Well Said!

I received this article in my inbox today. It made me wish for a moment that it might be appropriate to hand out photocopies next time I am traveling with my children. Instead I'll be content to post it here. Who knows, maybe some of you know these people and you can set them straight!

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A friend recently sent me a link to a blog that started with a mother asking the advice of others about how to travel with her several small children across the country by plane during the holidays-to visit a sick father, as it turned out.

What was fairly shocking was the amount of virulent anti-child feeling that her question elicited, with comments such as she should just stay home, and why didn't she think of that before she had the children?

Now, granted, I have had my share of annoying experiences with kids kicking the back of my seat and wailing babies. But the idea that parents and their children do not have the right to participate in the world with the rest of us is deplorable.

There is probably not a one of us who has not felt the grip of desperation when our young children just were unable to be reasonable and self-controlled when out in public; when fatigue and strangeness made them into persons with whom we would rather not have admitted kinship.

The very unpredictability of small children reminds me of my puppy. At nine months, she elicits a lot of attention, with perfect strangers walking up to ask if they can pet my dog. I feel quite justified in saying that I can't really predict how this puppy will behave.

Why should parents and kids not be allowed the same latitude of tolerance and distance?

Surely those of us who are not currently in the throes of parenting young children can have a modicum of sympathy for those parents who are trying to get through an experience with their out-of-control offspring.

Whatever happened to the notion that we're all in this together, that those of us who are coping okay can lend a hand to those who need some extra help?

Parents are able to do their best job of being patient when they feel supported, not harassed. When children feel that their parents are calm and in control, that helps them remember the life lessons they are gradually learning about appropriate behavior.

Why should parents even have to ask for the help and tolerance of onlookers, who have no doubt been in similar positions at some point in their lives?

Surely as a people we have not become so caught up in our own lives and preferences that we cannot help and support parents in doing their most important work -- guiding their young children and getting them through new or difficult situations.

So, whether you are a parent who has found yourself in situations where you desperately feel the need for help and support, or someone who could easily give that help (rather than disapproval), let's remember that it is in the best interests of us all to help children feel that the world around them supports them and their parents. Then they will want to become a part of that loving community, and we all are strengthened.

© Growing Child 2009

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Having already betrayed my agreement with the author, I do have to insert here that I also believe we as parents of small children have a responsibility to remember, model, and teach our children the "preciousness of others." This is a concept that reflects a belief that other people are 1) more important than ourselves and 2) valuable to God and therefore to be treated with value (by us).

It is not appropriate for me as a mother to consider only the preferences and needs of my small family when making decisions that will affect a larger body of people. For example, it is my preference that our children maintain a minimal intake of sugar on a normal day. When we travel, however, I pack large quantities of tasty treats in our carry-on luggage, knowing that a bag of VeggieTales fruit snacks may well be a useful distraction from an ill-timed temper tantrum. Under normal circumstances we do not believe it would be appropriate for us to dissuade undesirable behavior through bribery or distraction. Our normal pattern when dealing with a temper tantrum is to confront and discipline. But when we are traveling we consider that the comfort of the people around us is more important, in that moment, than our overall parenting goals. Our temporary goal becomes to quiet our screamer as quickly as possible in order to show respect to those around us and to demonstrate to our children the preciousness of others.

I do not believe, therefore, that "parents who are trying to get through an experience with their out-of-control offspring" should feel as though they deserve a "blank check" merely because they are accompanied by miniature people. It is not my right as a parent to inflict the certain ill-behavior of my children on a crowd of unsuspecting travelers. It is my responsibility to exercise my authority over my children and if "out-of-control" characterizes their behavior on a regular basis common courtesy would dictate that I make other arrangements.