Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 4b

Last Friday I shared this lesson: Don't measure yourself by someone else's standard, the results will not be accurate! Just as Benjamin and Talia will obtain different results when they measure the same rug using their own (different sized) feet, we will gain a skewed perspective when we measure our success by the achievements of others.

As I understood that "I can't expect my life to look like someone else's because we don't have the same life", I began to realize I should measure myself by a unique standard because of the following four (at least) factors:

• Different priorities. Here's the thing: all those women I envied didn't care about the exact same things I care about. There are facets of life and parenting that are important to me which may be only marginally, or not at all, important to others. Likewise, a season of life may lend a greater sense of urgency to certain endeavors. Choices about child discipline, finances, lifestyle, goals, health, and reaching out to others (and how these all come into balance with one another) are just a few of the factors that will cause even families who share the same basic core beliefs to operate quite differently from one another.
  
  In the trenches we had a few simple priorities: to continue to honor and serve God, to keep our marriage strong, to raise our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, and to finish the degree! (OK, there might have been a few more things sprinkled in there, but you get the idea.) I've talked before about my part in the dissertation writing process, mainly to take care of many of life's details so Seth could focus on writing. In light of this, one of my most basic priorities while we were in survival mode was to keep things simple. If I got too elaborate in my daily routine or too ambitious in my project list I inevitably ended up stressed out and burned out. Grouchy too. I had to learn to let go of my lovely idealistic picture of what it meant to be a good mom and instead to embrace our family's priorities and the activities that went with them.

• Different circumstances. Although we moms tend to group ourselves by various factors (I place myself in groups like this: moms of multiple children, moms of toddlers/preschoolers, homeschoolers, stay-at-home moms), our circumstances often vary widely. Number of children, season of life, health challenges ... many factors make up the specific set of circumstances in which each of us parent.

As Seth and I strove to work as a team to complete his doctoral program I gradually came to realize that I was not superwoman! And while we’re on the subject, let me just blow that one wide open: the superwoman image is a myth! None of us can do it all, but for some reason we keep feeling like we need to pretend that we can. Sometimes we do this by maintaining a front (always having the right answer, never sharing our struggles, even blog posts can contribute to this "I have it all together" lie if we're not careful). Sometimes we just hold ourselves to impossibly perfectionistic standards. This is nothing more than pride! During dissertation days there were some things that were just beyond the scope of my abilities at that time, and that was perfectly OK. It was (and is) ridiculous for me to waste one ounce of emotion feeling guilty for being human.

• Different personalities (and different parenting styles). We all know that personalities are as varied and unique as the billions of individuals who make up the population of the world. I have come to the conclusion that the same is true of our “mommy personalities” (parenting styles). I have never met even one other mom who handles every single situation the same way that I do. And since that is true it only makes sense that there is really no such thing as one standard by which I can measure my effectiveness as a mom.

In the early days, while I was still trying to keep up with Mrs. Jones, to modify the cliché, it eventually became clear to me that my son's behavior was suffering for my wandering. Benjamin was a very, VERY stubborn infant & toddler. He didn’t exactly catch on quickly when it came to learning acceptable (and unacceptable) behaviors and often required much more discipline than other children his age to acquire these skills. Consequently it was important to me to be VERY consistent with him in the beginning. Allowing even one loophole could cause him to persist in searching for another for weeks! I eventually found that in order to accomplish my goals for Benjamin I just couldn’t take the luxury of being “out and about” quite as much as other moms. It was important to me to be home where I could quickly and firmly administer effective discipline, as opposed to being at a playgroup or out shopping where I was more distracted and less free to deal promptly with situations that might arise.

• Different children. Both nature and nurture contribute to the wonderfully individual little people we have the privilege to raise. Each child comes with an ever-developing, unique combination of personality, physical ability, academic capacity, health factors, and spiritual understanding, to name a few of the many angles at which we must understand and guide our children. It therefore stands to reason that a one-size-fits-all "world's best mom" t-shirt isn't going to fit very many of us.

Some of you may have heard me mention before that my children hate crafts! Things have gotten a little better since we began homeschooling and they have learned that organized activity can be fun, but the majority of the time they balk at the idea of sitting down at the kitchen table to engage in some little activity I have cooked up for them. It used to make me mad. "What is wrong with these children??," I would say to myself after some attempt at fun dissolved into yet another round of complaining. I have no idea why some kids love to create and mine don't, but I've since decided not to stress out about it. Their minds are active and constantly learning: they spend hours in imaginary play!, they love music!, they tell me stories!, they love to read! Ultimately, does it really matter if we do themed crafts for every holiday or have boxes of artwork to tuck away for posterity? There are some ideals I just have to let go for the sake of loving my children for who they are.

When we consider our unique priorities, circumstances, personalities, and children it might be easy to come to the conclusion that these are the factors which should shape the unique standard by which we measure ourselves. The only problem, of course, is that although we think we know what is best for our lives, even our own intuition and best guesses are often flawed.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...." Proverbs 3:5 (emphasis added)

"All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the LORD weighs the heart." Proverbs 21:2 (emphasis added)

The unique standard by which we should measure ourselves, then, does not begin with our own knowledge, but is rooted, first and foremost in God's standard. And look what happens when we accept this:

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Trying to do it on my own, trying to be or do something for which God did not create me, trying to operate by a faulty standard, is a burden! Jesus says we must do three things to shed that burden. We must 1) realize our own efforts aren't making it ("come to me"), 2) submit to Him ("take my yoke upon you"), and 3) set our minds on his truth ("learn from me"). As we do that He will give us a different kind of a burden, a burden that isn't heavy because it's the one He created us to carry!

When I submit to God's plan for my life and quit carrying around the burden of that false standard, whatever it may be, I am free to see that my life, measured by His standard, is found completely worthy because of Christ's blood shed to cover my sin. In this I can truly find rest. Praise God!

Other posts in this series:

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 1
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 2
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 3
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 4a

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 4a

4. Don't measure yourself by someone else's standard; the results will not be accurate!

A few weeks ago the kids and I were talking about measuring. We first explored the idea of a unit of measure. How many papers long is Daddy's desk? How many Talias long is this wall? How many Benj-hands wide is this doorway? Next we progressed to learning some vocabulary for measuring. I explained that one unit we can use to measure is feet. Having just experienced measuring with various implements, including their own body parts, the kids latched right on to the idea of measuring in feet. I set them to the task of measuring the length of our school room area rug in feet. Confidently they each began to mark off the prescribed distance in a heel-to-toe pattern, counting meticulously: one ... two ... three ... four. But there was a problem! When they reached the other end, each came up with a different answer. This, of course, was the point of my little educational activity: an introduction to the need for a standard unit of measure.

It is a simple illustration with an obvious (to those of us who aren't 4 and 5 years old) outcome. Yet, how often do we employ the same childish technique of measuring ourselves by someone else's standard? According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, one of the earliest meanings of the word standard was simply, a "unit of measure." It later took on the meaning "authoritative or recognized exemplar of quality or correctness." We often take what we would call someone else's "standard" and apply it to ourselves using the second meaning, rather than the first; at least I do!

I'll admit it: I got sucked in. As a new-ish mom with two small children, I knew just enough about the attractions of the online social world known to some as "mommy blogs" to get myself in trouble. For a time I read blog post after blog post written by these amazing women, some of them friends, all of them roughly my age and at my stage of life, who were doing all these wonderful, perfect, amazing things with their lives. Their children were always groomed perfectly with adorable little hairstyles and designer clothes. They always had amazingly artistic photographs of their children engaging in self-initiated creative activities or producing galleries of artistic wonders. Their houses were always spotless. Their days were always spent baking artisan bread, taking picturesque picnic lunches to the local park, and refinishing furniture to decorating perfection. Well, some of them were doing some of these things, some of the time. But I put all those lovely pieces together in my head and was convinced (and yes I do realize that this is a completely irrational statement) that somehow everyone else's life looked like that, and mine? well, mine was an endless mountain of dirty dishes and squabbling preschoolers. In my mind there was a mommy standard, in the "recognized exemplar" sense, and I wasn't meeting it.

I wish I could remember exactly how the realization came to me, but one day it crystallized, just as clearly as if I had always known it: I can't expect my life to look like someone else's because we don't have the same life! Once again, it was an embarrassingly simple truth, but its very simplicity brought hope to my envy-sick soul. 

In the next post we will delve into 4 reasons we should measure ourselves by a unique standard, and how we can find rest in establishing the correct standard.

Other posts in this series:

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 1
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 2
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 3