sick every time I think about it. But I am also thankful.

It was Saturday morning and the day my girls had been looking forward to for weeks... their first true ballet recital. Costumes, make-up, the whole deal. And Mima was here to see it! They were so excited!

We got up early, bathed the girls and washed their hair. I brushed their ponytails to smooth perfection, twisting and rolling them into fat ballerina buns. I applied a little foundation, powder, and blush to their shining faces. We even topped it off with a little swipe of glitter on their eyelids and a sprinkle in their hair.

We were right on time. Walking out the door at exactly the time we planned. The costumes were in the car as we scheduled in plenty of time to dress when we got there. With a smile I even tucked a last minute tube of lip gloss and bottle of shimmery body spray into my purse. Everything was perfect.

We got to the recital hall just as planned. Seth was going to drop us off and take Benj to go pick up some roses for the ballerinas while they dressed. They would be back in plenty of time to get great seats. I opened the back of the van to retrieve the costumes...and that's when it hit me.

I had forgotten the ballet bag.

The bag that contained their ballet shoes, tights, and extra costume pieces (including, but not limited to the feather trimmed gloves that were Leila's absolute favorite part of her costume.) Yes, that bag. I was horrified.

Suddenly our perfect morning was thrown into chaos. Seth sped away leaving my mom and I with the girls and costumes. The gravity of the situation began to hit me. We live 35 minutes away, at best. There was just an hour until the recital began. Not even enough time for him to get home and back, not to mention to dress the girls. Right there on the sidewalk I burst into tears. "I'm so sorry, girls," I choked out.

Knowing I had to pull it together and be the adult, I decided we would get them dressed so at least they would be as ready as they could be. We dressed and prayed for Daddy to get back as quickly as possible.

We went upstairs to the backstage area where I explained my colossal mistake to the teachers, telling them that there was really no way Seth would be back before the recital started. They assured me that it probably wouldn't start on time and that they would adjust the order of the routines, if necessary, to give as much time as possible to get the needed items. I spent about half an hour with the girls, trying to reassure and encourage them. I put on a smile and told my sad Leila that Daddy was bringing her gloves. Our friends showed up and had an extra pair of tights that fit Leila, which I put on her. I saved seats in the auditorium and then, even though I knew it was way too early, I went to wait out front about 15 minutes before the performance started.

My stomach was in knots. I felt physically sick. How could I let my girls down so badly? How could I be so stupid as to go off and forget nearly everything they needed for their special day? I'll be honest, that bag didn't even cross my mind that morning. What was wrong with me?

In my heart I cried out to the Lord. Over and over I begged Him to somehow save the day. "Please, God. Don't let me let my girls down. Don't let me break their hearts.... Please ease Seth's way.... Please help him to get here in time.... Please.... Please.... Please, God." I was pacing and wringing my hands, a nervous wreck. As I paced and prayed, it hit me.

Only the day before, as we were preparing to go to the dress rehearsal I had been so hard on Talia because we couldn't find her ballet shoes. They weren't in the bag. I had called the rec center where we go to their lessons and they didn't have them either. I lectured her about responsibility and keeping her mind on what she's doing and how sooner or later irresponsibility is going to cost her. "Now you don't have ballet shoes for your recital," I had said with an air of superiority. (We later found that her shoes had gotten into her friend's bag and received them back at the rehearsal.)

Now it came to my heart. No. NOW she didn't have shoes for her recital. And it wasn't her fault, it was mine. I had no grace for her mistake in not keeping track of her shoes when we still had a whole day to find them and now I was begging for God's grace to cover MY mistake in completely forgetting them (and a whole lot more) when it truly mattered. I knew in that moment that I never wanted to forget the pain of that realization: that I expected perfection out of my little girl that I could not even deliver myself. I had no grace for her mistakes, pridefully expecting that somehow I was bigger and better than that.

The truth is no matter how much I plan, no matter how "on top of it" I feel, all my best efforts are not enough. I am not better. I am just the same. I am a mere human being with faults and limitations, with good intentions, but a finite ability to carry them out. The expectation my kids should exhibit the values I have taught them to perfection is ridiculous. And the idea that being a "good mom" equates with perfectly ordered rows of ducks is categorically false. In truth, the better my plans work out -feeding my pride in my own abilities- the worse mom I tend to be. I fight, trying with all my might to keep all the balls in the air, to keep everything under control, to be everything, do everything. And I forget my need.

Quite simply, I need Jesus. I need his strength to accomplish the most important tasks each day. I need his peace to quiet the anxiety in this season of our life that some days threatens to overcome me. I need his Spirit to control me, giving me life-giving words to say, wisdom to teach and correct, love to spill out over my children. I need his grace to cover my gross inadequacies, even when I am too prideful to admit they are there.

And so I prayed that God would never, never let me forget that day, but use it to humble me and remind me to give mercy, grace, and compassion to my children, remembering that we all need those tender gifts.

Around 11:15 Seth pulled around the corner and thrust the bag out of the driver's window into my hands. I ran into the building and up the stairs, searching through the bag as I ran, rummaging for shoes and accessories. I entered the backstage area and literally threw Leila's shoes and accessories at her feet. Another teacher ran up to me asking for Talia's shoes, telling me that her class was in que to go on-stage. The recital had started on-time, at 11:00 and all the classes had already performed except for Talia's and Leila's classes.

I hurried into the auditorium and down the aisle to my seat as Talia's class was filing up the opposite aisle onto the stage. A second later, as the teacher arranged the girls on the dark stage, Benj slid into the seat beside me. Seth had found an open parking space in the closest lot to the recital hall and had come in right behind me. Right on cue he whipped out the video camera as the stage lights went up.

Talia was tights-less, in shoes she borrowed from an earlier dancer. But her face lit up as she saw her Daddy and brother. She danced beautifully.

Next Leila's class filed onto the stage. Leila was leading the line, fully costumed, gloves and all, with a radiant smile. She was clearly tickled pink with the experience of performing and danced with adorable charm.

I am so thankful. I am thankful that God redeemed my mistake, allowing it to be a beautiful memory after all. I am thankful for the sweet spirit of forgiveness and even compassion my precious girls extended to me in my weakness. I am thankful that Seth and Benj (and Channah) were safe during their hurried trip. I am thankful that none of us missed even a moment of the performance. I am thankful for the way the teachers extended grace to me and cared so sweetly for my girls. And so much more. But most of all I am thankful for the painful lesson in humility that reminded me that the measure of a mom is not a standard of perfection, but rather a rule of love, compassion, and grace. Lord Jesus, help me never forget!

My sweet ballerinas, post-recital

I found a blessing!

I haven't been blogging much lately. There's a reason for that. (Well, I mean besides being too busy.) I haven't felt like I have anything constructive to post. And by that I mean that life has looked pretty bleak from where I sit these days, which is in the rocking chair, on the couch, at the kitchen table holding and rocking and patting and shushing my precious but very fussy baby girl.

I'm not gonna lie to you, these past 6 weeks have mostly been incredibly difficult. Most of that period Channah has cried 50-75% of her awake time and often part of her should-be naptimes as well. (We had a brief interlude somewhere in the middle where she was much less fussy, but the past 2 weeks have been worse again.) We think her crying is mostly due to tummy discomfort--gas pain and acid reflux--and have been treating her with medication, which has helped some, but has not revolutionized our life like we hoped it would. So, unfortunately this has not been the blissful newborn experience we were all hoping for.

But(!) today I had a thought! It was the glimmer of sunshine I prayed for this morning when I prayed for the strength to be a good mommy today, even though I was dog tired and even more discouraged. All this time I'm spending rocking and soothing my fussy girl allows me to slow down and not miss the little things. I know, for example, that today she tried to blow a raspberry. As her little tongue was stuck out she gave a faint blow and then immediately broke into the most adorable smile. She knew that she was onto something! What a sweet little moment. Just the memory brings little tears to the corners of my eyes. And I already know her little personality so intimately. I spend a couple of hours, at least, every day locked in eye contact with her, exchanging smiles and coos or soothing her with soft words and safe arms. I know the different pitches and meanings of her cries (sometimes). I know what makes her smile. As a mama of four these are the little things I could easily miss.

What amazes me is that this matches right up with my theme for this year: "The Little Things: Treasuring God's Blessings." I chose this theme in January (even though this is the first I've blogged about it). It seemed appropriate for a year in which I would have the sweetness of a newborn baby to treasure up in my heart. I must admit I pictured blessings of a more...um...happy nature.

But God knows. He knows that I tend to fill my time up with projects and activity, always tweeking and fixing, and letting the little things go by unnoticed. He knows that I want to do less and be more but I don't naturally know how to fulfill that desire. He knows that on my own I would get to the end of the year and sadly look back, realizing that moment by moment, day by day I forgot to notice The Little Things. So He gave me a fussy baby who forces me to lay aside my daily agenda, pause (sometimes for days at a time), and take the time to enter into moments in the life of my children. I still have a long way to go in learning to truly treasure the blessings of my new daily routine, but by God's grace I am daily intimately acquaintanted with The Little Things.

Smiling Girl, 8 weeks old

A Purposeful Summer

It took about one week of being on our own after all the grandparents left to motivate me to find something constructive for these children to do all summer. They definitely need some direction. *I* definitely need some direction!

So, I know I'm starting a little late, but I got on Pinterest and my search engine yesterday and dug up some ideas to give our summer some purpose. I thought I might not be the only one who didn't have a plan, so I thought I'd share my idea list. If you are in our area I included some helpful links too.

Goal Setting

To start out, we plan to have each kid set a goal. I read about families who set goals in 3-4 different areas or who set multiple goals per child, but that seemed overwhelming to us so we thought one goal per child would be doable. Since this is our first time doing this I thought the kids might have a hard time with a "blank slate" so I thought of some examples of goals they might want to adopt.

• Academic - Read x books or read x minutes per day, write and illustrate a story
• Personal - Learn to tie shoes
• Physical - Learn to cross monkey bars, learn to swing by myself, learn to ride a bike, learn to throw a frisbee
• Spiritual - I don't have any examples, but I thought this was a good category for another year

I also set my own goals for the kids to give me an idea of what type of loose structure I would like to have. Here are my goals for the kids:

• Re-train them to do their independent responsibilities every day (we've gotten off track)
• Read everyday (join reading programs)
• Play outside everyday
• Start doing some chores for pay
• Do 10-15 min. summer school everyday (to keep up math & handwriting skills)
• Do something special for someone else everyday (to help with "me" focus)
• One outing per week
• Each child work on one character trait that needs improvement (occassional Bible Study time with Mommy, memorize verses, accountability, etc.)

For the sake of example, and because I need some new motivation and accountablity for myself I set a few personal goals too:

• Try not to be on the computer unless the kids are resting or in bed
• Say “yes” more
• Discipline more, yell less
• Work on self-control with my words when I'm frustrated

Summer Reading Programs

One thing I remember doing in the summer when I was a kid was choosing new books to read. I remember participating in the summer reading program at the library. I remember my mom taking me to the bookstore in the mall to pick out a new classic to take on a trip. I remember spending summers in high school devouring my summer book list for my AP English classes. Our kids love to read and they are good readers, but I figured a little motivation couldn't hurt. I searched for "summer reading programs" online and found lots of great options! The kids are excited that they can win prizes for something they do anyway.

• Local Library
• Barnes & Noble
• Scholastic
• Pottery Barn Kids
• Half Price Books

Fun at Home

Sometimes all we need to make a normal day into a memorable summer day is a good idea. Here are some fun ones I found around on various lists and posts or came up with on my own:

• Outside Play
• Water play (sponge bombs, pool, wagon, sprinkler toy, hose Homemade slip n’ slide
• Sidewalk paint/chalk
• Bubbles
• Build a fort
• Wash the car
• Board Games
• Camping (esp. backyard &/or basement)
• Watch the Olympics (July 27-Aug 12, 2012)
• Read chapter books outloud
• Catch fireflies
• Ice Cream for Dinner
• Fondue Night
• Grilling/Eating Outside

Outings

I need a little motivation to get out of the house most days. These ideas motivated me; how about you?

• Farms/Farmers Markets             
• Free/Cheap Summer Movies    
• Swimming
• Library
• Play Dates/Play Group
• Parks (playgrounds & splash pads)
• Feed ducks
• Yard Sales
• Picnics
• Hiking
• Free classes at Lowe’s (ages 5+) – every other Saturday, 10:00, 1 hr.
• Free classes at Home Depot (ages 5+) – 1^st Saturday of the month, 9:00
• Free classes at Michael’s (usually ages 3+)           
• Bass Pro Shops’ Family Summer Camp, June 9 – July 15 Tu, Th, Sa, Su 1pm-5pm (Free photos, crafts, activities, workshops)

Projects

I remember learning to type as a summer project one year. Seth, his brother, and his dad worked on models in the summer. This inspired me to think about some summer projects we might undertake. Here are a few ideas:

• Memorize a Bible passage as a family
• Do a hard puzzle as a family
• Do a simple sewing project
• Learn a new hobby

How about you? What do you have planned for the summer?

P.S. I apologize for the (as Talia would call it) "wiggy waggy" formatting. For some reason I can't figure out how to fix it.

A New Season for Couponing

Not so very long ago I was full to the brim with couponing energy. I had a great system that was working well for me and was saving tons. Our grocery budget for our family of 5 was about $250 per month and things were ticking along like clockwork.

Then two little pink lines on a little stick from the Dollar Tree changed all that. Don't get me wrong, they weren't unwelcome lines. They were actually lines we were hoping to see, but these lines were very distruptive to my serene little clockwork routine. Even when morning sickness was finally over (if you are still lost on the "lines", yes, I'm talking about baby #4 on the way) there were projects to complete, preparations to be made, and transitions to be initiated. My coupon-devoted Sunday afternoons were a thing of the past.

So what to do. I don't like spending money I know I could be NOT spending, but I was having trouble finding a new couponing routine. One afternoon I sat down and wrote to my coupon mentor (I don't even know her, but she's taught me tons), Crystal, author of my favorite coupon blog (moneysavingmom.com.) My basic question to her was: how do you effectively use coupons without it taking over your life? Today I found out from a friend that my question (and Crystal's answer) had actually been posted on MoneySavingMom! If you have the same question (or are just curious about how mine was answered), take a look.

I share this for two reasons:

1. Friends have often shared that they wish they could coupon, but they just don't have time. If this is you, maybe the tips and ideas shared both in the original post and in the reader comments will give you some fresh ideas. I definitely got some fresh inspiration!

2. In the interest of keeping it real! While it's much more enjoyable to write about successes and the clockwork seasons, reality is, folks, that life is kinda rough around the edges right now. It's not pretty, but it's true. You may remember I hate the supermom myth (and I hate it some more here), so here it is, folks: I can't keep up with everything right now! In so confessing I found some inspiration to regroup, restructure, and keep right on doing the best I can.

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 4b

Last Friday I shared this lesson: Don't measure yourself by someone else's standard, the results will not be accurate! Just as Benjamin and Talia will obtain different results when they measure the same rug using their own (different sized) feet, we will gain a skewed perspective when we measure our success by the achievements of others.

As I understood that "I can't expect my life to look like someone else's because we don't have the same life", I began to realize I should measure myself by a unique standard because of the following four (at least) factors:

• Different priorities. Here's the thing: all those women I envied didn't care about the exact same things I care about. There are facets of life and parenting that are important to me which may be only marginally, or not at all, important to others. Likewise, a season of life may lend a greater sense of urgency to certain endeavors. Choices about child discipline, finances, lifestyle, goals, health, and reaching out to others (and how these all come into balance with one another) are just a few of the factors that will cause even families who share the same basic core beliefs to operate quite differently from one another.
  
  In the trenches we had a few simple priorities: to continue to honor and serve God, to keep our marriage strong, to raise our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, and to finish the degree! (OK, there might have been a few more things sprinkled in there, but you get the idea.) I've talked before about my part in the dissertation writing process, mainly to take care of many of life's details so Seth could focus on writing. In light of this, one of my most basic priorities while we were in survival mode was to keep things simple. If I got too elaborate in my daily routine or too ambitious in my project list I inevitably ended up stressed out and burned out. Grouchy too. I had to learn to let go of my lovely idealistic picture of what it meant to be a good mom and instead to embrace our family's priorities and the activities that went with them.

• Different circumstances. Although we moms tend to group ourselves by various factors (I place myself in groups like this: moms of multiple children, moms of toddlers/preschoolers, homeschoolers, stay-at-home moms), our circumstances often vary widely. Number of children, season of life, health challenges ... many factors make up the specific set of circumstances in which each of us parent.

As Seth and I strove to work as a team to complete his doctoral program I gradually came to realize that I was not superwoman! And while we’re on the subject, let me just blow that one wide open: the superwoman image is a myth! None of us can do it all, but for some reason we keep feeling like we need to pretend that we can. Sometimes we do this by maintaining a front (always having the right answer, never sharing our struggles, even blog posts can contribute to this "I have it all together" lie if we're not careful). Sometimes we just hold ourselves to impossibly perfectionistic standards. This is nothing more than pride! During dissertation days there were some things that were just beyond the scope of my abilities at that time, and that was perfectly OK. It was (and is) ridiculous for me to waste one ounce of emotion feeling guilty for being human.

• Different personalities (and different parenting styles). We all know that personalities are as varied and unique as the billions of individuals who make up the population of the world. I have come to the conclusion that the same is true of our “mommy personalities” (parenting styles). I have never met even one other mom who handles every single situation the same way that I do. And since that is true it only makes sense that there is really no such thing as one standard by which I can measure my effectiveness as a mom.

In the early days, while I was still trying to keep up with Mrs. Jones, to modify the cliché, it eventually became clear to me that my son's behavior was suffering for my wandering. Benjamin was a very, VERY stubborn infant & toddler. He didn’t exactly catch on quickly when it came to learning acceptable (and unacceptable) behaviors and often required much more discipline than other children his age to acquire these skills. Consequently it was important to me to be VERY consistent with him in the beginning. Allowing even one loophole could cause him to persist in searching for another for weeks! I eventually found that in order to accomplish my goals for Benjamin I just couldn’t take the luxury of being “out and about” quite as much as other moms. It was important to me to be home where I could quickly and firmly administer effective discipline, as opposed to being at a playgroup or out shopping where I was more distracted and less free to deal promptly with situations that might arise.

• Different children. Both nature and nurture contribute to the wonderfully individual little people we have the privilege to raise. Each child comes with an ever-developing, unique combination of personality, physical ability, academic capacity, health factors, and spiritual understanding, to name a few of the many angles at which we must understand and guide our children. It therefore stands to reason that a one-size-fits-all "world's best mom" t-shirt isn't going to fit very many of us.

Some of you may have heard me mention before that my children hate crafts! Things have gotten a little better since we began homeschooling and they have learned that organized activity can be fun, but the majority of the time they balk at the idea of sitting down at the kitchen table to engage in some little activity I have cooked up for them. It used to make me mad. "What is wrong with these children??," I would say to myself after some attempt at fun dissolved into yet another round of complaining. I have no idea why some kids love to create and mine don't, but I've since decided not to stress out about it. Their minds are active and constantly learning: they spend hours in imaginary play!, they love music!, they tell me stories!, they love to read! Ultimately, does it really matter if we do themed crafts for every holiday or have boxes of artwork to tuck away for posterity? There are some ideals I just have to let go for the sake of loving my children for who they are.

When we consider our unique priorities, circumstances, personalities, and children it might be easy to come to the conclusion that these are the factors which should shape the unique standard by which we measure ourselves. The only problem, of course, is that although we think we know what is best for our lives, even our own intuition and best guesses are often flawed.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...." Proverbs 3:5 (emphasis added)

"All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the LORD weighs the heart." Proverbs 21:2 (emphasis added)

The unique standard by which we should measure ourselves, then, does not begin with our own knowledge, but is rooted, first and foremost in God's standard. And look what happens when we accept this:

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Trying to do it on my own, trying to be or do something for which God did not create me, trying to operate by a faulty standard, is a burden! Jesus says we must do three things to shed that burden. We must 1) realize our own efforts aren't making it ("come to me"), 2) submit to Him ("take my yoke upon you"), and 3) set our minds on his truth ("learn from me"). As we do that He will give us a different kind of a burden, a burden that isn't heavy because it's the one He created us to carry!

When I submit to God's plan for my life and quit carrying around the burden of that false standard, whatever it may be, I am free to see that my life, measured by His standard, is found completely worthy because of Christ's blood shed to cover my sin. In this I can truly find rest. Praise God!

Other posts in this series:

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 1
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 2
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 3
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 4a

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 3

If you are just joining us, here are the first two posts in this series:
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 1
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 2

3. Embrace your "Normal," whatever that may be.

Last spring I joined a Bible Study lead by my pastor's wife. God has since called them to another ministry, but I am so thankful that God used Ms. Lynette to speak truth into my life during the final months of the dissertation. Lesson #3 is one I learned from her.

I can hear Ms. Lynette's voice, quite clearly in my mind, "We've got to learn to live in our 'New Normal,' whatever that is! Sometimes we've just got to be big girls, quit whinin', and just do it!" (That, by the way, is a loose quotation. :) )


I confess, this was often precisely what I needed to hear. By the end of our PhD process I often did not feel like continuing to do the right thing, and even more often I struggled to think and believe the right thing. Too often I was "whinin'" in my heart, if not outloud. Of course, it wasn't a "New Normal" I was struggling with, but the old "Normal," which, in my mind was getting...well, old.

Looking back I can see a marked difference between the times I made wise choices despite my feelings (aka: embracing my "Normal") and the times I acted out of emotion (aka: discontentment with my "Normal"). Choosing to wash dishes, do laundry, make beds, bathe children, cook, and clean up messes, despite exhaustion and the overwhelming temptation to sit at my computer in my pajamas all day, often lifted my spirits and renewed my energy. Giving into the temptation to neglect my responsibilities, however, lead to despondency, further exhaustion, and a greater struggle with sins such as anger, impatience, and selfishness.

Not surprisingly, this observation mirrors a biblical principle:

"Each one should test their own actions...for each one should carry their own load.... Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:4-9

God tells us we should test ourselves to see if our actions measure up to the responsibilities He has given us. Our actions are the seeds we sow. If we act to please ourselves God plainly tells us we will reap destruction. Applications of this include spiritual consequences (such as defeat in struggles with sin, a sense of separation from God), emotional consequences (such as depression, fear, guilt, shame, anxiety, anger), practical consequences (such as problems in relationships, losses, fruitless efforts), and even physical consequences (such as sleeplessness, lack of energy, stomach issues). If, however, we act to please the Spirit, we will reap the freedom of living life as God intended.

God gives each of us different sets of circumstances for different seasons of our lives. We aren't always going to feel happy or fulfilled in what He has called us to for any given season. But, as Ms. Lynette so clearly impressed on me, embracing "Normal" means we have to keep doing the right thing, even when we don't feel like it, trusting that the emotion will eventually follow.

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 2

For the first post in this "Lessons Learned in the Trenches" series, click here.

2. There's Always Something....

"Things will get better once we ________."
"I'll do (think about, start, get around to) ________ when things calm down."
"I know I need to ________, but things are just so crazy right now!"

These phrases, and other mantras like them were common in my thinking during the long battle. We would often laugh about what on earth we would do with ourselves when, for the first time in our ten years of marriage, Seth didn't constantly have schoolwork hanging over his head. We pictured ourselves sitting on the couch in the evenings, flipping channels or reading for pleasure.

I certainly won't say that we have not had any increase in our leisure time, nor will I maintain that our stress level and pace of life is entirely unchanged. But, as I recently heard someone say in regards to an I'll-consider-it-when-things-calm-down attitude, "When have you ever had a calm week in your life?!" I think most of us tend to believe that our stressful circumstances are temporary and that a less hectic future is in store for us if we can just make it around the next corner. Unfortunately, there's always something.

Our life is definitely more balanced now than it was while Seth was writing. There were periods during which we barely saw him and hardly ever ate a meal together as a whole family. There were exhausting weeks of doing nearly all the childcare, dish washing, cooking, cleaning (what little got done in those days), bathing, and discipline alone. So some of the "extra time" we expected to have once school was done was absorbed into those aspects of family life that had suffered some imbalance. But I also found that in the absence of one Pressure, others were quick to arise and vie to take its place.

In the beginning I promised this series would be encouraging. Thus far it seems I have painted a rather bleak picture with my second lesson. Is there hope in this reality? Yes! I have learned that while there's always something, that stress and burn-out are not the inevitable results, neither must this truth always further a hectic lifestyle. Rather, the following principles have come to guide my thinking about this second lesson:

• The Christian life is a "race that is set before us." Paul encourages us to "lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and ... run with endurance ... looking to Jesus." (see Hebrews 12:1-2) 

  This passage tells us how we should run ("with endurance"), what allows us to keep running ("looking to Jesus"), and also WHY we are running: the "race" is "set before us" by God! In this sense life is supposed to be an endurance race. If we are obeying God we will be running--long and hard. But if we run in the strength of Jesus the race will not overwhelm us. To use another biblical metaphor, the result of submission to the yoke of Christ (obedience to His plan for our lives--our "race") is a "burden" that is easy and light, because it is the one He created us to carry!

• Serving God and fulfilling His purpose for my life is not "over there" but here.

  It is so easy to get in my mind that when I get to that place I will really be able to start doing what God wants me to do with my life. The thing is, the destination is always changing. When I get to college ... when I get married ... when we start our family ... when we graduate from seminary ... when Seth gets a teaching job.... Turns out the old cliche really is great advice: bloom where you're planted. This is both a lesson of (1) contentment and (2) action: (1) quit waiting for this or that to happen in order to gain happiness (in this context: quit waiting for this busy season to pass) and (2) get busy with the work God has for you to do! No more excuses!

• A full life is a blessing; a busy life is a curse.

The stress and burn-out I mentioned above are some of the negative effects of busyness. Busyness is me trying to do more and be more than that for which God created me: trying to attain perfect standards, fulfill assignments beyond my giftedness, or a hundred other little distractions with which I can fill up my life. Fullness is God working through me each and every day to accomplish His purposes.

I have a cheap, orange plastic paintbrush I keep in a jar in my kitchen. When I see this paintbrush each morning it reminds me to pray what I call my Paintbrush Prayer: "God, paint the picture You want to create on the canvas of my day. And please use me as your paintbrush." It is amazing how full, yet peaceful and energizing my day can be when I simply acknowledge that I am not the master craftsman, only the tool.

• Living a life that lines up with my priorities means saying "no" to good things to embrace what is best.

Once again, the fact that there's always something can lead to major stress and burn-out in our lives. Especially as a mother of three pre-school children I can find myself in this mode pretty quickly when I am not careful to guard my time and monitor my commitment level.

In our dissertation season of life I tried to keep my activities outside our home to a very bare minimum. If I was overcommitted to outside activities and thus less attentive to meal preparation, clutter control in our home, and our children's routines, it was a distraction and source of stress for Seth. After graduation I was able to consider opportunities with more openness. But it has still been necessary for me to carefully consider my involvements.

I have found that if my reality is ever going to match up with my priorities I am going to have to budget time for those important tasks, just as I would budget money for a needed item. When I began to budget out my time and rearrange my schedule according to my priorities I made an interesting observation. I wasn't able to simply cut out all the "bad" things, the wasted time, and paste in the things of value. You see, I wasn't really spending my time on worthless pursuits--it was pretty much all good stuff! But as I tried to look at my time through new lenses, I recognized there were good things that weren't best. There were tasks I had taken on because I felt I "had to;" some of my pursuits were motivated by guilt, fear or obligation, while some were merely old habits. In letting go of some of these good things I made more room to live in light of the important, not merely the urgent.

We are still learning the fine art of balancing life with three children, church ministry, work (in a field unrelated to Seth's career), career development, running our home, friendships, health, finances.... But I have learned that I can't count on our "three ring circus" to leave town anytime soon, so I'm going to have to learn to juggle!

Lessons Learned in the Trenches (of Doctoral Studies)

I started this post series in November. I decided to pull it out and dust it off since it's encouraging stuff I really want to share!

As I wrote a couple of days weeks months ago, I have recently been processing our whole school/Ph.D./dissertation experience at a deeper level. Honestly, I've been thinking to myself, "It's about time!" I have been wanting for some time to write about our experience, desiring to give personal testimony to the faithfulness of our mighty God. But the thoughts just would not flow. I didn't have a single idea for how to take the enormity of our experience over the past 11 years (and more specifically the microcosm of the past 2-3 years) and condense it into a meaningful composition. So I didn't write anything.

This morning it hit me: "Lessons Learned in the Trenches." Yes, that was the angle I had been searching for! God truly has taught me so many (many!) lessons, especially over the past 3 years which have easily been the hardest of my life. For so long the road seemed endlessly hard and the progress (especially in my own sinful heart) depressingly meager, but finally emerging from the shadow and standing here on the other side has allowed me to recognize just how much God has done in my heart. And so, as a testimony to God's amazing faithfulness and love, I would like to begin to share with you some of the lessons I learned in the trenches.

1. God is faithful, good, and loving all the time.

This sounds cliche and churchy, but it is truly the core of what I learned in the darkness. I found my belief in the validity of this statement challenged on more than one occasion as I processed the many, many challenges, setbacks, and disappointments of the final stretches of this hard road. But what I have come to believe, more firmly than ever, is that the human response of "how could God let this happen to me??" exists when we have a wrong view of God. It all comes down to who is on the throne of your heart.

Truthfully, I must admit that during the periods of greatest discouragement I wrestled with thoughts that maybe we were on our own; maybe God didn't care much about our misery.One of my recurring questions was why God would continue to allow setbacks and difficulties that were completely out of Seth's control to prolong suffering for our family. We prayed fervently that God would reward our diligence by orchestrating a timely end to the dissertation. We heard, "no" in answer to that plea several times before God finally gave us the desire of our hearts. More than once I looked at the long, dark tunnel still ahead and felt abandoned by God. One night as I expressed my feelings of abandonment to a friend she reminded me I was in good company--Jesus expressed precisely that anguish when he cried, "My God, why have You forsaken me?"

I don't pretend to know why God allowed Seth's Ph.D. work to drag on for so long, but I do know that for as long as I entertained any hint of the thought that the reasons were grounded in God's lack of concern and love for us I was tortured and miserable. Even as my faith was weak, again and again in the darkness God offered me rays of the light of His Truth. And the Truth was/is, it's not all about me! God's purpose for me is good, but the way that His purpose fleshes out in my life is about his world-wide agenda, not necessarily my moment-by-moment comfort. In tiny increments I began to understand, and finally to fully embrace beyond a doubt, that God is faithful, good and loving, even when I don't understand how that could possibly be true. Feeling abandoned by God is sometimes part of life (let me point again to Jesus), but that even in that pit God is there; the feeling that He is not does not alter this truth. Further, belief in truth I do not understand is a choice. When things are going badly I can choose to entertain lies that tell me God doesn't care about me or I can choose to simply say, I don't understand it, but I'm going to trust Him.

Stay tuned for:
Lesson 2: There's Always Something....

Goals for 2011

I know most people usually post a New Year-related post around, oh, say, the 1st of January. So, I'm a little behind. Meh {shrug}. Oh well. (On a related note, be looking for our Christmas New Years Family Update letter in your email inbox soon.)

Here are a few of my personal goals for 2011. I'm excited about everything God is teaching me already this year!

• God - to adopt prayer as a theme for direction and focus this year ...
• Seth - not sharing, but I have some :)
• Benjamin - to foster independence and eagerness to take on responsibility, to be more consistent about his allergy regimen (meds) and more creative with his food options
• Talia - to help her control her tongue and become more thoughtful of others through careful listening, to provide muscle-strengthening activities and experiences to challenge and strengthen her (she is diagnosed with low muscle tone)
• Leila - to read outloud to her more often, to implement physical therapy strategies consistently (No, she's still not walking; yes, she is 20 months old.), to monitor weight gain and healthy intake, to teach basic first-time obedience (another round of the "terrific two's" coming right up!)
• All Children - to teach them to work and serve others cheerfully through implementation of age-appropriate duties ...
• Taking Care of Myself (physically, mentally) - to run a 5K, to get up earlier than the children consistently, to get 7 hrs. of sleep every night, to read 12 challenging books on subjects such as parenting, educating children, biblical counseling, biblical topics, wisdom/life topics and to take notes/journal as I go ...
• Homemaking - to keep my plan simple enough that I will stick with it, to provide easy, fast, healthful, economic meals for my family that fastidiously accommodate Benj's allergies
• Teaching/Mentoring, Ministry & Relationships - I have several goals in this area, mostly involving specific relationships and ministry opportunities, which I'm not going to share publicly. The main focus of my goals in this area is to focus on my strengths (like one-on-one relationships) and not spend a lot of time and effort in areas where I am simply not gifted (like leading small groups).
• Finances - to continue to shop wisely and hunt for excellent bargains, but to let it occupy a much smaller chunk of my time and attention, to actively work to reduce our budget, not just get great bargains ...

Do you set goals for the New Year? What is your favorite goal for this year?

Opening My Heart to God: A Year of Prayer

This is my theme for this year.

What's a theme, you ask? Oh good. I didn't know either. Not until a few months ago when Mrs. Katherine Magnuson shared the most unusual message with the ladies of the Wednesday morning mom's group at our church: "Choosing a Theme for Direction and Focus."

What is a Theme?
The basic premise goes something like this: a theme provides a focus for one calendar year, giving direction and promoting intentionality in your life which otherwise might be missed. The key tool you use in this endeavor is a journal.

When I think of a journal I think of a little notebook with a beautiful cover in which you write eloquently about your deepest thoughts and grandest experiences. I don't keep a journal of that type as it tends to induce a ridiculous amount of guilt in me when I can't keep consistent records. When Benjamin was a tiny baby I tried in vain to keep meticulous day-by-day records of the caliber I found in the journal my mother gave me which recorded nearly every day of the first year of my life. At some point I realized that I didn't even enjoy the sweet little moments anymore because I felt so guilty that I wasn't writing them all down, at which point I released myself from that unrealistic self-imposed obligation and started this blog. Well, that's not the kind of journal I'm talking about. A theme journal has no rules.

My theme journal will be kind of like my scrapbook for 2011. (Except scrapbooks, in the usual fancy sense of the word, also make me break out in great, big, guilt-induced hives and that's not the kind of scrapbook I'm talking about either.) I will carry my journal with me nearly everywhere I go (no worries if I forget it though, since there aren't any rules!) and simply take notes. I will record thoughts that might come to me as we're sitting at the allergist. I will take notes on conversations, or sermons, or ladies events, or whatever seems note-worthy to me as I go about my weeks. I will write down Scriptures or words to songs that speak to me. I will write down funny things my kids say. I might stick my name tag from a meaningful event to one page or the program from a concert to another. I will write down lists of prayer requests, or places we've visited, or books I've read. And I'm not going to care so much about how it looks, just that it's there. In so doing I am saying, "I care about my experiences" and "I want to be intentional with my life."

A Year of Prayer
So, now that we're on the same page, let me tell you about my theme. Since the day Mrs. Magnuson spoke to us about the value of having a personal theme for your year I knew that I wanted to do this and it quickly followed that my theme would be prayer. I have had the sense that this is the next big area of growth in my spiritual journey for several months now; a theme seemed to be the perfect vehicle for this growth. So I knew I wanted to focus on prayer, but I still wanted to find some kind of a catchy title that really expressed what I was trying to accomplish. I googled every form of "quotations on prayer" I could think of, but still hadn't really found anything that hit me. As I was talking with Seth one evening, telling him what I was trying to accomplish, he suggested, "What about 'Opening My Heart to God'?" Yes! That's exactly what I want to accomplish! I want to learn to simply tell God about everything that is on my heart and thus grow deeper in my relationship with Him, just as I would a dearest friend. As I came back to this thought several days later it seemed, even better, to fit and I decided 2011 will be "Opening My Heart to God: A Year of Prayer."

One question I had as I began was: if I take notes on just, well, life ... everything ... how will my journal reflect my theme? Won't it just be a hodge-podge of random topics and thoughts? You would be amazed at how many insights I have gained, already!, from seemingly unrelated topics. In fact, it has really helped draw my attention to details I may have missed because of how they relate to prayer. In other words, it's working! It really is providing direction and focus to my experiences. I have found that instead of a hodge-podge, it's really all a strange and beautiful expression of the same music, weaving harmonies and counter-melodies in and around one theme to create a rich concerto.

What about you?
I bet you want a theme now. Guess what? You can get one. I know it's January 18th, but there are no rules so don't let that bother you. Here are some suggestions on how to find a theme:

• You don't have to find it right away
• Carry your journal with you (a big, blank sketchbook or similar, you can get them at Barnes and Noble for about $10). Take notes on your experiences and a theme will emerge.
• Ask yourself: what are my passions? what has God put on my heart? where do I need growth?
• Celebrate something (like a 10-year anniversary or a long-awaited graduation) all year long.
• Explore or discover something new. (What have you always wanted to learn more about?)
• Connect it to Scripture. Either take it out of Scripture or connect it back to, but use it to know God deeper in some way.

Here's to living intentionally!




P.S. If you decide to do it, please come back and leave a comment. I would love to hear what you come up with!

Great Is Thy Faithfulness!

"For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness. For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. This God--his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him." Psalm 18:28-30

This past week my brain unexpectedly started to process through some of the enormity of Seth's graduation in May. Previous reflection on that monumental event has left me with an overwhelming but vague sense of gratitude and relief--hardly interesting material for a blog post. Unsurprisingly, it was music that prompted my unexpected flow of thought.

Last Wednesday evening I was driving home from church, alone in Seth's car while he valiantly manned the minivan full of tired children. Tired of the mediocre music on the radio I fished around in the console for a CD. In the dark I pulled out an unknown disc and slid it into the player. It turned out to be an old rehearsal CD of church choir music.

I remember well the first choir rehearsal of that semester. Our family was in the middle of dissertation season and we had just experienced some difficult setbacks. As we sang through our new repertoire that evening it seemed to me that nearly every song was chosen especially for me. God ministered to my weary and battered soul that night, reminding me that He was faithful, that I had hope in Him, that He loved me, and that He would sustain me.

Returning, last Wednesday night, to dwell on these songs that had already impacted me so deeply was an amazingly joyful experience. I listened to lyrics which I had previously chosen by sheer faith in the truthfulness of God's Word to believe, now experientially knowing them to be true. I can, by God's grace, say:

"God has a plan, it’s not to harm me
But it’s to prosper me and to hear me when I call
He intercedes for me, working all things for my good
Though trials may come I have this hope"

I Have a Hope, Tommy Walker

Here are videos for three of the songs that inspired this post. Please excuse the cheesy media on the first two and the unidentified foreign language subtitles on the third.

Fewer Toys

It seems like nearly every parent I know has at some time and some level expressed exasperation over the sheer volume of toys in their home. If you are prone to roll your eyes at the mountains of toys threatening to take over your house, but don't know what to do about it, you should read this article. If you don't know why you should read the first article, you should read this one.

A Theology of Suffering

When Trials Come

Words and Music by Keith Getty & Kristyn Getty

When trials come no longer fear

For in the pain our God draws near

To fire a faith worth more than gold

And there His faithfulness is told

And there His faithfulness is told

Within the night I know Your peace

The breath of God brings strength to me

And new each morning mercy flows

As treasures of the darkness grow

As treasures of the darkness grow

I turn to Wisdom not my own

For every battle You have known

My confidence will rest in You

Your love endures Your ways are good

Your love endures Your ways are good

When I am weary with the cost

I see the triumph of the cross

So in its shadow I shall run

Till He completes the work begun

Till He completes the work begun

One day all things will be made new

I’ll see the hope You called me to

And in your kingdom paved with gold

I’ll praise Your faithfulness of old

I’ll praise Your faithfulness of old

As I listened to the lyrics of this song in the car Thursday morning on my way to the pediatrician’s office I heard them with my heart as I never had before.

We’ve had a bit of a rough week. The situation is best left imprecise in this context, but I will characterize it as a potentially severe disappointment of what we thought was to be the fulfillment of a long-cherished hope. The effects of this impending setback will include much work that will need to be un- or re-done, an overhaul of our fall schedule, possible continued health problems, and the surrender of a happy dream. Like I said, it’s been a rough week.

Wednesday night I was overcome with discouragement. A minor irritation became a major source of frustration as I viewed it through the dark lens of our sad news. The more I wondered “why?,” the more discouraged I became. I began to think not only about our own (relatively minor) sufferings, but all the pain and suffering we’ve encountered this year. I thought about my friend Becky who lost her dad to suicide just after Christmas. I thought about another friend, also Becky, who completely unexpectedly lost her husband in March and is now the single-mom of 3 young children. I thought about Mary who survived breast cancer only to have her house burn to the ground a few years later. And others—friends who have had miscarriages, friends who have lost jobs in which they have served faithfully for years, friends who have been unjustly accused and endured the ill-effects of something they didn’t do, friends who suffer quietly day by day as they live with major medical conditions. All these people love God. Every single one is a shining example of Christ’s love to the world around her (or him). To my knowledge the suffering they have endured is not of a disciplinary nature. I quickly became overwhelmed with the crushing question: “WHY?”

I knew there must be an answer, but I couldn’t for the life of me remember what it was. I flipped on the light and opened my Bible, hardly knowing what I was even looking for. I settled in Romans, chapter 5 where I began to just fill my crushed soul with the refreshing water of truth. I read and read, one chapter leading to another where a thought would send me searching somewhere else. Here is what I found:

1. Suffering reminds us who we are & Who God is.

I like to think I’m in control of many things. Or if I’m not in control, I want to be. Suffering forces me to acknowledge that, in fact, I have no “say so” except that which God allows. What appears to me to be a situation that worked out the way I wanted it to is always and only the loving blessing of God in my life. And if that blessing is removed from my life tomorrow my Father is still loving and faithful and will continue to provide everything I need, exactly when I need it.

“But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, ‘Why have you made me like this?’ Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honored use and another for dishonored use?” Romans 9:20-21

“The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21b

2. Suffering forces us to acknowledge God’s power and depend on God’s provision. (Suffering gives us a greater opportunity to entrust ourselves to God.)

When I am in the comfortable groove of everyday living I tend to act as if “I’ve got this one covered.” Taken to the practical level, it is often as if I’m saying, “Thanks for getting me started, God. I’ll take it from here.” I assume everything will continue on its natural trajectory and in such thinking I tend to forget from Whom the abundant provision for my blessed life comes. When that comfortable plan is thrown off-track it reminds me that the comfort of God’s grace and the knowledge that He will meet every need is far superior to my paltry plans.

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12.8-10

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33

3. Suffering refines our faith as fire refines gold.

I have heard the analogy of the refiners fire so often that I, at first glance, I can hardly identify what it means anymore. This week I have considered afresh the meaning of this word picture. A precious metal is made, by fire, more pure and valuable. As the impurities are burned away the integrity and quality of the metal is increased. This really is a beautiful image for suffering. As much as I wish to be taken out of the fire, to just have things be comfortable and easy for a little while, it is a beautiful and comforting thought that suffering and trials are burning away the impurities of my heart so that what is left will be stronger and more pure, to the praise of God.

“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” I Peter 1:6-7

4. Suffering produces, in our lives, a picture of the gospel.

A clay jar was, in the ancient world, quite a common vessel, put to use in a variety of everyday contexts. There was nothing very spectacular about a clay jar. The Scripture says my life is a clay jar into which God has poured a precious treasure: the hope of salvation. When my life is going according to that comfortable plan I mentioned it can easily begin to appear (to others and to myself) as if the value is in the vessel. But when the exterior begins to crack, or even shatters completely, it reminds me that I am worthless on my own; it is only the life of Jesus, manifested in me that gives my life true value and meaning. On my own I was a sinner, unable to come to my Holy Maker, but because of the precious blood of Jesus Christ, shed on the cross for MY sins, I can come to God as a pure and spotless daughter.

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.” 2 Corinthians 4:7-10

5. Suffering is a means by which we have the opportunity to draw others to God.

The ultimate suffering, of course, was endured by Jesus as he took on every sin of every sinner who ever lived in the whole world and paid the price for that which He did not do. In this suffering He made it possible for you and I to be forgiven by God and for that relationship between Creator and creation to be made right. As I face difficulties I have the choice to follow the example of Jesus by walking the hard road of trusting God in the midst of the pain. By this I may have an opportunity to encourage someone else to turn to my loving God to walk with them through their own suffering.

“For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.” I Peter 2:21-24

6. Suffering provides us with unique opportunities to develop godly character.

"He found him [Jacob, Israel] in a desert land, and in the howling waste of the wilderness; he encircled him, he cared for him, he kept him as the apple of his eye. Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, that flutters over its young, spreading out its wings, catching them, bearing them on its pinions, the LORD alone guided him, no foreign god was with him. He made him ride on the high places of the land, and he ate the produce of the field, and he suckled him with honey out of the rock, and oil out of the flinty rock.” Deuteronomy 32:10-13

There are many references in Scripture to the wilderness. Interestingly, it not only represents a time of hardship and suffering, but many times the desert is also a place of spiritual sanctuary, a place where God cares especially tenderly for his precious children. As I wrestle and struggle under the loving watch-care of my Father I have the opportunity to allow the pain to strengthen my character, much as the physical pain of athletic training builds up muscle. God allows suffering in my life to help me develop the godly character I long to possess.

“…we rejoice in our sufferings , knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:12

7. Suffering brings with it a unique blessing, when we endure the suffering in a godly way.

Sometimes I find myself clinging to the false idea that those who serve God faithfully shouldn’t have to suffer. For example, since we’ve already sacrificed the last 10 years of our life to the completion of seminary so that Seth can serve God in the teaching capacity to which he has been called I find myself believing we should be exempt from further life complications. When I admit to this mindset I realize how laughable it is. Of course faithfulness doesn’t exempt us from further suffering—you can open to nearly any book of the Bible to find ample proof of that! Still, God notices the quantity of our sufferings. He allows some of His children to suffer more than others (and I fully realize that many have suffered far more than we have), but those to whom this hard calling is assigned will also receive a unique blessing. All will eventually be made right by a just God who loves His children.

“For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God.” I Peter 2:19-20

“But even if you suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed.” I Peter 3:14a

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted…. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 5:4, 10

8. Suffering teaches us to live no longer for human passions, but for the will of God.

Somehow in the times when I grasp, even for a few moments, what is truly and eternally important, the “stuff” of life just doesn’t matter that much. It’s not easy to keep in perspective how temporary and fleeting my small life really is, but suffering reminds me to line up my priorities with that which truly matters, sometimes by depriving me of my agenda.

“Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God.” I Peter 4:1-2

9. Suffering causes us to ask God for good gifts, which He wants to give us.

“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” Romans 8:31-32

Because of the nature of our current difficulty, I have had to remind myself that God will provide, in His timing and way, the good things we are asking of Him. I have heard many say that God cares about our holiness far more than He cares about our happiness. I think this is a biblical statement. However, I think I can sometimes take that to mean that God doesn’t care at all about those things that would fall more under the “happiness umbrella.” This is a false belief about the nature of God’s love for me. As a parent I don’t always make decisions based on what will make my children happiest—if I did they would do nothing but watch movies all day long and their diet would consist of about 4 foods, which they would consume in large quantities for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. BUT, that doesn’t mean I don’t love to make them happy. If I have to choose something hard because it is best for them, I will do it, but if I can give them something pleasant without harming them body or soul, I will do it because I love them.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you, then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:7-11

10. Suffering is worth the privilege of knowing Christ Jesus, our Lord.

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.” I Peter 4:12-14

These 10 reasons help to answer my difficult question: “Why does God allow Christians to endure so much suffering?” As I finished reading in the pages of I Peter however, I was challenged to respond, not by endlessly searching to answer my why? questions, but by faithfully trusting my loving Father and continuing to obey Him daily.

“Therefore, let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.” I Peter 4:19

Finally, I was encouraged to remember the result of submitting to God’s perfect plan for my life, even when it hurts:

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” I Peter 5:6-10