Lessons Learned in the Trenches (of Doctoral Studies)

I started this post series in November. I decided to pull it out and dust it off since it's encouraging stuff I really want to share!

As I wrote a couple of days weeks months ago, I have recently been processing our whole school/Ph.D./dissertation experience at a deeper level. Honestly, I've been thinking to myself, "It's about time!" I have been wanting for some time to write about our experience, desiring to give personal testimony to the faithfulness of our mighty God. But the thoughts just would not flow. I didn't have a single idea for how to take the enormity of our experience over the past 11 years (and more specifically the microcosm of the past 2-3 years) and condense it into a meaningful composition. So I didn't write anything.

This morning it hit me: "Lessons Learned in the Trenches." Yes, that was the angle I had been searching for! God truly has taught me so many (many!) lessons, especially over the past 3 years which have easily been the hardest of my life. For so long the road seemed endlessly hard and the progress (especially in my own sinful heart) depressingly meager, but finally emerging from the shadow and standing here on the other side has allowed me to recognize just how much God has done in my heart. And so, as a testimony to God's amazing faithfulness and love, I would like to begin to share with you some of the lessons I learned in the trenches.

1. God is faithful, good, and loving all the time.

This sounds cliche and churchy, but it is truly the core of what I learned in the darkness. I found my belief in the validity of this statement challenged on more than one occasion as I processed the many, many challenges, setbacks, and disappointments of the final stretches of this hard road. But what I have come to believe, more firmly than ever, is that the human response of "how could God let this happen to me??" exists when we have a wrong view of God. It all comes down to who is on the throne of your heart.

Truthfully, I must admit that during the periods of greatest discouragement I wrestled with thoughts that maybe we were on our own; maybe God didn't care much about our misery.One of my recurring questions was why God would continue to allow setbacks and difficulties that were completely out of Seth's control to prolong suffering for our family. We prayed fervently that God would reward our diligence by orchestrating a timely end to the dissertation. We heard, "no" in answer to that plea several times before God finally gave us the desire of our hearts. More than once I looked at the long, dark tunnel still ahead and felt abandoned by God. One night as I expressed my feelings of abandonment to a friend she reminded me I was in good company--Jesus expressed precisely that anguish when he cried, "My God, why have You forsaken me?"

I don't pretend to know why God allowed Seth's Ph.D. work to drag on for so long, but I do know that for as long as I entertained any hint of the thought that the reasons were grounded in God's lack of concern and love for us I was tortured and miserable. Even as my faith was weak, again and again in the darkness God offered me rays of the light of His Truth. And the Truth was/is, it's not all about me! God's purpose for me is good, but the way that His purpose fleshes out in my life is about his world-wide agenda, not necessarily my moment-by-moment comfort. In tiny increments I began to understand, and finally to fully embrace beyond a doubt, that God is faithful, good and loving, even when I don't understand how that could possibly be true. Feeling abandoned by God is sometimes part of life (let me point again to Jesus), but that even in that pit God is there; the feeling that He is not does not alter this truth. Further, belief in truth I do not understand is a choice. When things are going badly I can choose to entertain lies that tell me God doesn't care about me or I can choose to simply say, I don't understand it, but I'm going to trust Him.

Stay tuned for:
Lesson 2: There's Always Something....

Snow Fun!

I have to admit, even with all the snow we have had this winter, Saturday was only the second day we went out to play in it. (The first was Thursday when I was frantically shoveling the driveway so Seth could get home.) Historically, Benj and Talia have not handled snow very well. Last year the few times they went out to play, they came in screaming bloody murder because it hurt for their feet and hands to thaw out. Even just getting into the car caused tears because the cold made their hands hurt. It just wasn't a real fun experience. So, combining the inevitable with all the jackets and hats and mittens and double layers and the lack of proper foot gear (I refuse to spend $20 on boots they would wear 2 or 3 times), I've been sort of resistant to getting us outside. But Benj has been asking, so I knew we needed to at least try.

Saturday was the day. We spent at least 40 minutes getting everyone dressed, tucked, and bundled. Decked out in fleece pants, covered by jeans, fleece sweatshirts, double socks, fluffy jackets, and waterproof mittens we made our way out into the world of white.

Seth had devised an impromptu sled, crafted from a moving box, some spare rope, and nylon straps (for the kids to hold on to). To the side of the house our yard slopes down to a little access road, so this became our bunny slope. The kids LOVED the sled. We pulled them down the hill over and over for nearly 2 hours. Even Leila got in on the action! We *all* had so much fun running and laughing and exploring and making a glorious mess of tracks in all that smoothness. When Talia got too cold standing in the snow (last year she refused to go out at all) she got out the tricycle and peddled around on the driveway, so even she enjoyed herself immensely.

The best part was: due to the invention of milk-free, corn-free hot chocolate, I was able to promise hot chocolate to everyone who came inside without throwing a fit. We came inside, stripped off everyone's outer layer, put the kids under my new electric blanket for a few minutes, and all was well! Maybe we will have more snowy experiences to share this winter.

Here are some pictures of the fun:

Benj tries out the make-shift sled Seth made for the kids

 

 Talia and Leila loving our little bunny slope

 I love this picture of Benj just glorying in plowing through that snow!

 So proud of his snow angel! He's been dying to make one all winter.

 Talia is not exactly a snow bunny, but she found something to do while she was taking a break!

 Leila explores the white stuff up-close and personally.

 Leila got brave enough to do the sled all by herself. She LOVED it!

 At the bottom of the hill with Daddy

 Leila sitting in the snow for the first time. She thought the whole experience was SO funny.

Goals for 2011

I know most people usually post a New Year-related post around, oh, say, the 1st of January. So, I'm a little behind. Meh {shrug}. Oh well. (On a related note, be looking for our Christmas New Years Family Update letter in your email inbox soon.)

Here are a few of my personal goals for 2011. I'm excited about everything God is teaching me already this year!

• God - to adopt prayer as a theme for direction and focus this year ...
• Seth - not sharing, but I have some :)
• Benjamin - to foster independence and eagerness to take on responsibility, to be more consistent about his allergy regimen (meds) and more creative with his food options
• Talia - to help her control her tongue and become more thoughtful of others through careful listening, to provide muscle-strengthening activities and experiences to challenge and strengthen her (she is diagnosed with low muscle tone)
• Leila - to read outloud to her more often, to implement physical therapy strategies consistently (No, she's still not walking; yes, she is 20 months old.), to monitor weight gain and healthy intake, to teach basic first-time obedience (another round of the "terrific two's" coming right up!)
• All Children - to teach them to work and serve others cheerfully through implementation of age-appropriate duties ...
• Taking Care of Myself (physically, mentally) - to run a 5K, to get up earlier than the children consistently, to get 7 hrs. of sleep every night, to read 12 challenging books on subjects such as parenting, educating children, biblical counseling, biblical topics, wisdom/life topics and to take notes/journal as I go ...
• Homemaking - to keep my plan simple enough that I will stick with it, to provide easy, fast, healthful, economic meals for my family that fastidiously accommodate Benj's allergies
• Teaching/Mentoring, Ministry & Relationships - I have several goals in this area, mostly involving specific relationships and ministry opportunities, which I'm not going to share publicly. The main focus of my goals in this area is to focus on my strengths (like one-on-one relationships) and not spend a lot of time and effort in areas where I am simply not gifted (like leading small groups).
• Finances - to continue to shop wisely and hunt for excellent bargains, but to let it occupy a much smaller chunk of my time and attention, to actively work to reduce our budget, not just get great bargains ...

Do you set goals for the New Year? What is your favorite goal for this year?

Benjamin's Hot Chocolate Recipe

I have been planning to try to create a corn-free, milk-free hot chocolate for Benjamin for a couple of months now. Yesterday after playing out in the snow I finally made this creation for him. It was his first hot chocolate ever! (I don't know why it never dawned on me to try it sooner.) He loved it!

Benjamin's Hot Chocolate
1 Tbsp. unsweetened cocoa powder
1-2 Tbsp. white sugar
a dash of salt
1 Tbsp. very hot water

Microwave these ingredients, 10 seconds at a time, until boiling.

Add:
3/4 cup soy milk (Silk brand is completely corn-free, 8th Continent has a small amount of xanthan gum, a corn-derived product, which doesn't bother Benj who is very corn-sensitive)

Microwave again until hot, but not boiling.

Add:
1/8 tsp. vanilla flavoring (Baker's, sold at Wal-Mart, is one corn-free brand)

Optional:
Add 2 Tbsp. or more cold soy milk to bring to drinking temperature.

Mary Kay Makeover!

Last night I had a Mary Kay party here at our house. Talia had been thinking about joining us for the party, but at the last minute decided to watch a movie with Daddy & her siblings downstairs. She was so disappointed at the end of the party that she had chosen the movie, "Miss Stephanie" (the Mary Kay consultant) took pity on her and left a color card (makeup samples) for us to play with. Talia and I had our very own private Mary Kay party this evening, complete with a makeover. Here is the lovely lady ...

Opening My Heart to God: A Year of Prayer

This is my theme for this year.

What's a theme, you ask? Oh good. I didn't know either. Not until a few months ago when Mrs. Katherine Magnuson shared the most unusual message with the ladies of the Wednesday morning mom's group at our church: "Choosing a Theme for Direction and Focus."

What is a Theme?
The basic premise goes something like this: a theme provides a focus for one calendar year, giving direction and promoting intentionality in your life which otherwise might be missed. The key tool you use in this endeavor is a journal.

When I think of a journal I think of a little notebook with a beautiful cover in which you write eloquently about your deepest thoughts and grandest experiences. I don't keep a journal of that type as it tends to induce a ridiculous amount of guilt in me when I can't keep consistent records. When Benjamin was a tiny baby I tried in vain to keep meticulous day-by-day records of the caliber I found in the journal my mother gave me which recorded nearly every day of the first year of my life. At some point I realized that I didn't even enjoy the sweet little moments anymore because I felt so guilty that I wasn't writing them all down, at which point I released myself from that unrealistic self-imposed obligation and started this blog. Well, that's not the kind of journal I'm talking about. A theme journal has no rules.

My theme journal will be kind of like my scrapbook for 2011. (Except scrapbooks, in the usual fancy sense of the word, also make me break out in great, big, guilt-induced hives and that's not the kind of scrapbook I'm talking about either.) I will carry my journal with me nearly everywhere I go (no worries if I forget it though, since there aren't any rules!) and simply take notes. I will record thoughts that might come to me as we're sitting at the allergist. I will take notes on conversations, or sermons, or ladies events, or whatever seems note-worthy to me as I go about my weeks. I will write down Scriptures or words to songs that speak to me. I will write down funny things my kids say. I might stick my name tag from a meaningful event to one page or the program from a concert to another. I will write down lists of prayer requests, or places we've visited, or books I've read. And I'm not going to care so much about how it looks, just that it's there. In so doing I am saying, "I care about my experiences" and "I want to be intentional with my life."

A Year of Prayer
So, now that we're on the same page, let me tell you about my theme. Since the day Mrs. Magnuson spoke to us about the value of having a personal theme for your year I knew that I wanted to do this and it quickly followed that my theme would be prayer. I have had the sense that this is the next big area of growth in my spiritual journey for several months now; a theme seemed to be the perfect vehicle for this growth. So I knew I wanted to focus on prayer, but I still wanted to find some kind of a catchy title that really expressed what I was trying to accomplish. I googled every form of "quotations on prayer" I could think of, but still hadn't really found anything that hit me. As I was talking with Seth one evening, telling him what I was trying to accomplish, he suggested, "What about 'Opening My Heart to God'?" Yes! That's exactly what I want to accomplish! I want to learn to simply tell God about everything that is on my heart and thus grow deeper in my relationship with Him, just as I would a dearest friend. As I came back to this thought several days later it seemed, even better, to fit and I decided 2011 will be "Opening My Heart to God: A Year of Prayer."

One question I had as I began was: if I take notes on just, well, life ... everything ... how will my journal reflect my theme? Won't it just be a hodge-podge of random topics and thoughts? You would be amazed at how many insights I have gained, already!, from seemingly unrelated topics. In fact, it has really helped draw my attention to details I may have missed because of how they relate to prayer. In other words, it's working! It really is providing direction and focus to my experiences. I have found that instead of a hodge-podge, it's really all a strange and beautiful expression of the same music, weaving harmonies and counter-melodies in and around one theme to create a rich concerto.

What about you?
I bet you want a theme now. Guess what? You can get one. I know it's January 18th, but there are no rules so don't let that bother you. Here are some suggestions on how to find a theme:

• You don't have to find it right away
• Carry your journal with you (a big, blank sketchbook or similar, you can get them at Barnes and Noble for about $10). Take notes on your experiences and a theme will emerge.
• Ask yourself: what are my passions? what has God put on my heart? where do I need growth?
• Celebrate something (like a 10-year anniversary or a long-awaited graduation) all year long.
• Explore or discover something new. (What have you always wanted to learn more about?)
• Connect it to Scripture. Either take it out of Scripture or connect it back to, but use it to know God deeper in some way.

Here's to living intentionally!




P.S. If you decide to do it, please come back and leave a comment. I would love to hear what you come up with!

Christmas Slideshow

This is for the grandmothers!