Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 4b

Last Friday I shared this lesson: Don't measure yourself by someone else's standard, the results will not be accurate! Just as Benjamin and Talia will obtain different results when they measure the same rug using their own (different sized) feet, we will gain a skewed perspective when we measure our success by the achievements of others.

As I understood that "I can't expect my life to look like someone else's because we don't have the same life", I began to realize I should measure myself by a unique standard because of the following four (at least) factors:

• Different priorities. Here's the thing: all those women I envied didn't care about the exact same things I care about. There are facets of life and parenting that are important to me which may be only marginally, or not at all, important to others. Likewise, a season of life may lend a greater sense of urgency to certain endeavors. Choices about child discipline, finances, lifestyle, goals, health, and reaching out to others (and how these all come into balance with one another) are just a few of the factors that will cause even families who share the same basic core beliefs to operate quite differently from one another.
  
  In the trenches we had a few simple priorities: to continue to honor and serve God, to keep our marriage strong, to raise our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, and to finish the degree! (OK, there might have been a few more things sprinkled in there, but you get the idea.) I've talked before about my part in the dissertation writing process, mainly to take care of many of life's details so Seth could focus on writing. In light of this, one of my most basic priorities while we were in survival mode was to keep things simple. If I got too elaborate in my daily routine or too ambitious in my project list I inevitably ended up stressed out and burned out. Grouchy too. I had to learn to let go of my lovely idealistic picture of what it meant to be a good mom and instead to embrace our family's priorities and the activities that went with them.

• Different circumstances. Although we moms tend to group ourselves by various factors (I place myself in groups like this: moms of multiple children, moms of toddlers/preschoolers, homeschoolers, stay-at-home moms), our circumstances often vary widely. Number of children, season of life, health challenges ... many factors make up the specific set of circumstances in which each of us parent.

As Seth and I strove to work as a team to complete his doctoral program I gradually came to realize that I was not superwoman! And while we’re on the subject, let me just blow that one wide open: the superwoman image is a myth! None of us can do it all, but for some reason we keep feeling like we need to pretend that we can. Sometimes we do this by maintaining a front (always having the right answer, never sharing our struggles, even blog posts can contribute to this "I have it all together" lie if we're not careful). Sometimes we just hold ourselves to impossibly perfectionistic standards. This is nothing more than pride! During dissertation days there were some things that were just beyond the scope of my abilities at that time, and that was perfectly OK. It was (and is) ridiculous for me to waste one ounce of emotion feeling guilty for being human.

• Different personalities (and different parenting styles). We all know that personalities are as varied and unique as the billions of individuals who make up the population of the world. I have come to the conclusion that the same is true of our “mommy personalities” (parenting styles). I have never met even one other mom who handles every single situation the same way that I do. And since that is true it only makes sense that there is really no such thing as one standard by which I can measure my effectiveness as a mom.

In the early days, while I was still trying to keep up with Mrs. Jones, to modify the cliché, it eventually became clear to me that my son's behavior was suffering for my wandering. Benjamin was a very, VERY stubborn infant & toddler. He didn’t exactly catch on quickly when it came to learning acceptable (and unacceptable) behaviors and often required much more discipline than other children his age to acquire these skills. Consequently it was important to me to be VERY consistent with him in the beginning. Allowing even one loophole could cause him to persist in searching for another for weeks! I eventually found that in order to accomplish my goals for Benjamin I just couldn’t take the luxury of being “out and about” quite as much as other moms. It was important to me to be home where I could quickly and firmly administer effective discipline, as opposed to being at a playgroup or out shopping where I was more distracted and less free to deal promptly with situations that might arise.

• Different children. Both nature and nurture contribute to the wonderfully individual little people we have the privilege to raise. Each child comes with an ever-developing, unique combination of personality, physical ability, academic capacity, health factors, and spiritual understanding, to name a few of the many angles at which we must understand and guide our children. It therefore stands to reason that a one-size-fits-all "world's best mom" t-shirt isn't going to fit very many of us.

Some of you may have heard me mention before that my children hate crafts! Things have gotten a little better since we began homeschooling and they have learned that organized activity can be fun, but the majority of the time they balk at the idea of sitting down at the kitchen table to engage in some little activity I have cooked up for them. It used to make me mad. "What is wrong with these children??," I would say to myself after some attempt at fun dissolved into yet another round of complaining. I have no idea why some kids love to create and mine don't, but I've since decided not to stress out about it. Their minds are active and constantly learning: they spend hours in imaginary play!, they love music!, they tell me stories!, they love to read! Ultimately, does it really matter if we do themed crafts for every holiday or have boxes of artwork to tuck away for posterity? There are some ideals I just have to let go for the sake of loving my children for who they are.

When we consider our unique priorities, circumstances, personalities, and children it might be easy to come to the conclusion that these are the factors which should shape the unique standard by which we measure ourselves. The only problem, of course, is that although we think we know what is best for our lives, even our own intuition and best guesses are often flawed.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...." Proverbs 3:5 (emphasis added)

"All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the LORD weighs the heart." Proverbs 21:2 (emphasis added)

The unique standard by which we should measure ourselves, then, does not begin with our own knowledge, but is rooted, first and foremost in God's standard. And look what happens when we accept this:

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Trying to do it on my own, trying to be or do something for which God did not create me, trying to operate by a faulty standard, is a burden! Jesus says we must do three things to shed that burden. We must 1) realize our own efforts aren't making it ("come to me"), 2) submit to Him ("take my yoke upon you"), and 3) set our minds on his truth ("learn from me"). As we do that He will give us a different kind of a burden, a burden that isn't heavy because it's the one He created us to carry!

When I submit to God's plan for my life and quit carrying around the burden of that false standard, whatever it may be, I am free to see that my life, measured by His standard, is found completely worthy because of Christ's blood shed to cover my sin. In this I can truly find rest. Praise God!

Other posts in this series:

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 1
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 2
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 3
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 4a

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 4a

4. Don't measure yourself by someone else's standard; the results will not be accurate!

A few weeks ago the kids and I were talking about measuring. We first explored the idea of a unit of measure. How many papers long is Daddy's desk? How many Talias long is this wall? How many Benj-hands wide is this doorway? Next we progressed to learning some vocabulary for measuring. I explained that one unit we can use to measure is feet. Having just experienced measuring with various implements, including their own body parts, the kids latched right on to the idea of measuring in feet. I set them to the task of measuring the length of our school room area rug in feet. Confidently they each began to mark off the prescribed distance in a heel-to-toe pattern, counting meticulously: one ... two ... three ... four. But there was a problem! When they reached the other end, each came up with a different answer. This, of course, was the point of my little educational activity: an introduction to the need for a standard unit of measure.

It is a simple illustration with an obvious (to those of us who aren't 4 and 5 years old) outcome. Yet, how often do we employ the same childish technique of measuring ourselves by someone else's standard? According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, one of the earliest meanings of the word standard was simply, a "unit of measure." It later took on the meaning "authoritative or recognized exemplar of quality or correctness." We often take what we would call someone else's "standard" and apply it to ourselves using the second meaning, rather than the first; at least I do!

I'll admit it: I got sucked in. As a new-ish mom with two small children, I knew just enough about the attractions of the online social world known to some as "mommy blogs" to get myself in trouble. For a time I read blog post after blog post written by these amazing women, some of them friends, all of them roughly my age and at my stage of life, who were doing all these wonderful, perfect, amazing things with their lives. Their children were always groomed perfectly with adorable little hairstyles and designer clothes. They always had amazingly artistic photographs of their children engaging in self-initiated creative activities or producing galleries of artistic wonders. Their houses were always spotless. Their days were always spent baking artisan bread, taking picturesque picnic lunches to the local park, and refinishing furniture to decorating perfection. Well, some of them were doing some of these things, some of the time. But I put all those lovely pieces together in my head and was convinced (and yes I do realize that this is a completely irrational statement) that somehow everyone else's life looked like that, and mine? well, mine was an endless mountain of dirty dishes and squabbling preschoolers. In my mind there was a mommy standard, in the "recognized exemplar" sense, and I wasn't meeting it.

I wish I could remember exactly how the realization came to me, but one day it crystallized, just as clearly as if I had always known it: I can't expect my life to look like someone else's because we don't have the same life! Once again, it was an embarrassingly simple truth, but its very simplicity brought hope to my envy-sick soul. 

In the next post we will delve into 4 reasons we should measure ourselves by a unique standard, and how we can find rest in establishing the correct standard.

Other posts in this series:

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 1
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 2
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 3

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 3

If you are just joining us, here are the first two posts in this series:
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 1
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 2

3. Embrace your "Normal," whatever that may be.

Last spring I joined a Bible Study lead by my pastor's wife. God has since called them to another ministry, but I am so thankful that God used Ms. Lynette to speak truth into my life during the final months of the dissertation. Lesson #3 is one I learned from her.

I can hear Ms. Lynette's voice, quite clearly in my mind, "We've got to learn to live in our 'New Normal,' whatever that is! Sometimes we've just got to be big girls, quit whinin', and just do it!" (That, by the way, is a loose quotation. :) )


I confess, this was often precisely what I needed to hear. By the end of our PhD process I often did not feel like continuing to do the right thing, and even more often I struggled to think and believe the right thing. Too often I was "whinin'" in my heart, if not outloud. Of course, it wasn't a "New Normal" I was struggling with, but the old "Normal," which, in my mind was getting...well, old.

Looking back I can see a marked difference between the times I made wise choices despite my feelings (aka: embracing my "Normal") and the times I acted out of emotion (aka: discontentment with my "Normal"). Choosing to wash dishes, do laundry, make beds, bathe children, cook, and clean up messes, despite exhaustion and the overwhelming temptation to sit at my computer in my pajamas all day, often lifted my spirits and renewed my energy. Giving into the temptation to neglect my responsibilities, however, lead to despondency, further exhaustion, and a greater struggle with sins such as anger, impatience, and selfishness.

Not surprisingly, this observation mirrors a biblical principle:

"Each one should test their own actions...for each one should carry their own load.... Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:4-9

God tells us we should test ourselves to see if our actions measure up to the responsibilities He has given us. Our actions are the seeds we sow. If we act to please ourselves God plainly tells us we will reap destruction. Applications of this include spiritual consequences (such as defeat in struggles with sin, a sense of separation from God), emotional consequences (such as depression, fear, guilt, shame, anxiety, anger), practical consequences (such as problems in relationships, losses, fruitless efforts), and even physical consequences (such as sleeplessness, lack of energy, stomach issues). If, however, we act to please the Spirit, we will reap the freedom of living life as God intended.

God gives each of us different sets of circumstances for different seasons of our lives. We aren't always going to feel happy or fulfilled in what He has called us to for any given season. But, as Ms. Lynette so clearly impressed on me, embracing "Normal" means we have to keep doing the right thing, even when we don't feel like it, trusting that the emotion will eventually follow.

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 2

For the first post in this "Lessons Learned in the Trenches" series, click here.

2. There's Always Something....

"Things will get better once we ________."
"I'll do (think about, start, get around to) ________ when things calm down."
"I know I need to ________, but things are just so crazy right now!"

These phrases, and other mantras like them were common in my thinking during the long battle. We would often laugh about what on earth we would do with ourselves when, for the first time in our ten years of marriage, Seth didn't constantly have schoolwork hanging over his head. We pictured ourselves sitting on the couch in the evenings, flipping channels or reading for pleasure.

I certainly won't say that we have not had any increase in our leisure time, nor will I maintain that our stress level and pace of life is entirely unchanged. But, as I recently heard someone say in regards to an I'll-consider-it-when-things-calm-down attitude, "When have you ever had a calm week in your life?!" I think most of us tend to believe that our stressful circumstances are temporary and that a less hectic future is in store for us if we can just make it around the next corner. Unfortunately, there's always something.

Our life is definitely more balanced now than it was while Seth was writing. There were periods during which we barely saw him and hardly ever ate a meal together as a whole family. There were exhausting weeks of doing nearly all the childcare, dish washing, cooking, cleaning (what little got done in those days), bathing, and discipline alone. So some of the "extra time" we expected to have once school was done was absorbed into those aspects of family life that had suffered some imbalance. But I also found that in the absence of one Pressure, others were quick to arise and vie to take its place.

In the beginning I promised this series would be encouraging. Thus far it seems I have painted a rather bleak picture with my second lesson. Is there hope in this reality? Yes! I have learned that while there's always something, that stress and burn-out are not the inevitable results, neither must this truth always further a hectic lifestyle. Rather, the following principles have come to guide my thinking about this second lesson:

• The Christian life is a "race that is set before us." Paul encourages us to "lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and ... run with endurance ... looking to Jesus." (see Hebrews 12:1-2) 

  This passage tells us how we should run ("with endurance"), what allows us to keep running ("looking to Jesus"), and also WHY we are running: the "race" is "set before us" by God! In this sense life is supposed to be an endurance race. If we are obeying God we will be running--long and hard. But if we run in the strength of Jesus the race will not overwhelm us. To use another biblical metaphor, the result of submission to the yoke of Christ (obedience to His plan for our lives--our "race") is a "burden" that is easy and light, because it is the one He created us to carry!

• Serving God and fulfilling His purpose for my life is not "over there" but here.

  It is so easy to get in my mind that when I get to that place I will really be able to start doing what God wants me to do with my life. The thing is, the destination is always changing. When I get to college ... when I get married ... when we start our family ... when we graduate from seminary ... when Seth gets a teaching job.... Turns out the old cliche really is great advice: bloom where you're planted. This is both a lesson of (1) contentment and (2) action: (1) quit waiting for this or that to happen in order to gain happiness (in this context: quit waiting for this busy season to pass) and (2) get busy with the work God has for you to do! No more excuses!

• A full life is a blessing; a busy life is a curse.

The stress and burn-out I mentioned above are some of the negative effects of busyness. Busyness is me trying to do more and be more than that for which God created me: trying to attain perfect standards, fulfill assignments beyond my giftedness, or a hundred other little distractions with which I can fill up my life. Fullness is God working through me each and every day to accomplish His purposes.

I have a cheap, orange plastic paintbrush I keep in a jar in my kitchen. When I see this paintbrush each morning it reminds me to pray what I call my Paintbrush Prayer: "God, paint the picture You want to create on the canvas of my day. And please use me as your paintbrush." It is amazing how full, yet peaceful and energizing my day can be when I simply acknowledge that I am not the master craftsman, only the tool.

• Living a life that lines up with my priorities means saying "no" to good things to embrace what is best.

Once again, the fact that there's always something can lead to major stress and burn-out in our lives. Especially as a mother of three pre-school children I can find myself in this mode pretty quickly when I am not careful to guard my time and monitor my commitment level.

In our dissertation season of life I tried to keep my activities outside our home to a very bare minimum. If I was overcommitted to outside activities and thus less attentive to meal preparation, clutter control in our home, and our children's routines, it was a distraction and source of stress for Seth. After graduation I was able to consider opportunities with more openness. But it has still been necessary for me to carefully consider my involvements.

I have found that if my reality is ever going to match up with my priorities I am going to have to budget time for those important tasks, just as I would budget money for a needed item. When I began to budget out my time and rearrange my schedule according to my priorities I made an interesting observation. I wasn't able to simply cut out all the "bad" things, the wasted time, and paste in the things of value. You see, I wasn't really spending my time on worthless pursuits--it was pretty much all good stuff! But as I tried to look at my time through new lenses, I recognized there were good things that weren't best. There were tasks I had taken on because I felt I "had to;" some of my pursuits were motivated by guilt, fear or obligation, while some were merely old habits. In letting go of some of these good things I made more room to live in light of the important, not merely the urgent.

We are still learning the fine art of balancing life with three children, church ministry, work (in a field unrelated to Seth's career), career development, running our home, friendships, health, finances.... But I have learned that I can't count on our "three ring circus" to leave town anytime soon, so I'm going to have to learn to juggle!

Lessons Learned in the Trenches (of Doctoral Studies)

I started this post series in November. I decided to pull it out and dust it off since it's encouraging stuff I really want to share!

As I wrote a couple of days weeks months ago, I have recently been processing our whole school/Ph.D./dissertation experience at a deeper level. Honestly, I've been thinking to myself, "It's about time!" I have been wanting for some time to write about our experience, desiring to give personal testimony to the faithfulness of our mighty God. But the thoughts just would not flow. I didn't have a single idea for how to take the enormity of our experience over the past 11 years (and more specifically the microcosm of the past 2-3 years) and condense it into a meaningful composition. So I didn't write anything.

This morning it hit me: "Lessons Learned in the Trenches." Yes, that was the angle I had been searching for! God truly has taught me so many (many!) lessons, especially over the past 3 years which have easily been the hardest of my life. For so long the road seemed endlessly hard and the progress (especially in my own sinful heart) depressingly meager, but finally emerging from the shadow and standing here on the other side has allowed me to recognize just how much God has done in my heart. And so, as a testimony to God's amazing faithfulness and love, I would like to begin to share with you some of the lessons I learned in the trenches.

1. God is faithful, good, and loving all the time.

This sounds cliche and churchy, but it is truly the core of what I learned in the darkness. I found my belief in the validity of this statement challenged on more than one occasion as I processed the many, many challenges, setbacks, and disappointments of the final stretches of this hard road. But what I have come to believe, more firmly than ever, is that the human response of "how could God let this happen to me??" exists when we have a wrong view of God. It all comes down to who is on the throne of your heart.

Truthfully, I must admit that during the periods of greatest discouragement I wrestled with thoughts that maybe we were on our own; maybe God didn't care much about our misery.One of my recurring questions was why God would continue to allow setbacks and difficulties that were completely out of Seth's control to prolong suffering for our family. We prayed fervently that God would reward our diligence by orchestrating a timely end to the dissertation. We heard, "no" in answer to that plea several times before God finally gave us the desire of our hearts. More than once I looked at the long, dark tunnel still ahead and felt abandoned by God. One night as I expressed my feelings of abandonment to a friend she reminded me I was in good company--Jesus expressed precisely that anguish when he cried, "My God, why have You forsaken me?"

I don't pretend to know why God allowed Seth's Ph.D. work to drag on for so long, but I do know that for as long as I entertained any hint of the thought that the reasons were grounded in God's lack of concern and love for us I was tortured and miserable. Even as my faith was weak, again and again in the darkness God offered me rays of the light of His Truth. And the Truth was/is, it's not all about me! God's purpose for me is good, but the way that His purpose fleshes out in my life is about his world-wide agenda, not necessarily my moment-by-moment comfort. In tiny increments I began to understand, and finally to fully embrace beyond a doubt, that God is faithful, good and loving, even when I don't understand how that could possibly be true. Feeling abandoned by God is sometimes part of life (let me point again to Jesus), but that even in that pit God is there; the feeling that He is not does not alter this truth. Further, belief in truth I do not understand is a choice. When things are going badly I can choose to entertain lies that tell me God doesn't care about me or I can choose to simply say, I don't understand it, but I'm going to trust Him.

Stay tuned for:
Lesson 2: There's Always Something....

Great Is Thy Faithfulness!

"For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness. For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. This God--his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him." Psalm 18:28-30

This past week my brain unexpectedly started to process through some of the enormity of Seth's graduation in May. Previous reflection on that monumental event has left me with an overwhelming but vague sense of gratitude and relief--hardly interesting material for a blog post. Unsurprisingly, it was music that prompted my unexpected flow of thought.

Last Wednesday evening I was driving home from church, alone in Seth's car while he valiantly manned the minivan full of tired children. Tired of the mediocre music on the radio I fished around in the console for a CD. In the dark I pulled out an unknown disc and slid it into the player. It turned out to be an old rehearsal CD of church choir music.

I remember well the first choir rehearsal of that semester. Our family was in the middle of dissertation season and we had just experienced some difficult setbacks. As we sang through our new repertoire that evening it seemed to me that nearly every song was chosen especially for me. God ministered to my weary and battered soul that night, reminding me that He was faithful, that I had hope in Him, that He loved me, and that He would sustain me.

Returning, last Wednesday night, to dwell on these songs that had already impacted me so deeply was an amazingly joyful experience. I listened to lyrics which I had previously chosen by sheer faith in the truthfulness of God's Word to believe, now experientially knowing them to be true. I can, by God's grace, say:

"God has a plan, it’s not to harm me
But it’s to prosper me and to hear me when I call
He intercedes for me, working all things for my good
Though trials may come I have this hope"

I Have a Hope, Tommy Walker

Here are videos for three of the songs that inspired this post. Please excuse the cheesy media on the first two and the unidentified foreign language subtitles on the third.

A Theology of Suffering

When Trials Come

Words and Music by Keith Getty & Kristyn Getty

When trials come no longer fear

For in the pain our God draws near

To fire a faith worth more than gold

And there His faithfulness is told

And there His faithfulness is told

Within the night I know Your peace

The breath of God brings strength to me

And new each morning mercy flows

As treasures of the darkness grow

As treasures of the darkness grow

I turn to Wisdom not my own

For every battle You have known

My confidence will rest in You

Your love endures Your ways are good

Your love endures Your ways are good

When I am weary with the cost

I see the triumph of the cross

So in its shadow I shall run

Till He completes the work begun

Till He completes the work begun

One day all things will be made new

I’ll see the hope You called me to

And in your kingdom paved with gold

I’ll praise Your faithfulness of old

I’ll praise Your faithfulness of old

As I listened to the lyrics of this song in the car Thursday morning on my way to the pediatrician’s office I heard them with my heart as I never had before.

We’ve had a bit of a rough week. The situation is best left imprecise in this context, but I will characterize it as a potentially severe disappointment of what we thought was to be the fulfillment of a long-cherished hope. The effects of this impending setback will include much work that will need to be un- or re-done, an overhaul of our fall schedule, possible continued health problems, and the surrender of a happy dream. Like I said, it’s been a rough week.

Wednesday night I was overcome with discouragement. A minor irritation became a major source of frustration as I viewed it through the dark lens of our sad news. The more I wondered “why?,” the more discouraged I became. I began to think not only about our own (relatively minor) sufferings, but all the pain and suffering we’ve encountered this year. I thought about my friend Becky who lost her dad to suicide just after Christmas. I thought about another friend, also Becky, who completely unexpectedly lost her husband in March and is now the single-mom of 3 young children. I thought about Mary who survived breast cancer only to have her house burn to the ground a few years later. And others—friends who have had miscarriages, friends who have lost jobs in which they have served faithfully for years, friends who have been unjustly accused and endured the ill-effects of something they didn’t do, friends who suffer quietly day by day as they live with major medical conditions. All these people love God. Every single one is a shining example of Christ’s love to the world around her (or him). To my knowledge the suffering they have endured is not of a disciplinary nature. I quickly became overwhelmed with the crushing question: “WHY?”

I knew there must be an answer, but I couldn’t for the life of me remember what it was. I flipped on the light and opened my Bible, hardly knowing what I was even looking for. I settled in Romans, chapter 5 where I began to just fill my crushed soul with the refreshing water of truth. I read and read, one chapter leading to another where a thought would send me searching somewhere else. Here is what I found:

1. Suffering reminds us who we are & Who God is.

I like to think I’m in control of many things. Or if I’m not in control, I want to be. Suffering forces me to acknowledge that, in fact, I have no “say so” except that which God allows. What appears to me to be a situation that worked out the way I wanted it to is always and only the loving blessing of God in my life. And if that blessing is removed from my life tomorrow my Father is still loving and faithful and will continue to provide everything I need, exactly when I need it.

“But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, ‘Why have you made me like this?’ Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honored use and another for dishonored use?” Romans 9:20-21

“The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21b

2. Suffering forces us to acknowledge God’s power and depend on God’s provision. (Suffering gives us a greater opportunity to entrust ourselves to God.)

When I am in the comfortable groove of everyday living I tend to act as if “I’ve got this one covered.” Taken to the practical level, it is often as if I’m saying, “Thanks for getting me started, God. I’ll take it from here.” I assume everything will continue on its natural trajectory and in such thinking I tend to forget from Whom the abundant provision for my blessed life comes. When that comfortable plan is thrown off-track it reminds me that the comfort of God’s grace and the knowledge that He will meet every need is far superior to my paltry plans.

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12.8-10

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33

3. Suffering refines our faith as fire refines gold.

I have heard the analogy of the refiners fire so often that I, at first glance, I can hardly identify what it means anymore. This week I have considered afresh the meaning of this word picture. A precious metal is made, by fire, more pure and valuable. As the impurities are burned away the integrity and quality of the metal is increased. This really is a beautiful image for suffering. As much as I wish to be taken out of the fire, to just have things be comfortable and easy for a little while, it is a beautiful and comforting thought that suffering and trials are burning away the impurities of my heart so that what is left will be stronger and more pure, to the praise of God.

“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” I Peter 1:6-7

4. Suffering produces, in our lives, a picture of the gospel.

A clay jar was, in the ancient world, quite a common vessel, put to use in a variety of everyday contexts. There was nothing very spectacular about a clay jar. The Scripture says my life is a clay jar into which God has poured a precious treasure: the hope of salvation. When my life is going according to that comfortable plan I mentioned it can easily begin to appear (to others and to myself) as if the value is in the vessel. But when the exterior begins to crack, or even shatters completely, it reminds me that I am worthless on my own; it is only the life of Jesus, manifested in me that gives my life true value and meaning. On my own I was a sinner, unable to come to my Holy Maker, but because of the precious blood of Jesus Christ, shed on the cross for MY sins, I can come to God as a pure and spotless daughter.

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.” 2 Corinthians 4:7-10

5. Suffering is a means by which we have the opportunity to draw others to God.

The ultimate suffering, of course, was endured by Jesus as he took on every sin of every sinner who ever lived in the whole world and paid the price for that which He did not do. In this suffering He made it possible for you and I to be forgiven by God and for that relationship between Creator and creation to be made right. As I face difficulties I have the choice to follow the example of Jesus by walking the hard road of trusting God in the midst of the pain. By this I may have an opportunity to encourage someone else to turn to my loving God to walk with them through their own suffering.

“For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.” I Peter 2:21-24

6. Suffering provides us with unique opportunities to develop godly character.

"He found him [Jacob, Israel] in a desert land, and in the howling waste of the wilderness; he encircled him, he cared for him, he kept him as the apple of his eye. Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, that flutters over its young, spreading out its wings, catching them, bearing them on its pinions, the LORD alone guided him, no foreign god was with him. He made him ride on the high places of the land, and he ate the produce of the field, and he suckled him with honey out of the rock, and oil out of the flinty rock.” Deuteronomy 32:10-13

There are many references in Scripture to the wilderness. Interestingly, it not only represents a time of hardship and suffering, but many times the desert is also a place of spiritual sanctuary, a place where God cares especially tenderly for his precious children. As I wrestle and struggle under the loving watch-care of my Father I have the opportunity to allow the pain to strengthen my character, much as the physical pain of athletic training builds up muscle. God allows suffering in my life to help me develop the godly character I long to possess.

“…we rejoice in our sufferings , knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:12

7. Suffering brings with it a unique blessing, when we endure the suffering in a godly way.

Sometimes I find myself clinging to the false idea that those who serve God faithfully shouldn’t have to suffer. For example, since we’ve already sacrificed the last 10 years of our life to the completion of seminary so that Seth can serve God in the teaching capacity to which he has been called I find myself believing we should be exempt from further life complications. When I admit to this mindset I realize how laughable it is. Of course faithfulness doesn’t exempt us from further suffering—you can open to nearly any book of the Bible to find ample proof of that! Still, God notices the quantity of our sufferings. He allows some of His children to suffer more than others (and I fully realize that many have suffered far more than we have), but those to whom this hard calling is assigned will also receive a unique blessing. All will eventually be made right by a just God who loves His children.

“For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God.” I Peter 2:19-20

“But even if you suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed.” I Peter 3:14a

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted…. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 5:4, 10

8. Suffering teaches us to live no longer for human passions, but for the will of God.

Somehow in the times when I grasp, even for a few moments, what is truly and eternally important, the “stuff” of life just doesn’t matter that much. It’s not easy to keep in perspective how temporary and fleeting my small life really is, but suffering reminds me to line up my priorities with that which truly matters, sometimes by depriving me of my agenda.

“Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God.” I Peter 4:1-2

9. Suffering causes us to ask God for good gifts, which He wants to give us.

“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” Romans 8:31-32

Because of the nature of our current difficulty, I have had to remind myself that God will provide, in His timing and way, the good things we are asking of Him. I have heard many say that God cares about our holiness far more than He cares about our happiness. I think this is a biblical statement. However, I think I can sometimes take that to mean that God doesn’t care at all about those things that would fall more under the “happiness umbrella.” This is a false belief about the nature of God’s love for me. As a parent I don’t always make decisions based on what will make my children happiest—if I did they would do nothing but watch movies all day long and their diet would consist of about 4 foods, which they would consume in large quantities for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. BUT, that doesn’t mean I don’t love to make them happy. If I have to choose something hard because it is best for them, I will do it, but if I can give them something pleasant without harming them body or soul, I will do it because I love them.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you, then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:7-11

10. Suffering is worth the privilege of knowing Christ Jesus, our Lord.

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.” I Peter 4:12-14

These 10 reasons help to answer my difficult question: “Why does God allow Christians to endure so much suffering?” As I finished reading in the pages of I Peter however, I was challenged to respond, not by endlessly searching to answer my why? questions, but by faithfully trusting my loving Father and continuing to obey Him daily.

“Therefore, let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.” I Peter 4:19

Finally, I was encouraged to remember the result of submitting to God’s perfect plan for my life, even when it hurts:

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” I Peter 5:6-10

Unclogging

Editorial note: I'm no longer "here" emotionally as I've had 3 or 4 more weeks to unwind, but I decided to post this anyway. I'll chalk it up to my catch-all: posterity. :)

I haven’t blogged in eons. You may have noticed (or maybe not :) ). The problem with not having blogged is when I sit down to update I wonder how on earth I should begin, especially in the face of the significant and monumental events which have recently occurred. Should I give a general update? Should I attempt to capture the enormity of graduation in an epic post about God’s faithfulness? I might do both of those things later. The latter certainly deserves some focused attention after all the challenges and trials that have been recorded here. The truth is I’m not sure I can muster up enough emotional energy to give these things, especially graduation, the ceremony they deserve. Yet. So my intent is to just write whatever comes to mind, let some thoughts flow, allow my brain to “unclog” a little, if you will.


I’m tired! Sort of fundamentally, down in my depths. I know I will slowly begin to gain back the energy to approach life with excitement and passion, but right now it’s hard to imagine getting excited about much of anything.

Just after graduation Seth & I had the incredible opportunity to go on a 4-day cruise. That time to truly relax was a gift. We had a wonderful time; it was all we could have asked for! It was wonderful to just be with my husband and put aside the many responsibilities of daily life. It was so restful to have a week with practically no schedule, no commitments. We could (and did) take naps whenever we felt like it. We had breakfast in bed. We sat on the deck reading and watching the sea go by. We took walks out on the decks at night. We even got some exercise in on the ship’s jogging track. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

I was hoping to come back from our break full of life and energy and new passion. I was hoping to feel overflowing with happy emotion at the achievement of a long-awaited goal. Instead, I have come to understand that our week away jump-started the process of unwinding from the incredible stresses of the past many months.

I have been tempted to feel guilty for not being “fixed” by the magic of the break everyone kept telling me I needed. I wonder how I can possibly have the audacity to still be so unenthusiastic about my daily tasks. I feel positively ungrateful for not gushing over with bubbly emotions about having Seth home evenings, weekends, and the recently passed holiday. I am grateful, just quietly grateful....

...And now, because (as I stated at the beginning) I am feeling so much more refreshed it has become impossible for me to wrap up this post satisfactorily. But I think it worked. I feel much more "bloggy." Stand by.

A Sample from the Dissertation

It's "Show & Tell" time. I know many of you have been curious about this "dissertation" that has brought so much trial and tribulation into our lives, so I thought I would provide you with a sample of what I've been working on for the last few months. (... Not to mention the fact that I just finished a section and am proud of how it turned out and want to show it off a little.) ;-)

The dissertation is going to have several appendices which will list all of the artifacts that I uncovered in my study and will provide some details about each one. It will also have several pages that display the pictures or drawings of these artifacts that are found in the scholarly publications. So below is a sample from the list of sword and dagger artifacts, along with the page that displays some of the pictures from that list. You can match up numbers B121, B124, B126, and B127 in the list and in the picture. (To match up the rest, you'll have to consult the dissertation when its finished.)


While we're on the topic, please keep praying for us. I need to get this work completed by February 10th, and there is still much work left to be done.

The Incident: The Summary (Boy) Version

Read this version by Seth if you are wondering what happened but don't necessarily want all the "for posterity" details. It is a slightly modified version of an email he sent to his coworkers.

Kiersten and the kids were visiting my sister in Nashville this last weekend, giving me time to try and finish the defense draft of my dissertation which was due on Wednesday, Sept. 2^nd. Benjamin, as most of you know, has had some severe allergies ever since he was born, and has to do a daily breathing treatment to help with his asthma. On Sunday night, Benjamin had a very severe asthma attack, was gasping for breath even after a breathing treatment, and was very drowsy because he was not getting enough oxygen into his blood stream. Kiersten took him to the emergency room of the local hospital, and during the next few hours the doctors ran a variety of tests and treatments to help Benjamin’s situation. In the end, the pediatrician there did not like the look of Benjamin’s oxygen levels and so he decided to transfer him to a Children’s Hospital in Nashville which was about 30 minutes away.

So in the middle of the night, Benjamin was transferred in an ambulance and was admitted to the Children’s Hospital where they ran another series of tests and procedures. In the morning, I decided to leave behind my dissertation and all my plans for the week and to go to be with my family. I spent Monday morning driving down there, and spent that afternoon and evening at Benjamin’s side allowing Kiersten to get some much needed rest.

When I arrived, Benjamin looked terrible. He was on a medication that did not allow him to eat or drink anything, so he was very lethargic. But after a few hours, after the medication had worn off, they let him drink some water. A couple hours after that they let him resume eating. After he ate, he perked right up and was talking, playing with toys, and was his cheerful self once more. However, he stayed in the hospital a second night and they continued to give him breathing treatments every few hours.

By Tuesday morning, he was doing much better and was cleared to leave the hospital. We spent the rest of that day preparing to leave the hospital (we didn’t actually leave until lunchtime), preparing for the trip home, and driving back to Louisville. We pulled into our driveway about midnight. Wednesday was spent getting caught up on rest and getting settled back into normal life.

This whole ordeal has helped Kiersten & I to rethink some things. First of all, we are all the more thankful for the precious children that God has blessed us with, and we are thankful for the ways that God helped our family through this crisis. God was faithful to us in so many ways.

Secondly, we are no longer trying to get me to graduation as quickly as possible, no matter what the cost. Our family made a lot of sacrifices this last month as I was trying to meet the September 2^nd deadline. We are now pulling back and slowing things down. It looks like I will be walking in May instead of December as we had hoped, but we feel that that is what is best for our family.

Thirdly, since we are taking a more moderate pace with my dissertation, we are moving ahead on some other projects, including a local move. The house we currently live in is 900 square feet, and our family is quickly outgrowing it. So if you are here in town and know of a good house for rent, please let us know.

The Incident: The "Details" (Girl) Version

For all you "Lost" fans--Seth has dubbed the following "The Incident."

WARNING: This post is extremely long. Skim as you desire. Or read Seth's (boy) version in the post to follow. FYI, look for links throughout for explanation on some of the more "technical" aspects of the story.

At 8:30 Sunday night I took Benjamin to the hospital. At 11:30 Tuesday morning we got out of the hospital and began to re-think life. To an even greater depth we have realized that Benjamin has some significant challenges, but that doing what we must to deal with those challenges is a small price to pay for our precious little guy.

But I'll return to the beginning of this story.

Last Friday morning the kids and I packed up the van and made the three hour trek to Seth's sister's house in the Nashville area to spend a few days with them while Seth worked to finish the first defense draft of his dissertation for his September 2nd deadline. We planned to return to Louisville the afternoon of the 2nd to celebrate this huge milestone with Seth.

All day Sunday Benj seemed to be coughing more than normal. By evening I was growing more concerned as the dry, tight cough became almost continuous. After dinner we went to a nearby playground and his coughing seemed to get better. However, when we returned home he began to cough again and complain that he was "doing hard breathing," his phrase for needing a nebulizer treatment. His complaining quickly became very agitated crying. He told me several times, "I can't breathe!" His mounting hysteria, alternating with moments of sudden sleepiness where his eyelids would suddenly become "heavy" and his body would go semi-limp, scared me. I prepared a breathing treatment for him as fast as I could. As soon as I started the nebulizer I called the pediatrician on-call with our group. He recommended that I take him to an urgent care so they could make sure his oxygen levels were ok. Meanwhile, Benjamin continued to cough through the treatment with no change in the sound or intensity. After the treatment was over he quickly became very upset again, even to the point of throwing himself on the ground, writhing as though in great pain. A minute later he lay limp and listless on the floor as I tried to finish putting his pj's on. I picked him up and laid him on my bed where he fell asleep so immediately it almost seemed as though he had passed out. I told my sister-in-law I was going to have to take him to the emergency room.

I left Talia watching Charlie & Lola with her cousins, explaining to her that Mama had to take Benjamin to the doctor and that Uncle Phil would put her to bed. She was unconcerned with this unusual procedure and gave me a hurried kiss without comment. We packed Benjamin and Leila (who would soon need to nurse) up in the van and I followed my sister-in-law to the local hospital emergency room.

Soon after we arrived Benjamin was evaluated in triage and taken to a bed separated from the other emergencies of the night by a few curtains. He was almost immediately placed on oxygen while various doctors and nurses evaluated the situation. Over the next few hours Benjamin's oxygen levels were monitored while his chest was x-rayed for pneumonia and his blood was drawn for labs. He was given a steroid shot, some antibiotics for ear infection, and an hour-long breathing treatment during which he fell asleep. Around 11:00pm we thought things were going fairly well and expected that we might return home before midnight. My cell phone was not getting reception in the basement-level room so I stepped out to call Seth and tell him things were going fine. After a long period of waiting (for what we thought might be the x-ray results) the doctor came back in and announced that Benjamin's oxygen levels were not as high as he would like to see. He called in a pediatrician to evaluate. Some time later the pediatrician came in and after some questioning and examination started an IV and nasal cannula and told me that he wanted to admit Benjamin overnight--he was still working too hard to breathe. At this point he was considering transferring Benj to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital, but ultimately decided he could remain at the current hospital for the time being.

Around 12:30am Vicki went home while I prepared to spend the night with Benjamin. We were moved to a room on the pediatric floor a little after 1:00am where Benjamin was given another breathing treatment. Throughout the various procedures, starting with the oxygen tube and IV in the ER, Benjamin was very upset. At least twice he cried hard for over an hour, saying "no, no, no" over and over. Finally, after we were in our room for over an hour, Benjamin was able to calm down and go back to sleep. The nurse helped me set up the cot for me to sleep on and I laid down, exhausted and ready to sleep. Just a few minutes later she returned to the room saying that Benjamin's oxygen saturation was below 94% and, following the doctor's orders, they were going to need to transfer him to Vanderbilt. She told me she was going to call an ambulance and start the paperwork for the transfer.

Two EMTs soon arrived to take Benj, via stretcher, to the ambulance. I was told I would not be able to ride with him as I still had Leila with me. When they picked him up to carry him to the stretcher waiting in the hall, he started screaming and reaching for me. I held him and for the first time the tears welled up in my eyes. I assured him I would follow right behind the ambulance and I would be there when he got to the other hospital. As one EMT gave me directions in case I lost the ambulance the other got down next to Benjamin and began to soothe him. He asked the nurse for a tissue and dried Benj's tears. He told him that he had a little boy who was his age. By the time we were ready to walk down the hall Benj was totally calm and even managed to tell the nurse "bye" and "thank you." One of the EMTs carried Leila's carrier so I could hold Benj's hand and get him situated in the ambulance. The male EMT rode in the back with Benj and pointed out several times during the trip that I was driving right behind them.

En route to Vanderbilt around 3:00am (4:00 in Louisville) I was finally able to contact Seth. (My cell phone had no reception the entire time we were in the first hospital, aside from walking outside. Vicki had called him when she left the ER earlier in the night.) I woke him up, but I knew that he needed to hear from me. He was worried by the earlier news that they were keeping us overnight, and even more so when he heard that we were being transferred to a hospital in Nashville (30 minutes away) and that Benj was in an ambulance. At that point I still wasn't sure how bad things were and encouraged him to at least sleep the rest of the night before making a decision about whether or not to come down.

We arrived at Vanderbilt without incident. I was a bit worried about how, exactly, to go about following an ambulance, but we drove "only" about 80mph and with no siren so I didn't feel too much like an ambulance chaser. Of course I had to park in the parking structure and so expected to have to find Benj when I got to the ER, but as I stepped out of the elevator I saw the driver of the ambulance waiting for me in the bay. They wanted Benjamin to be able to see me as soon as he came out. The EMT told me he had been totally calm throughout the entire ride, amazingly enough.

There was a team waiting for us in the ER. They immediately transferred him to a hospital crib and began to hook up all his monitoring equipment. When the attending doctor listened to his lungs he told me it sounded like pneumonia. I told him the chest x-ray had come back clear, which he found hard to believe. They started Benjamin on a "4-hour continuous" (breathing treatment). After the initial questions, evaluation, and treatment measures were complete our nurse was very helpful in explaining the concerns they had about Benjamin's condition. First of all his heart rate was very rapid (in the 150's-170's). This was partly due to the meds he was on, but also due to the fact that his body was working so hard to breathe. Second, his oxygen saturation was too low. While he was on the continuous, of course, he was maintaining 98-100%, but between previous breathing treatments he had only been maintaining 92-95% (the very bottom of the "acceptable" range). Finally, his respiration rate was in the 40's and 50's (respirations per minute). Later, when he was doing much better his respirations were in the low to mid 20's so early on he was breathing almost twice as fast as he normally does. This, along with moderate retractions indicated that his poor little body was fighting hard to breathe.

Around 4:00am things settled down in terms of bustle in the room. Due to lack of space they had put Benjamin in the trauma bay (where they normally receive patients involved in bad car accidents, etc.) so initially there was no place for me to even sit down. They managed to find me a rocking chair so I was able to rest and eventually even fall asleep for a few minutes. At 5:45am Seth called and asked for a status report. I remember telling him I was confused about how serious things were, but I was hoping to be able to talk to a doctor soon. Our conversation was interrupted by someone coming in to check on Benjamin. I was able to call Seth back about 45 minutes later and he told me he was all packed up and was coming down.

At 7:00am they were able to move us to a real room in the ER. The biggest "plus" about this move was that there was a TV which helped keep Benjamin's mind off of the breathing treatment which by this point was really bothering him. Several times in the previous couple of hours he had thrown an all-out temper tantrum about wearing the mask which he is only accustomed to wearing for 15 minutes at a time at home. The respiratory therapist who was overseeing Benjamin's treatment was thoroughly amused at how glued Benj was to that TV.

Over the next couple of hours the protest over wearing the mask took a backseat to Benjamin's desire for something to drink. Unfortunately we were unable to give him anything to eat or drink as the medication he was on would have caused certain vomiting. They were also still leaving open the possibility that they would need to intubate (for which he would need to have an empty stomach). I stood by his bed and held him as he cried over and over for water, desperately wishing I could give it to him, aching to comfort him. It seemed as though everything he cried out for I could not give him. He wanted the mask off--It had to stay on. He wanted water--He couldn't have it. He wanted to go home--We had to stay there. His most poignant plea was for his sister. "I want Talia," he wailed.

Sometime mid-morning they took him off the continuous breathing treatment (which he had been on for over 4 hours) and replaced it with oxygen to see how his body would respond. In order for us to be released he needed to be able to go 4 hours between breathing treatments (with good oxygen and respiration levels). After only 30-40 minutes his oxygen saturation was consistently in the 88-92% range, lower than ever, and bordering on dangerous. They put him back on the continuous and told us we would most likely not be going home that day. Various medical personnel also continued to comment that they could hear pneumonia in his lower right lung. Each time I repeated that his chest x-ray had been clear they were shocked but multiple examinations of the x-ray confirmed that there was, indeed, no pneumonia.

By 11:00am I was reaching the end of my emotional strength. Benj was crying, Leila (who had been mostly in her car seat for hours on end) was crying. Holding Benjamin's hand I sat next to his bed and silently let the tears flow, praying for strength. Providentially, about 20 minutes later my sister-in-law arrived with Talia and 5-10 minutes later Seth arrived. Benjamin was very much comforted by his sister's presence and when Seth arrived Benj cried for Daddy to hold him, which Seth did despite all the tubes & wires attached to his body. Both Vicki and Seth had brought Benjamin some comfort items (his blankie, various "friends" with whom he sleeps, movies, and favorite toys). He was glad to see some familiar things although he was able to do little more than hold them as he lay there.

A little after noon Vicki, Talia, Leila and I left Benj & Seth watching a movie and went home to get some sleep. Just before we left we found out that Benjamin was responding well enough to being back on the continuous that he would be admitted on the regular pediatric floor instead of the ICU.

Once "home" I was able to sleep for most of 4 hours. When I woke up I called Seth and found out that Benjamin had definitely turned a corner! After about 2 hours he was able to go off the continuous. As a result he had been able to have some small sips of water and a couple of hours after that they had allowed him to eat. I could hear a child chattering in the background as I talked to Seth but as I assumed they were still in a double-occupancy room I didn't think much of it. When Seth explained that they had been moved to a private room I realized, "You mean that's Benjamin talking and laughing?!" Aside from moaning and crying he had probably spoken less than 10 sentences since we had entered the ER the night before. Apparently after he ate he had perked right up. I was so profoundly relieved and thankful to hear him playing in the background.

After dinner I packed up a few extra things (Vicki had brought me some essentials earlier in the day) and prepared to spend the night at the hospital so Seth could come home and get some good sleep. (Earlier Vicki, Seth and I had compared notes and found out that between the 3 of us we had gotten a grand total of 6 hours of sleep!) Benjamin had been moved from the ER to the 7th floor and when I arrived was just being served his dinner. It was so wonderful to see him sitting up in bed, playing with his cars with pink cheeks and a smile on his face. He ate with a little less gusto than normal, but well nonetheless. As Seth updated me on the events of the last several hours I learned that he had been moved from 1 to 2 to 3 hours between breathing treatments and was doing well with the gradual increase. He had also been taken off the oxygen and was maintaining his levels at increasingly acceptable percentages on room air.

After Benjamin finished his dinner and played a little more, we got him ready to go to sleep. He had really only gotten a few hours off and on throughout the previous night and had not napped at all during the day. After brushing his teeth and getting him settled back into bed I pulled the sheet up and we kissed him goodnight. He was asleep only seconds later. After Leila's final feeding of the night Seth took her and left to go home and sleep. I laid down not long after and tried to sleep. At first I jumped up to stand by his bed every time someone came in to check on him. At midnight a respiration therapist came to give him a breathing treatment and was surprised to find that his lungs sounded perfectly clear. Evidently Benj had developed quite a reputation and she had been told not to expect very much or very quick improvement. She even let me listen to him, commenting, "he's passing air better than I am!" I was encouraged to also find that the monitor was reading 96-98% oxygen saturation. She told me she was going to try to let him go the "magic" 4 hours between treatments. She was able to administer the treatment without waking him up.

After this good news I slept soundly not waking up until, at 7:00, I heard Benjamin whispering, "I have to go potty!" I learned from his nurse that all had continued to go well during the night, they had been able to move him to the 4-hour mark with good results. She promised that if he ate and drank well at breakfast that she would be able to take him off the IV fluids.

Not long after he had finished his breakfast a resident came in to do his morning exam and while he was in the room the supervising doctor came in to tell us he was there to discharge us! By the time Seth arrived with Leila we were packed up and ready to go home. (Talia had gone with Aunt Vicki to work that morning, a perfect option as Vicki teaches 2 year olds at a local preschool.) It took us a couple more hours to actually be able to leave as we had to wait on Benjamin's new medications and the respiratory therapist to teach us how to administer them. He was given a different inhaled steroid than he had previously been on and the doctor also wanted us to switch from giving him nebulizer treatments to using a metered-dose inhaler.

Around 11:30am we were finally able to take our precious Benjamin home, healthy once again. Of course we were still 3 hours from our home and so we planned to return to Phil & Vicki's to pack up to return to Louisville that evening. Back at the house Benjamin wholeheartedly resumed "normal activity," as his discharge instructions from the hospital indicated he should. He was running around with his cousins in no time, like nothing had happened. We left around 7:00 that evening (8:00 in Louisville) and, due to some traffic and a rest stop for Leila to eat, pulled into our driveway around midnight.

Benjamin is recovering well. We saw his pediatrician Thursday morning who indicated that he was still wheezing slightly and had us resume his bronchodilator (albuterol) for 3 more days. Naturally we had questions about what caused this unprecedented asthma attack. Obviously no one knows for sure but all the doctors involved agreed that it was probably a combination of factors. Our pediatrician seemed more in favor of blaming his allergies and asked me to follow-up with a return visit to the allergist in a few weeks to evaluate possible changes in his allergies and needed treatment. The doctor who discharged us at Vanderbilt also told us that at the time we were there they had about 40 respiratory patients, pointing to an environmental cause. Changes in weather and other illness (common cold symptoms) are also common causes of asthma flare-up. All these factors pertain somewhat to this situation and probably all contributed somewhat.

Our next step is to continue our current regimen and get Benjamin completely well. After this we will pursue a visit to the allergist for possible further allergy testing (he has not previously tested positive for any environmental allergens but we have had reason to suspect before this incident that he had developed some sensitivity in this area). I am also curious to learn if he could now benefit from immunotherapy (allergy shots) as we know from his latest allergy test at the pediatrician's office that his dog allergy has gone up significantly since we last saw the allergist.

I mentioned at the beginning that this adventure has caused us to re-think life a bit. First of all we have been reminded in a very profound way how thankful we are for the precious children God has blessed us with. I can't tell you how many times I have been overwhelmed with emotion as I have sat with the kids at the breakfast table, read them stories, or just watched them playing. I have been very prone to sudden urges to take them in my arms and squeeze them tightly, sometimes much to their protest! Secondly, we are no longer pursuing Seth's graduation at all costs. We are still planning for him to finish his dissertation fairly soon and to graduate with his long-pursued PhD, but on the other side of this ordeal frankly it seems much less important than it did a week ago. Our entire family has made many sacrifices over this past month to try to enable Seth to meet the September 2nd deadline for his defense draft. To put it simply we do not have the strength or the desire to push ourselves and our children to this extreme any longer. As a result it looks like Seth will be walking in May instead of December as we had hoped, but in the grand scheme of things this really doesn't change things significantly. In fact, in terms of the next chapter in our life, it doesn't change things at all. We were planning to remain in Louisville at least until next summer as there are not many teaching positions that open up mid-school year.

In conclusion, we are very thankful for God's faithfulness, not only in the details of this circumstance, but in guiding us step by step each day. We are at peace with both the progress and the outcome of this situation, knowing that God was and is fully in control of every detail. We are also so thankful for you, our faithful friends and family who have not only persevered this far in reading this saga :), but have prayed and supported us through this and many other difficult circumstances. We are so grateful for your faithful love.

Dissertation Update

Last night Seth came to an important and exciting milestone in his dissertation process: he officially finished his initial draft! This means he now has something on paper for each topic he intends to discuss. He will now turn his attention to revisions based on his advisor's first review of the material. On September 2nd he will need to turn in a defense draft to his advisor and the style reader. Based on their input he will have 3 weeks to make any final revisions and submit the final defense draft to his committee. I believe he will defend sometime in early November.

Please pray for Seth to continue to find the strength to keep up his grueling schedule (he's not getting much sleep these days) and make good progress toward the end of this monumental project.