Is it just age 3? Lately Benjamin has been Mr. Contrary! For example:
Talia: "I see a bird."
Benj: "I don't see a bird."
(repeat until Talia dissolves into frustrated tears)
or
Benj: "What is that sound?"
Me: "It's that blue car that just drove by."
Benj: "It's not a blue car."
or
Benj: "There's Daddy's car."
Me: "That's Daddy's old car, now he drives the silver car we used to drive."
Benj: "Nope. No he doesn't."
I'm a bit confused about this whole post-modern denial of solid fact. The "nuh-uh/uh-huh" route seems a bit childish, but that's what these conversations feel like!
So...time to comment! This is a bit of a departure from my norm, but I would love to hear from all you wise parents about your experiences with contrary-ness and your ideas for weeding out that argumentative spirit.
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8 comments:
Last year, when my twins were 4, I renamed them "Defiance" and "Non-
Compliance." To be honest I can't remember which child had which nick-names. But at the time I couldn't decide which was worse: the child who just defies me, or the one who acts like he/she can't hear me! However you decide to handle it, it will pass with time.
Oh, I have so been where you are. Anna taught me not to engage in arguments with my kids, so at the first contradiction, I say, "You may not argue with me." I also say, "James, I am the mom and you are the child. I have been here longer and learned more, and I would never lie to you. You can believe that what I tell you is true." But I didn't say that when he was 3. I say that now. But I said the first phrase a lot when he was 3. And when Jonathan was 3. But the bottom line is that Benj is trying to control. Both you and Talia. It's just his new clever way of telling you no. It is disrespectful for him to contradict you. We just deal with contradictory speech in the same way we deal with any disrespectful behavior. Also, regarding his contradicting Talia, I would say, "She sees a bird, and you don't. You are different. Not the same!" And then I would forbid him to continue to contradict her and discipline him if he continues to do so. :) Hope that doesn't sound harsh and nasty. It's an effort to deal with his heart and his fleshly desire to be lord of all he surveys. But there have been times that James was just genuinely confused, and if I'm aware that's what's going on, then we just give explanation and talk about it. That works with James. Jonathan, on the other hand, after we give the explanation, listens to us, and then says, for example, "Well, I'm still going to pronounce it 'eh-mail' because that's how *I* say it." To which I say, "Well, you're welcome to pronounce it however you want, but you need to know that the correct pronunciation is 'ee-mail', and if you say it the right way, then people will know what you're talking about." Or something like that. Again, that's for when he's a bit older.
Elijah's the king of this. Unless it's something worth making a point over, I usually just let it go. Out of all the important things, whether or not the icecream truck sells icecream or popsicles is not a topic of conversation I even care to entertain. :)
Jordan is doing the same thing and she's 2 1/2, turning 3 in August. I do pretty much what Becky said- "I'm the Mom, you're the kid. Please do not argue with me." Jordan's been in a nasty frame of mind at times, and gets incredibly angry. She's also very disrespectful at times, and it's driving me crazy. It's kind of encouraging to hear that I'm not the only one going through this. I'm in the middle of a good book, too- "Don't Make Me Count to 3". Half the Christian world recommended it, so I thought I'd try it! So far it's interesting, but frustrating at the same time as I'm clueless on how to address heart issues with a 2 year old.
I agree that there is some sin in there... you could definitely address the issues of being kind to his sister and respectful toward his parents. But I also think that some of it is him learning that he can be a person with his own opinions. That he is a separate from his mom and dad and sister. That's a big step! He will get over his fascination with himself before too long and it will get better. He just needs to learn to express himself respectfully and kindly when his opinion differs from others. :-)
Yay, good conversation! Thanks, friends.
I'm trying different things and I think he's at least starting to learn the vocabulary (argue, contradict, etc.)--which for me always seems like the first step-- and be aware that arguing is not a recreational activity. It is good to remember, too, that behind it all is a normal developmental stage--thanks Lisa--and I'm not the only one!
Funny story: Talia actually helped me out with this one. We have the 1st Steve Green "Hide 'Em in Your Heart" CD--for those who aren't familiar it's Bible verses set to music. The kids listen to it constantly. One day I used Becky's line, "you may not argue with me" on Benjamin at the lunch table and Talia piped in, "Do ezy-ting wif-out ah-guing." (Phil 2:14, "Do everything without complaining or arguing.") Yes, precisely! :)
Grace, question for you... when you say you "let it go" how exactly do you accomplish this logistically? Benj seems to really need some kind of verbal response. If I don't say anything he will literally repeat himself 40 times. (The other day I walked away from him, came back 5 min. later and he was still repeating the same phrase over & over!) I don't know if this is preschoolers or just Benjamin. Ignoring just doesn't work with him. Just curious if you had something you actually say to diffuse the argument. I definitely agree with you that there are some battles not worth fighting.
Maren, I LOVE that book, but I had the exact same thoughts with regards to young children. Even at 3 1/2 Benj is not really old enough to ask those "heart probing questions." I have found that focusing more on concepts like teaching them the correct behavior/response (as opposed to just pointing out the undesirable behavior), rehearsing scenarios, etc. has been profitable with very young kids. And you can still give tell them what God says so they know Scripture is the basis for our expectations (ie: this is not just Mama's opinion). It will just be awhile before you can really get into the put off/put on stuff where they can actively engage in the process. Another trial & error thing I've picked up is in discipline at these very young ages I don't ask them why they are receiving discipline--I tell them. I try to tell them both the action AND the heart issue that was wrong ("you took that book out of your sister's hand; that was selfish.")
Kiersten, Elijah does the same thing with repetition. Naturally I think there are some arguments that may not take place, some things that mom and dad are right about and he may not be allowed to think he's right, that we don't let go. And truly I struggle regularly with the balance. But there are some things that are genuinely unimportant, and it will make no impact on his life, one way or another, what he believes, like my example of what kind of frozen treat is in the icecream truck. At those times I just let him think he's right. Maybe that sounds crazy. I just think some things are inconsequential. But he's young and ignorant of so many things- he just doesn't realize he's ignorant. One day he will- but I don't think he's old enough to understand he doesn't know everything, and I think that concept is a little over his head right now. Right now he is showing his confidence, and that is a wonderful quality to have!! I'm thankful that his "knowledge" is a testimony to the safety that we've provided in our home for him to grow in autonomy.
Grace, OH!--LOL! That didn't even enter my mind. Good thoughts.
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