Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 4b

Last Friday I shared this lesson: Don't measure yourself by someone else's standard, the results will not be accurate! Just as Benjamin and Talia will obtain different results when they measure the same rug using their own (different sized) feet, we will gain a skewed perspective when we measure our success by the achievements of others.

As I understood that "I can't expect my life to look like someone else's because we don't have the same life", I began to realize I should measure myself by a unique standard because of the following four (at least) factors:

• Different priorities. Here's the thing: all those women I envied didn't care about the exact same things I care about. There are facets of life and parenting that are important to me which may be only marginally, or not at all, important to others. Likewise, a season of life may lend a greater sense of urgency to certain endeavors. Choices about child discipline, finances, lifestyle, goals, health, and reaching out to others (and how these all come into balance with one another) are just a few of the factors that will cause even families who share the same basic core beliefs to operate quite differently from one another.
  
  In the trenches we had a few simple priorities: to continue to honor and serve God, to keep our marriage strong, to raise our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, and to finish the degree! (OK, there might have been a few more things sprinkled in there, but you get the idea.) I've talked before about my part in the dissertation writing process, mainly to take care of many of life's details so Seth could focus on writing. In light of this, one of my most basic priorities while we were in survival mode was to keep things simple. If I got too elaborate in my daily routine or too ambitious in my project list I inevitably ended up stressed out and burned out. Grouchy too. I had to learn to let go of my lovely idealistic picture of what it meant to be a good mom and instead to embrace our family's priorities and the activities that went with them.

• Different circumstances. Although we moms tend to group ourselves by various factors (I place myself in groups like this: moms of multiple children, moms of toddlers/preschoolers, homeschoolers, stay-at-home moms), our circumstances often vary widely. Number of children, season of life, health challenges ... many factors make up the specific set of circumstances in which each of us parent.

As Seth and I strove to work as a team to complete his doctoral program I gradually came to realize that I was not superwoman! And while we’re on the subject, let me just blow that one wide open: the superwoman image is a myth! None of us can do it all, but for some reason we keep feeling like we need to pretend that we can. Sometimes we do this by maintaining a front (always having the right answer, never sharing our struggles, even blog posts can contribute to this "I have it all together" lie if we're not careful). Sometimes we just hold ourselves to impossibly perfectionistic standards. This is nothing more than pride! During dissertation days there were some things that were just beyond the scope of my abilities at that time, and that was perfectly OK. It was (and is) ridiculous for me to waste one ounce of emotion feeling guilty for being human.

• Different personalities (and different parenting styles). We all know that personalities are as varied and unique as the billions of individuals who make up the population of the world. I have come to the conclusion that the same is true of our “mommy personalities” (parenting styles). I have never met even one other mom who handles every single situation the same way that I do. And since that is true it only makes sense that there is really no such thing as one standard by which I can measure my effectiveness as a mom.

In the early days, while I was still trying to keep up with Mrs. Jones, to modify the cliché, it eventually became clear to me that my son's behavior was suffering for my wandering. Benjamin was a very, VERY stubborn infant & toddler. He didn’t exactly catch on quickly when it came to learning acceptable (and unacceptable) behaviors and often required much more discipline than other children his age to acquire these skills. Consequently it was important to me to be VERY consistent with him in the beginning. Allowing even one loophole could cause him to persist in searching for another for weeks! I eventually found that in order to accomplish my goals for Benjamin I just couldn’t take the luxury of being “out and about” quite as much as other moms. It was important to me to be home where I could quickly and firmly administer effective discipline, as opposed to being at a playgroup or out shopping where I was more distracted and less free to deal promptly with situations that might arise.

• Different children. Both nature and nurture contribute to the wonderfully individual little people we have the privilege to raise. Each child comes with an ever-developing, unique combination of personality, physical ability, academic capacity, health factors, and spiritual understanding, to name a few of the many angles at which we must understand and guide our children. It therefore stands to reason that a one-size-fits-all "world's best mom" t-shirt isn't going to fit very many of us.

Some of you may have heard me mention before that my children hate crafts! Things have gotten a little better since we began homeschooling and they have learned that organized activity can be fun, but the majority of the time they balk at the idea of sitting down at the kitchen table to engage in some little activity I have cooked up for them. It used to make me mad. "What is wrong with these children??," I would say to myself after some attempt at fun dissolved into yet another round of complaining. I have no idea why some kids love to create and mine don't, but I've since decided not to stress out about it. Their minds are active and constantly learning: they spend hours in imaginary play!, they love music!, they tell me stories!, they love to read! Ultimately, does it really matter if we do themed crafts for every holiday or have boxes of artwork to tuck away for posterity? There are some ideals I just have to let go for the sake of loving my children for who they are.

When we consider our unique priorities, circumstances, personalities, and children it might be easy to come to the conclusion that these are the factors which should shape the unique standard by which we measure ourselves. The only problem, of course, is that although we think we know what is best for our lives, even our own intuition and best guesses are often flawed.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...." Proverbs 3:5 (emphasis added)

"All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the LORD weighs the heart." Proverbs 21:2 (emphasis added)

The unique standard by which we should measure ourselves, then, does not begin with our own knowledge, but is rooted, first and foremost in God's standard. And look what happens when we accept this:

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Trying to do it on my own, trying to be or do something for which God did not create me, trying to operate by a faulty standard, is a burden! Jesus says we must do three things to shed that burden. We must 1) realize our own efforts aren't making it ("come to me"), 2) submit to Him ("take my yoke upon you"), and 3) set our minds on his truth ("learn from me"). As we do that He will give us a different kind of a burden, a burden that isn't heavy because it's the one He created us to carry!

When I submit to God's plan for my life and quit carrying around the burden of that false standard, whatever it may be, I am free to see that my life, measured by His standard, is found completely worthy because of Christ's blood shed to cover my sin. In this I can truly find rest. Praise God!

Other posts in this series:

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 1
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 2
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 3
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 4a

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 4a

4. Don't measure yourself by someone else's standard; the results will not be accurate!

A few weeks ago the kids and I were talking about measuring. We first explored the idea of a unit of measure. How many papers long is Daddy's desk? How many Talias long is this wall? How many Benj-hands wide is this doorway? Next we progressed to learning some vocabulary for measuring. I explained that one unit we can use to measure is feet. Having just experienced measuring with various implements, including their own body parts, the kids latched right on to the idea of measuring in feet. I set them to the task of measuring the length of our school room area rug in feet. Confidently they each began to mark off the prescribed distance in a heel-to-toe pattern, counting meticulously: one ... two ... three ... four. But there was a problem! When they reached the other end, each came up with a different answer. This, of course, was the point of my little educational activity: an introduction to the need for a standard unit of measure.

It is a simple illustration with an obvious (to those of us who aren't 4 and 5 years old) outcome. Yet, how often do we employ the same childish technique of measuring ourselves by someone else's standard? According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, one of the earliest meanings of the word standard was simply, a "unit of measure." It later took on the meaning "authoritative or recognized exemplar of quality or correctness." We often take what we would call someone else's "standard" and apply it to ourselves using the second meaning, rather than the first; at least I do!

I'll admit it: I got sucked in. As a new-ish mom with two small children, I knew just enough about the attractions of the online social world known to some as "mommy blogs" to get myself in trouble. For a time I read blog post after blog post written by these amazing women, some of them friends, all of them roughly my age and at my stage of life, who were doing all these wonderful, perfect, amazing things with their lives. Their children were always groomed perfectly with adorable little hairstyles and designer clothes. They always had amazingly artistic photographs of their children engaging in self-initiated creative activities or producing galleries of artistic wonders. Their houses were always spotless. Their days were always spent baking artisan bread, taking picturesque picnic lunches to the local park, and refinishing furniture to decorating perfection. Well, some of them were doing some of these things, some of the time. But I put all those lovely pieces together in my head and was convinced (and yes I do realize that this is a completely irrational statement) that somehow everyone else's life looked like that, and mine? well, mine was an endless mountain of dirty dishes and squabbling preschoolers. In my mind there was a mommy standard, in the "recognized exemplar" sense, and I wasn't meeting it.

I wish I could remember exactly how the realization came to me, but one day it crystallized, just as clearly as if I had always known it: I can't expect my life to look like someone else's because we don't have the same life! Once again, it was an embarrassingly simple truth, but its very simplicity brought hope to my envy-sick soul. 

In the next post we will delve into 4 reasons we should measure ourselves by a unique standard, and how we can find rest in establishing the correct standard.

Other posts in this series:

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 1
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 2
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 3

BEST diaper deal EVER!

It's been awhile since I posted an awesome deal here. I know most of you aren't here to hear all the ins & outs of my shopping schemes, but this is a deal post I couldn't pass up. Ready?

I recently got a case of 204 diapers for $.38! As if that isn't incredible enough, I did it twice! And you can do it too! You will need a total of three Amazon diaper/baby store codes, found in many parenting magazines: two 20% off codes, expiring in different months, and one $10 off code.

A word about the codes: The codes are found on bright green cards inside the magazines. You can subscribe to two of the magazines that have been including the codes for FREE. Subscribe to Baby Talk and American Baby here. Additionally, Parents has offered a $1 subscription several times lately. The most recent one is here (Use the code: K4M8W9D. I'm not sure if it's still working.) Beyond the magazines you receive at home, you can find codes anywhere you are out & about. I find them almost every time I go to a doctor's office. Our pediatrician's waiting room has big stacks of free magazines such as Pregnancy & Newborn that have the codes in them. I have found it is pretty easy to get these codes. You can also ask others to keep an eye out for you. I have a friend who gets them from her mom who works in a doctor's office.

Once you have your codes, here's how to score your deal:

1. Join Amazon Mom. This is not only for moms-- Amazon says, "Despite the name, Amazon Mom is open to anyone who is responsible for caring for a baby or young child." This program entitles you to free 2-day shipping (no minimum) and 15% off select products, including diapers & wipes.
2. Click here to see a search page for disposable diapers, narrowed by the "Prime eligible" and "Subscribe & Save" options. "Prime Eligible" means products eligible for free 2-day shipping. "Subscribe & Save" will save you an additional 15% (off the original price). You are "subscribing" to have the item shipped to you at regular intervals, but if you don't want to continue receiving shipments you can cancel your subscription anytime after your original order ships, per Amazon. You can also narrow your search by size or brand in the left-hand column. (If you want to do my $.38 deal specifically, I ordered Luvs brand, size 3, 204 ct.)
3. Click on the diapers you want to order. On the product page choose "Subscribe & Save" in the blue box in the upper-right of the screen. Click "Subscribe Now."
4. Sign in when prompted and enter delivery & payment information, as prompted.
5. When you reach the screen that says "Review and Submit Your Order" you will see a box on the right-hand side that says, "Do you have any gift cards or promotional claim codes?" Type the code from your green card in the box and click "Apply." You should see a line appear in the box above ("First Delivery Summary") that says "Promotion Applied" with an amount, reducing the total. Enter your other codes the same way. When you have entered all your codes you should see three separate lines with "Promotion Applied" amounts.
6. When you have reviewed all the information on this page, click the "Sign me up" button and your diapers will be on their way!
7. If you don't want to continue to receive shipments you will need to cancel your "Subscribe & Save." In my experience you need to wait several hours for your current order to ship. You can check the status of your order here. To cancel your "Subscribe & Save" click here.

Our Incredible Dentist Experience!

A few weeks ago I took the older kids to a new dentist. I searched the insurance website looking for a pediatric dentist, but I couldn't find one anywhere near us. I settled on a family dentist office close to our house (which is a feat, since we live out in the country :) ).


I tried to prepare the kids for what they might experience, thinking that Talia, who is in a fearful phase, would be especially anxious. I needn't have worried. The staff were incredible! They exclaimed over everything from their sweet faces to their shoes. They asked them tons of questions about themselves and then showed them all around the exam room before they even sat in the chair. They let them explore the equipment, push buttons, "ride" in the chair, and pick out a character toothbrush all before they even mentioned opening mouths.


When the time came to sit in the chair they each got to pick out a pair of sunglasses to wear when the hygienist turned on the bright, overhead lamp. These kids were in heaven! I'm sure they felt like movie stars!

The dentist was equally kid-friendly. She was hilarious and the kids liked her immediately. When we left each kid got stickers, a sugar-free lollipop, a new toothbrush, a mini tube of toothpaste, and a paperback book about going to the dentist, which the dentist had inscribed and signed. (The book was because it was their first visit to this office.) Needless to say they can't wait to go back to the dentist. Great job Mortenson Family Dental!

Laughter is Good Medicine - Talia edition

While Benj is a (little) man of fairly choice wit, Talia says funny things constantly. I sometimes regret that I can't possibly write down every single funny thing she says (onaccounta it might be a full-time job and I already have about 3 of those), but here are a few that made my journal....

When asked to recall the title of our "hymn of the month" Talia replied, "Great is My Thankfulness!"
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Talia was puzzled over the plot line in a story (the specific narrative escapes my memory). "Mommy?" I knew she was getting ready to ask me one of the serious of questions of life that are often occupying her thoughts. "Why did so-and-so disobey her Daddy?" Gearing up for a teachable moment I replied, "Well, why do you disobey your Daddy?" Without hesitation she replied, "Because I'm a kid!"
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Looking at Talia one morning at the breakfast table it hit me, as it often does, how quickly she is growing up and what a sweet young lady she is becoming. With affection in my voice I quietly mused, "When did you get to be such a big girl?" "Oh, just right now," she replied, "because I don't spill my cup."
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From the backseat of the car:
Talia (in complete exasperation): "Benj! You're stressin' me out!"
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Ode to Leggings, by Talia Ruth Rodriquez
"Blue and pink and yellow and pink and green and blue and more GREEEEEEEEN."
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When I asked Talia what she wanted for her birthday she answered, "I don't know. Whatever they want to give me is fine for the birthday girl."
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When Seth asked Talia what kind of cereal she wanted one Saturday morning she replied, "I would like Cheerios because it's whole grain."


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Some recent Talia-isms: (That girl sure has a knack for making up whacky things!)
-a "nose cuddle" = a tissue
-a "hootch" (oo pronounced like foot) = the snap closure on a storage box, or a seat belt
-"You scared my belly!" (Doesn't that describe that startled feeling so well?!)
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There was an old woman, and what do you think?
She lived upon nothing but victuals and drink;
Victuals and drink were the chief of her diet,
And yet this old woman could never be quiet.

While talking about this nursery rhyme one morning during school time I explained that it was about a woman who talked a lot. Talia, evidently feeling a kinship with her, said brightly, "I talk a lot!" Yes you do, little girl. Yes you do. :)

Laughter is Good Medicine - Benj edition

Here are some hilarious episodes with my favorite little guy. I've been collecting them for awhile. :)

Benj: I don't ever want to go to Egypt.
Seth: Why not?
Benj: Because they will make us work hard.
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One Wednesday evening after church we arranged with some friends for them to come over on Friday night. This conversation took place outside of the bathroom where I was waiting for Benj to finish going potty. When Benj came out of the bathroom our friend got down on Benj's level and said, "Hey Benj, can I come to your house on Friday night?" "Sure!," Benj agreed. Friday afternoon I told the kids, "Hey guys, Jesse is coming over tonight!" Benj shrugged as if this were old news. "Yeah I know," he remarked casually, "'cause I invited them!"

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One morning the kids were playing downstairs while I was doing some cleaning upstairs. Later I came down and found Benj, spread eagle across the doorway to our "exercise room" (an unfinished part of our basement which leads to the downstairs bathroom). He looked conflicted. "What are you doing, Benjamin?" I asked. "Well...," he said with a worried glance at Leila who was playing nearby, "I have to go potty, but I don't want Leila to come in here because I think there are spiders." Sweet boy. :) Always protecting his sisters!
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Speaking of protecting...
Benj: "I'm a good protector!"
Me: "How are you a good protector?"
Benj: "When we were at the Chick-Fil-A playground Talia said, 'BENJ!' and I zoomed right up those stairs!"
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We were in the car on our way home from church. Leila, who somehow equates riding in the car with a right to be drinking milk was fussing over her empty milk cup. Benj sagely offered a gem of wisdom, "You've got to put milk in it or she can't drink it."
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Benj on what part of the knight-slaying-dragon-and-rescuing-fair-princess story he liked best: (spoken with a glint in his eye) "The part where he was in DANGER."
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In early January Seth travelled to California for his grandmother's funeral. The Sunday he was gone I decided to get McDonald's for lunch to make things easier, but not wanting to take 3 children into McDonald's by myself, I opted for the drive-thru. Because I had to special order Benj's hamburger (no bun, no ketchup-- they contain corn syrup), they asked me to pull into a designated parking space to wait for our food. While I waited I called Seth. As we were chatting I started to realize, I had been waiting there a l-o-n-g time, like 20 minutes-long. As it turned out they somehow just lost our order and had no idea I was sitting there at all. By this time, of course, the kids were starting to wonder what was taking so long. I explained the situation briefly and told them it would be a few more minutes. In all seriousness Benj shared his deepest concern, "We will die if we do not eat!" (I told him, "Trust me, Buddy, you are a long way from dying." :) )
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When discussing relationships in royal families (such as the daddy is the king, the daughter is the princess, etc.), Seth asked the kids, "If you marry a king you become a what?" Benj replied, "A soldier."

Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 3

If you are just joining us, here are the first two posts in this series:
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 1
Lessons Learned in the Trenches: Part 2

3. Embrace your "Normal," whatever that may be.

Last spring I joined a Bible Study lead by my pastor's wife. God has since called them to another ministry, but I am so thankful that God used Ms. Lynette to speak truth into my life during the final months of the dissertation. Lesson #3 is one I learned from her.

I can hear Ms. Lynette's voice, quite clearly in my mind, "We've got to learn to live in our 'New Normal,' whatever that is! Sometimes we've just got to be big girls, quit whinin', and just do it!" (That, by the way, is a loose quotation. :) )


I confess, this was often precisely what I needed to hear. By the end of our PhD process I often did not feel like continuing to do the right thing, and even more often I struggled to think and believe the right thing. Too often I was "whinin'" in my heart, if not outloud. Of course, it wasn't a "New Normal" I was struggling with, but the old "Normal," which, in my mind was getting...well, old.

Looking back I can see a marked difference between the times I made wise choices despite my feelings (aka: embracing my "Normal") and the times I acted out of emotion (aka: discontentment with my "Normal"). Choosing to wash dishes, do laundry, make beds, bathe children, cook, and clean up messes, despite exhaustion and the overwhelming temptation to sit at my computer in my pajamas all day, often lifted my spirits and renewed my energy. Giving into the temptation to neglect my responsibilities, however, lead to despondency, further exhaustion, and a greater struggle with sins such as anger, impatience, and selfishness.

Not surprisingly, this observation mirrors a biblical principle:

"Each one should test their own actions...for each one should carry their own load.... Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:4-9

God tells us we should test ourselves to see if our actions measure up to the responsibilities He has given us. Our actions are the seeds we sow. If we act to please ourselves God plainly tells us we will reap destruction. Applications of this include spiritual consequences (such as defeat in struggles with sin, a sense of separation from God), emotional consequences (such as depression, fear, guilt, shame, anxiety, anger), practical consequences (such as problems in relationships, losses, fruitless efforts), and even physical consequences (such as sleeplessness, lack of energy, stomach issues). If, however, we act to please the Spirit, we will reap the freedom of living life as God intended.

God gives each of us different sets of circumstances for different seasons of our lives. We aren't always going to feel happy or fulfilled in what He has called us to for any given season. But, as Ms. Lynette so clearly impressed on me, embracing "Normal" means we have to keep doing the right thing, even when we don't feel like it, trusting that the emotion will eventually follow.