This I Know

It has been a ridiculously long time since I have written anything here and who knows if anyone visits this dusty ol' corner of the internet anymore. But it seemed an appropriate place to process out some thoughts about a significant experience our family had this year on Christmas afternoon.

After a relaxing day of opening presents and spending time as a family, we piled into the van to go to a friend's house for Christmas dinner. We all marveled at how the snowfall from the night before had given us the quintessential White Christmas we all dream and sing about. We were almost to our destination when disaster struck in the form of a patch of slush on a freeway on-ramp. We lost traction and ultimately spun 180 degrees, slamming into the concrete barrier, and coming to a stop on the shoulder. The engine was sputtering so Seth turned the car off and started to make phone calls. Meanwhile, I got into the backseat to check on the kids. Everyone was shaken up, but unharmed. After I was satisfied that the kids were not hurt, I tried to get back to my seat, but I was unable to open the sliding door from the inside. I squatted down in the space between the seat and the door and prayed that other drivers would slow down. Unfortunately, the slushy patch continued to present a hazard and two other cars lost control, hitting each other further up the ramp. Then a fourth car hit the same patch and came sliding straight for us. We had hardly any time to react before it slammed into the front of our car. The kids were terrified, but mostly unhurt (Channah did have a tiny gash on her chin). Seth was badly bruised on his forearm and had some other bumps and bruises, but my head struck the plastic handle of Judah's infant carrier and I sustained a pretty nasty laceration to my forehead. Shortly after the second impact a friend arrived to transport the kids to safety. I got to visit the ER where they called in a plastic surgeon to stitch up my head, but thankfully determined that I was otherwise in tact. About 4 hours after the accident we were reunited with the kids in the safety of our friends' home. Needless to say it was a Christmas we will never forget.

I share this story in part for the value of written memory, one that will now be part of our family story. But what compels me to write is to record part of a much bigger story, the unfolding of which has been powerful to the point of utterly overwhelming me. From the very beginning of this journey - as early as the moments I lay alone in the ER - I knew God had protected us. Images of what could have been came unbidden to my mind. I knew that I could have easily lost my husband or my life if circumstances had been only slightly different. Later I realized God's hand of protection once again as I learned that Benj & Leila had also taken their seat belts off after the first crash. I knew that God was good. But that He was about to take this horrific circumstance and use it for great good, many times over, did not enter my mind.

Our church has recently been studying the biblical picture of the church as a body. We have been learning that we need each other and can not expect to function without the support of those God has placed together in the family we call Hope Church. We have been privileged to have a front row seat from which to witness the body of Christ functioning as a unit. Seth and I, as individual parts of the body, were not capable of functioning on our own through many aspects of these past couple of weeks. We found ourselves time and time again in places of need, large and small, and our church family responded with the true love Jesus says His followers have for each other:

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth." (I John 3:16-18) 

We have been loved well! Not just with words, but with actions. Dear friends risked their safety on the dangerous roads that night to bring us to safety and to be with us in the hospital. Dinner plans, skype calls, transportation plans, and sleeping arrangements were interrupted and rearranged. It was decided (mostly for the sake of our frightened children) that we would spend the night where we were. Our friends sacrificially gave up their own bed for us and slept on couches so that we could rest well that night. Words of concern and compassion poured in, prayers were lifted up. And this love continued far beyond these first expressions. The next few days were a jumble of painful details, emotions, and physical repercussions. Our Hope Church family responded immediately, generously, and practically providing meals for several nights and impromptu babysitting on several occasions.

Knowing our only car was totalled, we began to discuss how we would go about replacing it. We were forced to face the fact that while 6 months or a year ago we could have paid cash for a used vehicle in an emergency situation, we could no longer do so. We have been hit hard financially over the past year with many different unexpected expenses that have been completely out of our control. As we discussed our financial situation all the tears that I had not yet cried came pouring out. For me, this was the lowest point emotionally.

A couple of days later we received a large gift from some very dear friends from a former church we attended. We were humbled and so blessed by their generosity. It was a much-needed boost of encouragement. A couple of days after that, we came home after looking at the fifth van in three days. We were a little discouraged because we wanted to buy it but not having money in hand and unable to secure the loan we were applying for that day, we lost it to another buyer. There was a little envelope in the mail from some other friends. Inside were not only experienced and wise words of comfort and encouragement, but also another large gift. The very distinct thought came into my heart that this was God's way of saying to me, "See? I'm taking care of you." I shared these incredible blessings with a close friend of mine and she commented, "When the circulation is cut off to the hands and feet the heart and lungs work harder." Again, the beauty of the imagery of a body caring for its individual parts for the well-being of the whole hit me with its power. Just as the EMT at the scene of the accident had taken steps to stem the flow of blood from my head, our brothers and sisters in Christ were working sacrificially and tirelessly to stop the bleeding in a metaphorical sense. The next morning we were further blessed by our church family as they gave generously to help us with our financial needs. Again, we were humbled, encouraged, joyful and grateful for how abundantly God was providing.

A little over a week after the accident we purchased a used van in good condition. Not wanting to keep the expensive rental car through the entire settlement process, we took out a somewhat modest loan to pay for the car and were soon sitting in our new car. Shortly after everything was finalized, we received a call from a family member. In the course of that conversation we again experienced amazing provision as we learned that we were going to receive a third large gift. 30 minutes after we took out a loan we did not want we had the means to pay off a large portion of it. A few days later Seth received a check from our church for the amount of the offering that had been received on Sunday. We were overwhelmed by the generosity and sacrifice of our precious church family. With that gift God had provided for us the exact amount we needed to pay off the car - with $10 to spare!

In my mind everything had now come full circle. But God wasn't done yet. The next day Seth came home from work and told me he had talked to the total-loss adjuster from the insurance company that day. In all the details, I had completely forgotten about the insurance settlement for the car! It had been an older van that had a few issues. We weren't expecting a huge settlement, but still, in that moment I thought it would be awesome if it was a few hundred dollars to help us pay for the rental and registration fees for the new van. The amount he handed me on a piece of paper was larger than I was expecting. My eyes overflowed right along with my heart. Later we realized that the settlement would cover not only the rental and registration, but also a couple of repairs we need to make on the new van AND help pay off the small amount remaining on a loan we had to take out because of the huge loss we sustained last year on the sale of our house.

This fall I have wrestled with some discontentment over what God was requiring of us - continuing large-scale financial loss and prolonged living in a cramped apartment. I have been learning to discipline myself to act on my belief that God is love and His will is always best. When we had the accident I remember thinking, "I guess this is why God pressed me so hard to surrender our housing situation because now we will be in the apartment for a lot longer." Little did I know that He would use this situation to actually bless us financially! I have learned through this experience that God truly works for our good. It's not just a nice thing to say.

Another significant experience for me was seeing God care for me in ways only He could. There were times when my thoughts and emotions caused me to panic and experience great fear. In many of those moments I prayed for peace and He gave it to me. For many days I experienced battles with intense emotional lows. I asked Him to restore my joy and He did. I leaned on God and found Him to be my rock.

The last huge spiritual lesson for me, so far, has been the most amazing of all. I mentioned a close friend with whom I was sharing this journey in pretty specific detail. I texted her when we received the check from the church and she texted back that she had fallen to the floor crying. She had been praying for a specific amount, and God had answered (with $10 to spare). She said the fact that God clearly answered "yes" to a specific prayer gave her hope she had not had in a long time. This was hugely significant because over the past couple of years she has had some incredibly difficult circumstances to deal with. A couple of months ago the past 2 years culminated in a situation that brought even more significant heartache. Since that time I had been particularly impressed with a heart to pray for hope for her. A direct result of our accident is that God has begun to answer that prayer. That He can take a terrible circumstance and turn it around, not only for our good, but for the good of someone I care about deeply is overwhelming to me.

I am so thankful for the things God is teaching me through this difficult season. I understand joy in the pain so much more clearly than I ever have before.

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

I know this to be true - not only because I choose in faith to believe it - but because my heart has experienced it.

I found a blessing!

I haven't been blogging much lately. There's a reason for that. (Well, I mean besides being too busy.) I haven't felt like I have anything constructive to post. And by that I mean that life has looked pretty bleak from where I sit these days, which is in the rocking chair, on the couch, at the kitchen table holding and rocking and patting and shushing my precious but very fussy baby girl.

I'm not gonna lie to you, these past 6 weeks have mostly been incredibly difficult. Most of that period Channah has cried 50-75% of her awake time and often part of her should-be naptimes as well. (We had a brief interlude somewhere in the middle where she was much less fussy, but the past 2 weeks have been worse again.) We think her crying is mostly due to tummy discomfort--gas pain and acid reflux--and have been treating her with medication, which has helped some, but has not revolutionized our life like we hoped it would. So, unfortunately this has not been the blissful newborn experience we were all hoping for.

But(!) today I had a thought! It was the glimmer of sunshine I prayed for this morning when I prayed for the strength to be a good mommy today, even though I was dog tired and even more discouraged. All this time I'm spending rocking and soothing my fussy girl allows me to slow down and not miss the little things. I know, for example, that today she tried to blow a raspberry. As her little tongue was stuck out she gave a faint blow and then immediately broke into the most adorable smile. She knew that she was onto something! What a sweet little moment. Just the memory brings little tears to the corners of my eyes. And I already know her little personality so intimately. I spend a couple of hours, at least, every day locked in eye contact with her, exchanging smiles and coos or soothing her with soft words and safe arms. I know the different pitches and meanings of her cries (sometimes). I know what makes her smile. As a mama of four these are the little things I could easily miss.

What amazes me is that this matches right up with my theme for this year: "The Little Things: Treasuring God's Blessings." I chose this theme in January (even though this is the first I've blogged about it). It seemed appropriate for a year in which I would have the sweetness of a newborn baby to treasure up in my heart. I must admit I pictured blessings of a more...um...happy nature.

But God knows. He knows that I tend to fill my time up with projects and activity, always tweeking and fixing, and letting the little things go by unnoticed. He knows that I want to do less and be more but I don't naturally know how to fulfill that desire. He knows that on my own I would get to the end of the year and sadly look back, realizing that moment by moment, day by day I forgot to notice The Little Things. So He gave me a fussy baby who forces me to lay aside my daily agenda, pause (sometimes for days at a time), and take the time to enter into moments in the life of my children. I still have a long way to go in learning to truly treasure the blessings of my new daily routine, but by God's grace I am daily intimately acquaintanted with The Little Things.

Smiling Girl, 8 weeks old

Channah Grace

Please allow me to (finally!) introduce you to our newest precious blessing, Miss Channah Grace. She made her entrance into the world on May 15 at 9:55am. She was 7 lbs. 10 oz. and 20 inches long, making her our biggest baby.

Now that we've covered all the obligatory stats, let me answer your real question: How do you pronounce her name? I'm glad you asked. Think of it like "Chanukah." The "Ch" makes an "H" sound (although if you want to be technical it is the gutteral "chet" sound in Hebrew) and both a-sounds are long. HAH-nuh.

"Channah" is (obviously) a Hebrew name meaning "grace" or "gracious," which makes her name "Grace Grace." In keeping with the meaning of her name we have chosen 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12 as her life verse:

"To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by his power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ."

Channah arrived as scheduled, via c-section. I was very much relieved that we didn't have a surprise trip to the hospital since that meant that my parents had arrived to care for the other  three children, we were able to finish our homeschool year, my doctor of choice was able to do my 4th c-section (about which I was a little extra nervous), and we were able to have our photographer friend come to the hospital and capture the special day.

We arrived at Labor & Delivery around 6:45am, were checked in by the receptionist, and were escorted to Room 13. Obviously knowing the drill, I put my hospital gown on and sat down in the rocking chair to wait for my nurse. 40 minutes later we were still waiting for someone to come in and get the party started. My cell phone rang. I didn't recognize the number, but answered anyway, out of pure curiosity. It was a labor & delivery nurse from the hospital wondering if I was planning to come in for my delivery. Totally confused, I said something super-intelligent like, "But I'm here!" She responded, "Oh great! Are you on your way up to Labor & Delivery?" "No. I'm here. Like...here...in Room 13." I don't exactly recall how that conversation ended but less than a minute later several nurses rushed in the room. The nurse who had called me started apologizing profusely. Apparently since we came close to shift-change we had just sort of fallen through the cracks. We thought it was hilarious and once they realized that we weren't upset we had a great time joking about it and laughing about the mass chaos going on to get me ready for surgery at 9:00. There were four nurses working on various preparatory procedures as well as the nurse from the nursery who would attend the birth, the anesthesiologist, and several other people in and out of the room. It was fun to recognize several of the people involved in Channah's birth who had also assisted in the births of our other children. For example, the nurse who called my cell phone was actually my (very much beloved) labor nurse when I delivered Benjamin.

After a rather frenzied hour of prep it was a case of "hurry up and wait" as my doctor was in another surgery so we waited for about half an hour before they were actually ready to take me to the OR. Once I was there it seemed to take longer than normal to get things started. People kept coming in and introducing themselves to me - an assisting nurse, the anesthesiologist (a different one than the one who came to my room earlier), the assisting surgeon, the neonatologist, etc., etc., etc. - but they still had not brought Seth in. They were putting up the sheet that prevents me from seeing what they are doing to my poor gigantic belly and getting ready to start and he still wasn't there. I was honestly panicked that they had forgotten. I remember saying, "WAIT! Where's Seth?" (They hadn't forgotten him, I guess I was just a little out of it. :) ) He came in a few seconds later.

I was really nervous about the c-section this time. There was a slight possibility that it could have been a little extra complicated because of where my placenta was attached in proximity to where the incision would be, but my doctor had told me she didn't think it would be a problem. I'm not sure why I was scared, but I spent the first few minutes tensely listening for signs of how everything was going. It wasn't long, however, before I felt the gigantic push and heard the sweet sounds of my precious baby girl. That first cry is always my favorite part!

One of the most exciting parts about the birth was that I actually got to see Channah just seconds after she was born. I was in an OR I had not been in before which was set up differently. With the other three children the warmer, scale, etc. for the baby has always been at the foot of the operating table so I have never been able to see more than a glimpse of the babies for the first 10 minutes or so after they were born. My first memories of each of their lives are of what I could hear alone. This time they had the equipment for the baby situated near the head of the table so I was able to watch all the cleaning and diapering and weighing and foot stamping sweetness. I am so thankful I was able to share in these moments.

Channah is very much adored. The kids love their new baby sister. The girls, especially, love to hold her and amuse her during her brief periods of wakefulness. Benjamin is also very sweet and patient with her crying. We aren’t sure who she looks like. She is unmistakably a Rodriquez baby, but she doesn’t look exactly like any of the other kids. When she was first born I could see Benj in her face at times and Talia at others. I was fairly certain she didn’t look much like Leila, but over the past week she has started to look much more like Leila. Her hair is lighter than any of our other babies, more medium brown as opposed to the black/dark brown hair the others were born with. So far she does not appear to have curly hair (Leila’s was curly at birth!), but in true Rodriquez fashion she has plenty of it. One distinctive feature is her super-long toes. They are adorable.

This delivery was by far the smoothest, even though it was my fourth c-section. One of my nurses told me that she read in my chart that I barely had any scar tissue at all! Considering that I had so much 2 pregnancies ago that I had stretched internally to “paper thinness,” this is beyond amazing to me. My recovery was also amazingly easy. Many of the normal symptoms that I have experienced each time were not an issue at all. God has truly answered our prayers and blessed us immensely through Channah’s birth. Another amazing answer to prayer is that I am feeling emotionally normal. Usually by the third day I start to feel mildly depressed or at least weepy and slightly irrational. By the time I left the hospital I was still feeling totally like myself. During our first week home Channah developed some issues with nursing and I had a few meltdowns due to frustration and the sheer pain of it, but overall I think it is safe to say I am avoiding the postpartum depression I have experienced with previous deliveries. I am so thankful!

We are definitely experiencing an adjustment period with the kids. They immediately loved and accepted Channah as a member of the family, but we are seeing the transition take place in other areas like obedience, getting along with each other, and responsibility. Already this week has been much better than last week, our first week “on our own,” but we are currently in the midst of obedience boot camp and would appreciate your prayers.

It takes me forever to upload pictures to the blog. Trying has delayed this post more than once, so please click here to see more pictures.

Great Is Thy Faithfulness!

"For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness. For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. This God--his way is perfect; the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him." Psalm 18:28-30

This past week my brain unexpectedly started to process through some of the enormity of Seth's graduation in May. Previous reflection on that monumental event has left me with an overwhelming but vague sense of gratitude and relief--hardly interesting material for a blog post. Unsurprisingly, it was music that prompted my unexpected flow of thought.

Last Wednesday evening I was driving home from church, alone in Seth's car while he valiantly manned the minivan full of tired children. Tired of the mediocre music on the radio I fished around in the console for a CD. In the dark I pulled out an unknown disc and slid it into the player. It turned out to be an old rehearsal CD of church choir music.

I remember well the first choir rehearsal of that semester. Our family was in the middle of dissertation season and we had just experienced some difficult setbacks. As we sang through our new repertoire that evening it seemed to me that nearly every song was chosen especially for me. God ministered to my weary and battered soul that night, reminding me that He was faithful, that I had hope in Him, that He loved me, and that He would sustain me.

Returning, last Wednesday night, to dwell on these songs that had already impacted me so deeply was an amazingly joyful experience. I listened to lyrics which I had previously chosen by sheer faith in the truthfulness of God's Word to believe, now experientially knowing them to be true. I can, by God's grace, say:

"God has a plan, it’s not to harm me
But it’s to prosper me and to hear me when I call
He intercedes for me, working all things for my good
Though trials may come I have this hope"

I Have a Hope, Tommy Walker

Here are videos for three of the songs that inspired this post. Please excuse the cheesy media on the first two and the unidentified foreign language subtitles on the third.

A Theology of Suffering

When Trials Come

Words and Music by Keith Getty & Kristyn Getty

When trials come no longer fear

For in the pain our God draws near

To fire a faith worth more than gold

And there His faithfulness is told

And there His faithfulness is told

Within the night I know Your peace

The breath of God brings strength to me

And new each morning mercy flows

As treasures of the darkness grow

As treasures of the darkness grow

I turn to Wisdom not my own

For every battle You have known

My confidence will rest in You

Your love endures Your ways are good

Your love endures Your ways are good

When I am weary with the cost

I see the triumph of the cross

So in its shadow I shall run

Till He completes the work begun

Till He completes the work begun

One day all things will be made new

I’ll see the hope You called me to

And in your kingdom paved with gold

I’ll praise Your faithfulness of old

I’ll praise Your faithfulness of old

As I listened to the lyrics of this song in the car Thursday morning on my way to the pediatrician’s office I heard them with my heart as I never had before.

We’ve had a bit of a rough week. The situation is best left imprecise in this context, but I will characterize it as a potentially severe disappointment of what we thought was to be the fulfillment of a long-cherished hope. The effects of this impending setback will include much work that will need to be un- or re-done, an overhaul of our fall schedule, possible continued health problems, and the surrender of a happy dream. Like I said, it’s been a rough week.

Wednesday night I was overcome with discouragement. A minor irritation became a major source of frustration as I viewed it through the dark lens of our sad news. The more I wondered “why?,” the more discouraged I became. I began to think not only about our own (relatively minor) sufferings, but all the pain and suffering we’ve encountered this year. I thought about my friend Becky who lost her dad to suicide just after Christmas. I thought about another friend, also Becky, who completely unexpectedly lost her husband in March and is now the single-mom of 3 young children. I thought about Mary who survived breast cancer only to have her house burn to the ground a few years later. And others—friends who have had miscarriages, friends who have lost jobs in which they have served faithfully for years, friends who have been unjustly accused and endured the ill-effects of something they didn’t do, friends who suffer quietly day by day as they live with major medical conditions. All these people love God. Every single one is a shining example of Christ’s love to the world around her (or him). To my knowledge the suffering they have endured is not of a disciplinary nature. I quickly became overwhelmed with the crushing question: “WHY?”

I knew there must be an answer, but I couldn’t for the life of me remember what it was. I flipped on the light and opened my Bible, hardly knowing what I was even looking for. I settled in Romans, chapter 5 where I began to just fill my crushed soul with the refreshing water of truth. I read and read, one chapter leading to another where a thought would send me searching somewhere else. Here is what I found:

1. Suffering reminds us who we are & Who God is.

I like to think I’m in control of many things. Or if I’m not in control, I want to be. Suffering forces me to acknowledge that, in fact, I have no “say so” except that which God allows. What appears to me to be a situation that worked out the way I wanted it to is always and only the loving blessing of God in my life. And if that blessing is removed from my life tomorrow my Father is still loving and faithful and will continue to provide everything I need, exactly when I need it.

“But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, ‘Why have you made me like this?’ Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honored use and another for dishonored use?” Romans 9:20-21

“The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21b

2. Suffering forces us to acknowledge God’s power and depend on God’s provision. (Suffering gives us a greater opportunity to entrust ourselves to God.)

When I am in the comfortable groove of everyday living I tend to act as if “I’ve got this one covered.” Taken to the practical level, it is often as if I’m saying, “Thanks for getting me started, God. I’ll take it from here.” I assume everything will continue on its natural trajectory and in such thinking I tend to forget from Whom the abundant provision for my blessed life comes. When that comfortable plan is thrown off-track it reminds me that the comfort of God’s grace and the knowledge that He will meet every need is far superior to my paltry plans.

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12.8-10

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33

3. Suffering refines our faith as fire refines gold.

I have heard the analogy of the refiners fire so often that I, at first glance, I can hardly identify what it means anymore. This week I have considered afresh the meaning of this word picture. A precious metal is made, by fire, more pure and valuable. As the impurities are burned away the integrity and quality of the metal is increased. This really is a beautiful image for suffering. As much as I wish to be taken out of the fire, to just have things be comfortable and easy for a little while, it is a beautiful and comforting thought that suffering and trials are burning away the impurities of my heart so that what is left will be stronger and more pure, to the praise of God.

“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” I Peter 1:6-7

4. Suffering produces, in our lives, a picture of the gospel.

A clay jar was, in the ancient world, quite a common vessel, put to use in a variety of everyday contexts. There was nothing very spectacular about a clay jar. The Scripture says my life is a clay jar into which God has poured a precious treasure: the hope of salvation. When my life is going according to that comfortable plan I mentioned it can easily begin to appear (to others and to myself) as if the value is in the vessel. But when the exterior begins to crack, or even shatters completely, it reminds me that I am worthless on my own; it is only the life of Jesus, manifested in me that gives my life true value and meaning. On my own I was a sinner, unable to come to my Holy Maker, but because of the precious blood of Jesus Christ, shed on the cross for MY sins, I can come to God as a pure and spotless daughter.

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.” 2 Corinthians 4:7-10

5. Suffering is a means by which we have the opportunity to draw others to God.

The ultimate suffering, of course, was endured by Jesus as he took on every sin of every sinner who ever lived in the whole world and paid the price for that which He did not do. In this suffering He made it possible for you and I to be forgiven by God and for that relationship between Creator and creation to be made right. As I face difficulties I have the choice to follow the example of Jesus by walking the hard road of trusting God in the midst of the pain. By this I may have an opportunity to encourage someone else to turn to my loving God to walk with them through their own suffering.

“For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.” I Peter 2:21-24

6. Suffering provides us with unique opportunities to develop godly character.

"He found him [Jacob, Israel] in a desert land, and in the howling waste of the wilderness; he encircled him, he cared for him, he kept him as the apple of his eye. Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, that flutters over its young, spreading out its wings, catching them, bearing them on its pinions, the LORD alone guided him, no foreign god was with him. He made him ride on the high places of the land, and he ate the produce of the field, and he suckled him with honey out of the rock, and oil out of the flinty rock.” Deuteronomy 32:10-13

There are many references in Scripture to the wilderness. Interestingly, it not only represents a time of hardship and suffering, but many times the desert is also a place of spiritual sanctuary, a place where God cares especially tenderly for his precious children. As I wrestle and struggle under the loving watch-care of my Father I have the opportunity to allow the pain to strengthen my character, much as the physical pain of athletic training builds up muscle. God allows suffering in my life to help me develop the godly character I long to possess.

“…we rejoice in our sufferings , knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:12

7. Suffering brings with it a unique blessing, when we endure the suffering in a godly way.

Sometimes I find myself clinging to the false idea that those who serve God faithfully shouldn’t have to suffer. For example, since we’ve already sacrificed the last 10 years of our life to the completion of seminary so that Seth can serve God in the teaching capacity to which he has been called I find myself believing we should be exempt from further life complications. When I admit to this mindset I realize how laughable it is. Of course faithfulness doesn’t exempt us from further suffering—you can open to nearly any book of the Bible to find ample proof of that! Still, God notices the quantity of our sufferings. He allows some of His children to suffer more than others (and I fully realize that many have suffered far more than we have), but those to whom this hard calling is assigned will also receive a unique blessing. All will eventually be made right by a just God who loves His children.

“For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God.” I Peter 2:19-20

“But even if you suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed.” I Peter 3:14a

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted…. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 5:4, 10

8. Suffering teaches us to live no longer for human passions, but for the will of God.

Somehow in the times when I grasp, even for a few moments, what is truly and eternally important, the “stuff” of life just doesn’t matter that much. It’s not easy to keep in perspective how temporary and fleeting my small life really is, but suffering reminds me to line up my priorities with that which truly matters, sometimes by depriving me of my agenda.

“Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God.” I Peter 4:1-2

9. Suffering causes us to ask God for good gifts, which He wants to give us.

“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” Romans 8:31-32

Because of the nature of our current difficulty, I have had to remind myself that God will provide, in His timing and way, the good things we are asking of Him. I have heard many say that God cares about our holiness far more than He cares about our happiness. I think this is a biblical statement. However, I think I can sometimes take that to mean that God doesn’t care at all about those things that would fall more under the “happiness umbrella.” This is a false belief about the nature of God’s love for me. As a parent I don’t always make decisions based on what will make my children happiest—if I did they would do nothing but watch movies all day long and their diet would consist of about 4 foods, which they would consume in large quantities for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. BUT, that doesn’t mean I don’t love to make them happy. If I have to choose something hard because it is best for them, I will do it, but if I can give them something pleasant without harming them body or soul, I will do it because I love them.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you, then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:7-11

10. Suffering is worth the privilege of knowing Christ Jesus, our Lord.

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.” I Peter 4:12-14

These 10 reasons help to answer my difficult question: “Why does God allow Christians to endure so much suffering?” As I finished reading in the pages of I Peter however, I was challenged to respond, not by endlessly searching to answer my why? questions, but by faithfully trusting my loving Father and continuing to obey Him daily.

“Therefore, let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.” I Peter 4:19

Finally, I was encouraged to remember the result of submitting to God’s perfect plan for my life, even when it hurts:

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” I Peter 5:6-10

Foundations for Biblical Counseling

This post is a bit out of the ordinary for me. Nevertheless, I was so struck by the profound implications of a recent study of a passage of Scripture I decided I needed to share publicly what I found there. I hope it will be an encouragement to you, dear friends, as it was to me. 

I have been digging back into some of my biblical counseling (my college major) textbooks lately and remembering with great awe how completely God has provided in His Word everything we need for life and godliness. In preparation for a meeting I had with a friend from church recently, I was searching for a way to encapsulate the foundations for Biblical Counseling using an encouraging passage of Scripture--the idea of God Himself giving us hope that He can change us. I was personally encouraged that God has given us just such a hope in Romans 8:1-17. You may want to continue reading with an open Bible as I have not quoted the text here.

This passage contains some powerfully encouraging facts (for the Christian):

• I am no longer under God’s condemnation for my sin. (v 1)
• I am set free from “the law of sin and death.” (v 2) This means I don’t have to do these things anymore. Sin has no power over me! 

  “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm, therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 6:1 (emphasis mine) 

• The Law condemns me since the Law is a perfect standard and is therefore unattainable. With it alone, because of my sin, I could not reach God. I was hopeless. (v 3)  But!, I am no longer dominated by sin. My nature has changed.  When I became a Christian I began to walk by the Spirit, bearing the very seal of God. (v 4) 

  "And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee." 2 Corinthians 1:21-22 (emphasis mine)

  
  

  "But God's firm foundation stands, bearing this seal: 'The Lord knows those who are his,' and 'Let everyone who names the name of the Lord depart from iniquity.'" 2 Timothy 2:19 (emphasis mine)

• My mind is set (by God) on the Spirit. (v 6) This is not a matter of mustering up the goodness to keep my mind there by sheer willpower. It is set there by God as a fact of my salvation. (see v 5)
• I have life and peace with God through the Spirit. Notice Paul doesn’t say “to set the mind on the Spirit leads to life and peace” it says “to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” It's already done. No condemnation (see v 1).
• Because I am “in the Spirit” I am not in the state described in verses 7-8 (hostile to God, does not submit, can not submit, can not please God.) (v 9)
• My body is dead because of (my) sin, but the Spirit in me is life because of (Christ’s, not my) righteousness. (v 10)
• God gives me life through the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead. Not just eternal life, but life in my "mortal body." I am reconciled to God so that I can live on this earth the way He intended for me to live. Jesus said, 

  "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10 (emphasis mine)

Only after I remember these remarkable facts about my salvation am I urged to change the way I live. In his commentary on Romans, John MacArthur points out, "All biblical exhortations to believers are based on the blessings and promises they already have from the Lord. Without the provisions we have from Him, we would be unable to fulfill the commands we receive from him."

Based on the facts above I am strongly urged to respond:

• by no longer acting as if I have an obligation to live according to the sin that seems, some days, to permeate every pore of my being. (v 12)
• by recognizing that living according to my sin makes me miserable and separates me from God. But even as I resolve to "put off" my perceived obligation to sin I must "put on" a conviction of the truth that by the Spirit I can put to death the deeds of the body and LIVE! (v 13) 

  "...put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and...be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and...put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:22-24

• by not falling back into slavery and fear, but instead choosing to dwell securely in the love of my new adoptive Father. (v 15)
• by recognizing the hope I have: hope for now, that I can conquer sin in my life and live in freedom, and hope for eternity, that I will one day, at last, be glorified with Christ.

I was so encouraged in reading and studying these verses! They give me hope and courage, strength and understanding of my position. They tell me that change is possible, freedom is possible, righteousness and godly living are possible for me to attain. What an encouraging thought! I hope you are also encouraged in that thought today.

Comfort

O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

The Incident: The Summary (Boy) Version

Read this version by Seth if you are wondering what happened but don't necessarily want all the "for posterity" details. It is a slightly modified version of an email he sent to his coworkers.

Kiersten and the kids were visiting my sister in Nashville this last weekend, giving me time to try and finish the defense draft of my dissertation which was due on Wednesday, Sept. 2^nd. Benjamin, as most of you know, has had some severe allergies ever since he was born, and has to do a daily breathing treatment to help with his asthma. On Sunday night, Benjamin had a very severe asthma attack, was gasping for breath even after a breathing treatment, and was very drowsy because he was not getting enough oxygen into his blood stream. Kiersten took him to the emergency room of the local hospital, and during the next few hours the doctors ran a variety of tests and treatments to help Benjamin’s situation. In the end, the pediatrician there did not like the look of Benjamin’s oxygen levels and so he decided to transfer him to a Children’s Hospital in Nashville which was about 30 minutes away.

So in the middle of the night, Benjamin was transferred in an ambulance and was admitted to the Children’s Hospital where they ran another series of tests and procedures. In the morning, I decided to leave behind my dissertation and all my plans for the week and to go to be with my family. I spent Monday morning driving down there, and spent that afternoon and evening at Benjamin’s side allowing Kiersten to get some much needed rest.

When I arrived, Benjamin looked terrible. He was on a medication that did not allow him to eat or drink anything, so he was very lethargic. But after a few hours, after the medication had worn off, they let him drink some water. A couple hours after that they let him resume eating. After he ate, he perked right up and was talking, playing with toys, and was his cheerful self once more. However, he stayed in the hospital a second night and they continued to give him breathing treatments every few hours.

By Tuesday morning, he was doing much better and was cleared to leave the hospital. We spent the rest of that day preparing to leave the hospital (we didn’t actually leave until lunchtime), preparing for the trip home, and driving back to Louisville. We pulled into our driveway about midnight. Wednesday was spent getting caught up on rest and getting settled back into normal life.

This whole ordeal has helped Kiersten & I to rethink some things. First of all, we are all the more thankful for the precious children that God has blessed us with, and we are thankful for the ways that God helped our family through this crisis. God was faithful to us in so many ways.

Secondly, we are no longer trying to get me to graduation as quickly as possible, no matter what the cost. Our family made a lot of sacrifices this last month as I was trying to meet the September 2^nd deadline. We are now pulling back and slowing things down. It looks like I will be walking in May instead of December as we had hoped, but we feel that that is what is best for our family.

Thirdly, since we are taking a more moderate pace with my dissertation, we are moving ahead on some other projects, including a local move. The house we currently live in is 900 square feet, and our family is quickly outgrowing it. So if you are here in town and know of a good house for rent, please let us know.

The Incident: The "Details" (Girl) Version

For all you "Lost" fans--Seth has dubbed the following "The Incident."

WARNING: This post is extremely long. Skim as you desire. Or read Seth's (boy) version in the post to follow. FYI, look for links throughout for explanation on some of the more "technical" aspects of the story.

At 8:30 Sunday night I took Benjamin to the hospital. At 11:30 Tuesday morning we got out of the hospital and began to re-think life. To an even greater depth we have realized that Benjamin has some significant challenges, but that doing what we must to deal with those challenges is a small price to pay for our precious little guy.

But I'll return to the beginning of this story.

Last Friday morning the kids and I packed up the van and made the three hour trek to Seth's sister's house in the Nashville area to spend a few days with them while Seth worked to finish the first defense draft of his dissertation for his September 2nd deadline. We planned to return to Louisville the afternoon of the 2nd to celebrate this huge milestone with Seth.

All day Sunday Benj seemed to be coughing more than normal. By evening I was growing more concerned as the dry, tight cough became almost continuous. After dinner we went to a nearby playground and his coughing seemed to get better. However, when we returned home he began to cough again and complain that he was "doing hard breathing," his phrase for needing a nebulizer treatment. His complaining quickly became very agitated crying. He told me several times, "I can't breathe!" His mounting hysteria, alternating with moments of sudden sleepiness where his eyelids would suddenly become "heavy" and his body would go semi-limp, scared me. I prepared a breathing treatment for him as fast as I could. As soon as I started the nebulizer I called the pediatrician on-call with our group. He recommended that I take him to an urgent care so they could make sure his oxygen levels were ok. Meanwhile, Benjamin continued to cough through the treatment with no change in the sound or intensity. After the treatment was over he quickly became very upset again, even to the point of throwing himself on the ground, writhing as though in great pain. A minute later he lay limp and listless on the floor as I tried to finish putting his pj's on. I picked him up and laid him on my bed where he fell asleep so immediately it almost seemed as though he had passed out. I told my sister-in-law I was going to have to take him to the emergency room.

I left Talia watching Charlie & Lola with her cousins, explaining to her that Mama had to take Benjamin to the doctor and that Uncle Phil would put her to bed. She was unconcerned with this unusual procedure and gave me a hurried kiss without comment. We packed Benjamin and Leila (who would soon need to nurse) up in the van and I followed my sister-in-law to the local hospital emergency room.

Soon after we arrived Benjamin was evaluated in triage and taken to a bed separated from the other emergencies of the night by a few curtains. He was almost immediately placed on oxygen while various doctors and nurses evaluated the situation. Over the next few hours Benjamin's oxygen levels were monitored while his chest was x-rayed for pneumonia and his blood was drawn for labs. He was given a steroid shot, some antibiotics for ear infection, and an hour-long breathing treatment during which he fell asleep. Around 11:00pm we thought things were going fairly well and expected that we might return home before midnight. My cell phone was not getting reception in the basement-level room so I stepped out to call Seth and tell him things were going fine. After a long period of waiting (for what we thought might be the x-ray results) the doctor came back in and announced that Benjamin's oxygen levels were not as high as he would like to see. He called in a pediatrician to evaluate. Some time later the pediatrician came in and after some questioning and examination started an IV and nasal cannula and told me that he wanted to admit Benjamin overnight--he was still working too hard to breathe. At this point he was considering transferring Benj to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital, but ultimately decided he could remain at the current hospital for the time being.

Around 12:30am Vicki went home while I prepared to spend the night with Benjamin. We were moved to a room on the pediatric floor a little after 1:00am where Benjamin was given another breathing treatment. Throughout the various procedures, starting with the oxygen tube and IV in the ER, Benjamin was very upset. At least twice he cried hard for over an hour, saying "no, no, no" over and over. Finally, after we were in our room for over an hour, Benjamin was able to calm down and go back to sleep. The nurse helped me set up the cot for me to sleep on and I laid down, exhausted and ready to sleep. Just a few minutes later she returned to the room saying that Benjamin's oxygen saturation was below 94% and, following the doctor's orders, they were going to need to transfer him to Vanderbilt. She told me she was going to call an ambulance and start the paperwork for the transfer.

Two EMTs soon arrived to take Benj, via stretcher, to the ambulance. I was told I would not be able to ride with him as I still had Leila with me. When they picked him up to carry him to the stretcher waiting in the hall, he started screaming and reaching for me. I held him and for the first time the tears welled up in my eyes. I assured him I would follow right behind the ambulance and I would be there when he got to the other hospital. As one EMT gave me directions in case I lost the ambulance the other got down next to Benjamin and began to soothe him. He asked the nurse for a tissue and dried Benj's tears. He told him that he had a little boy who was his age. By the time we were ready to walk down the hall Benj was totally calm and even managed to tell the nurse "bye" and "thank you." One of the EMTs carried Leila's carrier so I could hold Benj's hand and get him situated in the ambulance. The male EMT rode in the back with Benj and pointed out several times during the trip that I was driving right behind them.

En route to Vanderbilt around 3:00am (4:00 in Louisville) I was finally able to contact Seth. (My cell phone had no reception the entire time we were in the first hospital, aside from walking outside. Vicki had called him when she left the ER earlier in the night.) I woke him up, but I knew that he needed to hear from me. He was worried by the earlier news that they were keeping us overnight, and even more so when he heard that we were being transferred to a hospital in Nashville (30 minutes away) and that Benj was in an ambulance. At that point I still wasn't sure how bad things were and encouraged him to at least sleep the rest of the night before making a decision about whether or not to come down.

We arrived at Vanderbilt without incident. I was a bit worried about how, exactly, to go about following an ambulance, but we drove "only" about 80mph and with no siren so I didn't feel too much like an ambulance chaser. Of course I had to park in the parking structure and so expected to have to find Benj when I got to the ER, but as I stepped out of the elevator I saw the driver of the ambulance waiting for me in the bay. They wanted Benjamin to be able to see me as soon as he came out. The EMT told me he had been totally calm throughout the entire ride, amazingly enough.

There was a team waiting for us in the ER. They immediately transferred him to a hospital crib and began to hook up all his monitoring equipment. When the attending doctor listened to his lungs he told me it sounded like pneumonia. I told him the chest x-ray had come back clear, which he found hard to believe. They started Benjamin on a "4-hour continuous" (breathing treatment). After the initial questions, evaluation, and treatment measures were complete our nurse was very helpful in explaining the concerns they had about Benjamin's condition. First of all his heart rate was very rapid (in the 150's-170's). This was partly due to the meds he was on, but also due to the fact that his body was working so hard to breathe. Second, his oxygen saturation was too low. While he was on the continuous, of course, he was maintaining 98-100%, but between previous breathing treatments he had only been maintaining 92-95% (the very bottom of the "acceptable" range). Finally, his respiration rate was in the 40's and 50's (respirations per minute). Later, when he was doing much better his respirations were in the low to mid 20's so early on he was breathing almost twice as fast as he normally does. This, along with moderate retractions indicated that his poor little body was fighting hard to breathe.

Around 4:00am things settled down in terms of bustle in the room. Due to lack of space they had put Benjamin in the trauma bay (where they normally receive patients involved in bad car accidents, etc.) so initially there was no place for me to even sit down. They managed to find me a rocking chair so I was able to rest and eventually even fall asleep for a few minutes. At 5:45am Seth called and asked for a status report. I remember telling him I was confused about how serious things were, but I was hoping to be able to talk to a doctor soon. Our conversation was interrupted by someone coming in to check on Benjamin. I was able to call Seth back about 45 minutes later and he told me he was all packed up and was coming down.

At 7:00am they were able to move us to a real room in the ER. The biggest "plus" about this move was that there was a TV which helped keep Benjamin's mind off of the breathing treatment which by this point was really bothering him. Several times in the previous couple of hours he had thrown an all-out temper tantrum about wearing the mask which he is only accustomed to wearing for 15 minutes at a time at home. The respiratory therapist who was overseeing Benjamin's treatment was thoroughly amused at how glued Benj was to that TV.

Over the next couple of hours the protest over wearing the mask took a backseat to Benjamin's desire for something to drink. Unfortunately we were unable to give him anything to eat or drink as the medication he was on would have caused certain vomiting. They were also still leaving open the possibility that they would need to intubate (for which he would need to have an empty stomach). I stood by his bed and held him as he cried over and over for water, desperately wishing I could give it to him, aching to comfort him. It seemed as though everything he cried out for I could not give him. He wanted the mask off--It had to stay on. He wanted water--He couldn't have it. He wanted to go home--We had to stay there. His most poignant plea was for his sister. "I want Talia," he wailed.

Sometime mid-morning they took him off the continuous breathing treatment (which he had been on for over 4 hours) and replaced it with oxygen to see how his body would respond. In order for us to be released he needed to be able to go 4 hours between breathing treatments (with good oxygen and respiration levels). After only 30-40 minutes his oxygen saturation was consistently in the 88-92% range, lower than ever, and bordering on dangerous. They put him back on the continuous and told us we would most likely not be going home that day. Various medical personnel also continued to comment that they could hear pneumonia in his lower right lung. Each time I repeated that his chest x-ray had been clear they were shocked but multiple examinations of the x-ray confirmed that there was, indeed, no pneumonia.

By 11:00am I was reaching the end of my emotional strength. Benj was crying, Leila (who had been mostly in her car seat for hours on end) was crying. Holding Benjamin's hand I sat next to his bed and silently let the tears flow, praying for strength. Providentially, about 20 minutes later my sister-in-law arrived with Talia and 5-10 minutes later Seth arrived. Benjamin was very much comforted by his sister's presence and when Seth arrived Benj cried for Daddy to hold him, which Seth did despite all the tubes & wires attached to his body. Both Vicki and Seth had brought Benjamin some comfort items (his blankie, various "friends" with whom he sleeps, movies, and favorite toys). He was glad to see some familiar things although he was able to do little more than hold them as he lay there.

A little after noon Vicki, Talia, Leila and I left Benj & Seth watching a movie and went home to get some sleep. Just before we left we found out that Benjamin was responding well enough to being back on the continuous that he would be admitted on the regular pediatric floor instead of the ICU.

Once "home" I was able to sleep for most of 4 hours. When I woke up I called Seth and found out that Benjamin had definitely turned a corner! After about 2 hours he was able to go off the continuous. As a result he had been able to have some small sips of water and a couple of hours after that they had allowed him to eat. I could hear a child chattering in the background as I talked to Seth but as I assumed they were still in a double-occupancy room I didn't think much of it. When Seth explained that they had been moved to a private room I realized, "You mean that's Benjamin talking and laughing?!" Aside from moaning and crying he had probably spoken less than 10 sentences since we had entered the ER the night before. Apparently after he ate he had perked right up. I was so profoundly relieved and thankful to hear him playing in the background.

After dinner I packed up a few extra things (Vicki had brought me some essentials earlier in the day) and prepared to spend the night at the hospital so Seth could come home and get some good sleep. (Earlier Vicki, Seth and I had compared notes and found out that between the 3 of us we had gotten a grand total of 6 hours of sleep!) Benjamin had been moved from the ER to the 7th floor and when I arrived was just being served his dinner. It was so wonderful to see him sitting up in bed, playing with his cars with pink cheeks and a smile on his face. He ate with a little less gusto than normal, but well nonetheless. As Seth updated me on the events of the last several hours I learned that he had been moved from 1 to 2 to 3 hours between breathing treatments and was doing well with the gradual increase. He had also been taken off the oxygen and was maintaining his levels at increasingly acceptable percentages on room air.

After Benjamin finished his dinner and played a little more, we got him ready to go to sleep. He had really only gotten a few hours off and on throughout the previous night and had not napped at all during the day. After brushing his teeth and getting him settled back into bed I pulled the sheet up and we kissed him goodnight. He was asleep only seconds later. After Leila's final feeding of the night Seth took her and left to go home and sleep. I laid down not long after and tried to sleep. At first I jumped up to stand by his bed every time someone came in to check on him. At midnight a respiration therapist came to give him a breathing treatment and was surprised to find that his lungs sounded perfectly clear. Evidently Benj had developed quite a reputation and she had been told not to expect very much or very quick improvement. She even let me listen to him, commenting, "he's passing air better than I am!" I was encouraged to also find that the monitor was reading 96-98% oxygen saturation. She told me she was going to try to let him go the "magic" 4 hours between treatments. She was able to administer the treatment without waking him up.

After this good news I slept soundly not waking up until, at 7:00, I heard Benjamin whispering, "I have to go potty!" I learned from his nurse that all had continued to go well during the night, they had been able to move him to the 4-hour mark with good results. She promised that if he ate and drank well at breakfast that she would be able to take him off the IV fluids.

Not long after he had finished his breakfast a resident came in to do his morning exam and while he was in the room the supervising doctor came in to tell us he was there to discharge us! By the time Seth arrived with Leila we were packed up and ready to go home. (Talia had gone with Aunt Vicki to work that morning, a perfect option as Vicki teaches 2 year olds at a local preschool.) It took us a couple more hours to actually be able to leave as we had to wait on Benjamin's new medications and the respiratory therapist to teach us how to administer them. He was given a different inhaled steroid than he had previously been on and the doctor also wanted us to switch from giving him nebulizer treatments to using a metered-dose inhaler.

Around 11:30am we were finally able to take our precious Benjamin home, healthy once again. Of course we were still 3 hours from our home and so we planned to return to Phil & Vicki's to pack up to return to Louisville that evening. Back at the house Benjamin wholeheartedly resumed "normal activity," as his discharge instructions from the hospital indicated he should. He was running around with his cousins in no time, like nothing had happened. We left around 7:00 that evening (8:00 in Louisville) and, due to some traffic and a rest stop for Leila to eat, pulled into our driveway around midnight.

Benjamin is recovering well. We saw his pediatrician Thursday morning who indicated that he was still wheezing slightly and had us resume his bronchodilator (albuterol) for 3 more days. Naturally we had questions about what caused this unprecedented asthma attack. Obviously no one knows for sure but all the doctors involved agreed that it was probably a combination of factors. Our pediatrician seemed more in favor of blaming his allergies and asked me to follow-up with a return visit to the allergist in a few weeks to evaluate possible changes in his allergies and needed treatment. The doctor who discharged us at Vanderbilt also told us that at the time we were there they had about 40 respiratory patients, pointing to an environmental cause. Changes in weather and other illness (common cold symptoms) are also common causes of asthma flare-up. All these factors pertain somewhat to this situation and probably all contributed somewhat.

Our next step is to continue our current regimen and get Benjamin completely well. After this we will pursue a visit to the allergist for possible further allergy testing (he has not previously tested positive for any environmental allergens but we have had reason to suspect before this incident that he had developed some sensitivity in this area). I am also curious to learn if he could now benefit from immunotherapy (allergy shots) as we know from his latest allergy test at the pediatrician's office that his dog allergy has gone up significantly since we last saw the allergist.

I mentioned at the beginning that this adventure has caused us to re-think life a bit. First of all we have been reminded in a very profound way how thankful we are for the precious children God has blessed us with. I can't tell you how many times I have been overwhelmed with emotion as I have sat with the kids at the breakfast table, read them stories, or just watched them playing. I have been very prone to sudden urges to take them in my arms and squeeze them tightly, sometimes much to their protest! Secondly, we are no longer pursuing Seth's graduation at all costs. We are still planning for him to finish his dissertation fairly soon and to graduate with his long-pursued PhD, but on the other side of this ordeal frankly it seems much less important than it did a week ago. Our entire family has made many sacrifices over this past month to try to enable Seth to meet the September 2nd deadline for his defense draft. To put it simply we do not have the strength or the desire to push ourselves and our children to this extreme any longer. As a result it looks like Seth will be walking in May instead of December as we had hoped, but in the grand scheme of things this really doesn't change things significantly. In fact, in terms of the next chapter in our life, it doesn't change things at all. We were planning to remain in Louisville at least until next summer as there are not many teaching positions that open up mid-school year.

In conclusion, we are very thankful for God's faithfulness, not only in the details of this circumstance, but in guiding us step by step each day. We are at peace with both the progress and the outcome of this situation, knowing that God was and is fully in control of every detail. We are also so thankful for you, our faithful friends and family who have not only persevered this far in reading this saga :), but have prayed and supported us through this and many other difficult circumstances. We are so grateful for your faithful love.